Coping because you HAVE to

[PLAIN JANE]

I have a lot going on in my life. I am coping because I have to, people depending on me. I was wondering, is this unhealthy? I'm not coping because I want to. I'm afraid I'm just pretending to cope. I just don't know. Does pretending count? Does it matter? Any thoughts on this would be great.

[disastercake]

The way I see it is that whether you want to or not you are building coping skills, and you will be able to draw on those and the fact that you have been being strong at this time down the road. I think anytime you are doing something besides SI that is not drugs or alcohol (or otherwise harmful) is healthy as long as you're safe.

[strmdncr]

In part it depends on what you are doing to cope. If getting through the day means keeping too busy to take care of yourself and your own needs, eating in unhealthy ways, using large amounts of caffiene to get going/keep going and then sleeping meds to get you to sleep at night, dealing with si and su urges, etc. - my personal experience has been that at some point comes a crash and it's usually a pretty hard one.

If on the other hand you are trying to cope by eating in healthy ways, exercising, maintaining time for yourself to meet your own needs, getting adequate sleep, meeting deadlines for things etc. then even though to yourself you may feel like you are pretending you are still coping in a healthy way and learning how to take care of yourself and others during difficult times and that is usually considered a good thing.

If you would like to talk feel free to pm me.

[Licentia Poetica]

I agree, it depends on what you mean by cope. If you're staying alive and getting up for work, or going to school and all that for someone else, then it's not a bad thing. Those things are going to help you feel worthwhile in the long run, and of course you need to stay alive My school counsellor way back in the day always said to me "fake it til you make it". Her saying that always annoyed me because it was SO tiring trying to pretend that I was okay, when I clearly wasn't. But in a way it's true. The fact that I had to pretend to be okay probably got me through the worst years of my life. If I didn't have to pretend, I might've just gone to bed and never got out. But obviously it would be good if your needs were being met and you had someone you could talk to about this so you wouldn't feel like you have to "pretend" to everybody.

On the other hand, if you're putting aside your problems to help others, ignoring your needs for help, and making yourself feel worse because of the amount of effort you're putting in, or resorting to unhealthy mechanisms SI/ED/alcohol/drugs in order to keep "looking" like you're doing fine, then that's not a good thing. Your needs come first, and this kind of "coping because you have to" probably isn't very effective acting - people can often see through it. Or so I've found.

Does that answer your question?

[elizabethpoe31]

I know what you mean and have often wondered the same thing. Coping because I can't imagine NOT doing so, because there's so much riding on me being capable and productive.
Take care

[PLAIN JANE]

I work a lot, need the cash and it keeps my mind off things.
I do positive things to cope but feel like it's fake as I am often thinking of unhealthy things to do. I rarely act on them.
I feel if I was honest about how I FEEL, it would scare people.

[Stormy Llwellyn]

Wow, good topic. I think for me, strmdancer and El hit the nail on the head. I will cope with positive things, such as exercise and volunteer work that I love but is not overwhelming. I love my job so when my day is productive that in itself is rewarding and helps me cope. When work is not so great I tend to cope in negative ways, such as staying up late and drinking too much coffee in the day etc.

I agree, it depends on what you mean by cope. If you're staying alive and getting up for work, or going to school and all that for someone else, then it's not a bad thing. Those things are going to help you feel worthwhile in the long run, and of course you need to stay alive

Second this.

My school counsellor way back in the day always said to me "fake it til you make it". Her saying that always annoyed me because it was SO tiring trying to pretend that I was okay, when I clearly wasn't.

Ditto

I feel if I was honest about how I FEEL, it would scare people.

Yes I understand this also and when I do I ask for help from others. Like my t,when I can reach her, or my "safe person" at work. When neither is available I usually come to bus. I guess that reaching out to people who I trust and will listen to me is my way to cope. Is there anyone irl that you can turn to?
You can PM me if you like.
Mike

[PLAIN JANE]

The real life people get scared if I am not my usual positive self. My penance I suppose for that take charge, got my shit together image I project.

I work too much to fill my time. Drink gallons of coffee, throw in Marlboros. Not exactly healthy but better than the other choices.

Bus is the only place I can admit I feel bad. I had a T but I think I faked that too well as she said there was nothing else she could help me with and I was wasting my money.

[Licentia Poetica]

Try a new T and don't fake it?

[Stormy Llwellyn]

Try a new T and don't fake it?

I have to agree with El again here. I had a wonderful T who helped me through some of the roughest times and she had to move away. I was devastated. I bounced through a couple of T's because we either didn't "click" or I don't think they understood si and it scared them because they had no way to approach it. I'm guessing here. Someone irl once told me, shop around untill you find a caregiver you like. ( gp, T, p-doc, etc. ) It is your money and they work for you. Just tell them how you feel. Give it a try, you might find someone you like.
Mike

[PLAIN JANE]

good advice about the T. It's just so daunting. My new health insurance doesn't cover mental health services. My other option is a government run program. I've been there before and the people there are so over-worked it's not a very good option.
I'm also afraid of dredging up certain things as it causes flashbacks and nightmares. I do quite well for the most part and it helps so much to come here.
Thanks to everyone for your spot on advice and support.