Things Left Unsaid *LA*

[Helba]

I leave bus with this final message. B, I must be some kind of horrible monster. I must be the most evil of man, I must enstow the worst kind of evils. I must be the man that everyone hates because you without even a word have ignored me and removed all your trust of me. Feel free to remove helba, admins. I am upon a different forum of a much different type.

I love you brit[\size] more than you will ever know...

[DuchessN]

*Triggers- LANG, Sexual dialogue*
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You know what I want to know? Why do you turn to me when you do? You tell me how lucky you are to have her, how perfect her body is, what a goddess she is. . . so why is it that after you go down on her and she passes out your first thought is to text me? Why is it after you have sex with her perfect body, you call me? What . . . she gets the sex, I get the pillow talk? Why do I know about every time she hurts you? Why am I the one you think of talking to when you've had a bad day and you feel like shit? You're my friend and I love you, but what am I to you?

[Neviah]

I don't know what to do. I don't know what i'd do if i lost you. The only thing I do know is you won't see this.

It hurts like hell to see you hurting, it really does. I care about you, I love you, you're my best friend in the whole world and the last thing i want to do is to lose you.

I hold you so close to my heart, if I could get you any closer I would but I really don't think that's possible. If you weren't here anymore, if i couldn't talk to you, if i couldnt share what i do with you. I don't know what i'd do.

I need your friendship more than i've ever needed anything. You and Gary are the best things in my life.

whilst it's selfish, please hold on, please carry on going because I need you to.

Ineed you to be you
I love you and I care about you.

If you ever come back you will know this is for you. I just hope one day you do see this.


always

[Annybelly]

I need you so much. And i hate that. I hate how much I need you, I wish I didnt need you, I wish I was okay on ym own, i wish i could fucking cope on my fucking own. I cant. I can cope on my own. I need you. And if youre gonna be so damn awesome at supporting me, please stay around. Dont go. Dont leave me. Because now im openin u to you. And being so fucking honest it hurts me. And i dont know you have a complete understanding of that. You dont know half of how morbid I get. And theres a reason for that. But i need you. I need you, and i hate myself even more for it. Eugh, even now, i can remember what you said, and it fits this situation so well. I wish you'd said no, you couldnt help. Because then i would have sied so badly that i would have scared myself out of the whole si thing. Maybe. But now imma sorting it all out, because you told me to. Im digging up the fucking past, because you're encouraging me. And your awesome, you really are. But i need you to be here for me, and i sound like some fucking spoilt twat. Im not, but i need you to look after me.
im so fucking pathetic.

Tiny Ranting. Don't read if you know me IRL, or you read my place. I'm being pathetic, and noone on bus is mentioned, its not that. But, yeah.

[Eisa]

So...I know you're right. I should put more effort in. It just doesn't feel real sometimes. And my depression and pessimism like kicking in and reminding me that it will never work, no one could ever possibly love ME. So it tries to make that come true.

Also, I never want to masturbate again. I want to be asexual.

I don't want to have gender.

Also. I am dying to hurt myself right now. Really, really badly. But I can't because other people would notice. I'm not at home anymore. My roommates would notice. Fuck, I don't want to be here right now.

It might be time to resort to the red pen on the legs or something.

[volta]

hi, daddy.

i don't know what i would say if i actually talked to you.
i'd probably say something cold and meaningless, and all too harsh.
usually, when i think about you i get angry. but right now i miss you.
i looked at your wife's pictures of you that she has on her profile. some of them are from the wedding.
i remember that day. mostly i remember my stepsister, your daughter now, she must have been four at the time. she was saying that it was our wedding day. we were all getting married, and we were going to be a family.
you were smiling in the pictures, and in one of them it was the four of us - you, me, and my two younger sisters. it was only four of us, off and on, for so long. i missed that at first, but i knew you weren't lonely anymore so it was okay to be the six of us.
then i left.
but soon there will be six of you again. my new baby brother will be here. i can't think about that now, though. it hurts way too much.
daddy, i miss you so much. you said that when i was a baby i wouldn't go to sleep until you got home and rocked me. i want you to hold me in your arms again. but i want it to be uncontaminated again, and that won't happen.
i want to be held without you being ashamed that your oldest daughter was so screwed up. i want you to hold me and not think about the scars on my arms or how badly you think my mother has messed up my life.
what i want is just to be loved for me. for who i am, and nothing more.
i want you to hug me and rock me and call me your "big angel" again, like you used to.
there's a piece of me missing, daddy, and it's you.
i have to go on every day like it's not gone, but it is.
most days, mostly, i hate that piece of me. i hate you for everything you've done, and everything you didn't do.
but today, i miss you so much, and i just want to be your little girl again.
can we forget about everything that's happened, and just live?

love always and so much,
britt

[5th section]

Oh, the doing and undoing,
Oh, the sighing and the suing,
When a jester goes a-wooing,
And he wishes he was dead!






"only you know what it means"

[Beasty]

I actually think you're a total dumbfuck. I have no idea why I wrote this for you. You really should have known better.

[volta]

i don't know what i'd say if i actually said this to you.
i don't think i ever could.
i'd probably just drop hints, because of the way our friendship is. that's just how we work. we never talk about the hard stuff.

what i really want to say to you - with no repercussions on our friendship - is that i really like you. i like you as a friend and i wish that we were more than friends, and i've been wishing that for a year now. since before i went to residential. since we met for the second time during that weekend i came up to school last year. that was september. it's now mid-october. it's been over twelve months that i've been thinking about you, and wondering if we'll ever be more than this. if i'll ever be more than this to you. just one of the guys. another one of your friends. from the way you act, the way you talk, it's like i'm not even one of the available girls. i was never even a consideration. and i want to mean so much more to you. i want you to realize that so much of my poetry lately is written with you in mind. written because i'm frustrated with you, and because i'm impatient with you, and because i'm not with you.
you told me tonight that you were interested in her. she's "your intended." i can tell by the way you talk about her and the way you act around her that you do like her. and a miniscule portion of my heart is angry with me for not seeing it coming. she's like your ex, only less sarcastic. she's softer, and quieter, and kinder. and i am harsher and louder and put up a brave front. i'm not going to say i know what you see in her, because i'm not you. but i do know that she's the one you want.
i don't want to put you up on a pedestal and idealize you, or what a relationship with you would be. i know you too well for that. i just want to know why.
why was i not even a consideration?
at what point did you look at me and decide that i wasn't someone you would think of having a relationship with?
and why did you make that decision?
i'm so tired of not being even considered. of automatically being grouped with all the other guys. it's pretty much always been that way, and i don't know why.
what am i doing wrong?

i'm sorry.
i hope that when you do decide to ask her out, that she says yes and you two have a great relationship. you deserve it. you're an amazing person and you two seem great for each other.
just don't forget about your friends, okay?

[Stefani140]

I swear to God if what you're upset about is what I think your upset about then I am going to refuse for the rest of my life to tell you everything when you ask me to. I am sick and damn tired of being told to tell everything and then having it held against me that I did. You wanna do that to me again? Fuck you and have fun talking to yourself allllllll weekend long.



And just as I suspected...I really can't tell you everything because it makes things "uncomfortable". I'm finished believing you when you tell me otherwise. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me for 3 years, shame on me.

[leafy]

You never plan, you never talk about things, you never make time for me, you never helped me make any relationships with A or O. You just expect expect expect and walk over and never care. I will not let you blame me for something that is your fault. If I don't call them it's just because I don't know them and you have always talked badly behind their backs and then you expect me to visit and call them and have a good relationship with them. You are blind. I hate how you can't change. I hate how I could never say anything to you that I think because you would never understand or hear it. I will not be manipulated by you.. if that means that we won't have a good relationship, then that's how it will be. I won't play your game anymore, I'm done playing games! I will probably lose you, but you never even noticed when you lost me.

You make me so angry! And I am not an angry person!

I just can't stop thinking about how things could have been. Cause they could have been good but they aren't

[Mercedes]

i love you, i love the way your fingers feel when the stroke my shoulder, when the brush the hair from my eyes, the way you smile and look into my eyes, and laugh when im being weird.
the way you rest my head on my side.

you frustrate the fuck out of me, you make me want to die, to scream to tear at my skin, to stop breathing, we have done this to eachother long enough, just lets be honest, or lets just give in.
i hate the way i can go for so long with out thinking about you, then when im doing my best to chage the way i feel and i begin to succeed, i give in and fall as hard as i did in the first moment. i hate that i want to txt you every moment of the day, and you can barely txt back. i hate that i think about you constantly, and that i cant stop talking about you. and you never seem to care.

i want to be with you and no one else.
im affraid to say it again to you because you shut me down, only to change your mind two days later.


i love you.

im sorry i snapped at you, i never want to have you gone from my life, ever, we've done it before but it never lasts.

im sorry
im sorry
im sorry.

forgive me,
take me back .

[capricorn]

Sometimes you are impossible.
Go ahead and berate me for not staying in touch with people and then tell me there's things you're watching on tv so you can't talk to me. Ugh.

[Helba]

I wanted things to change, I wanted them to go back to they way they were, almost a year ago. I just could never admit to myself that it never would go back to that way, for so long you had already moved on. I guess I saw this, this last time. When on Monday it was "I still have love in my heart for you" Then by Sunday, you write a very bland email saying you love her and really don't want anything from me anymore. B, no hard feelings I just wanted you to know. Helba died back then, when you ripped out his heart. Today, I am letting Helba die the rest of the way. The phone number is changed, the email address while it exists won't be used. And this account will grow stale and old. You found someone you love as much as I still love you. Just realize for all the pain that you dealt me, as soon as you told me I was willing to take you back, without a second thought. That is what love really is B, and its what I still feel for you. I just know you don't want me a part of your life any longer, so I am making it so there isn't more manipulation or hard feelings. My feelings won't change, and part of me is glad for that because they are nice feelings even amongst all the hurt. I just felt you deserved to know, that the number is changed. That Helba is gone and the persona I've used for so long is now dead. I have a new persona and a new place. Cheers B, I am glad she makes you happy and I hope she knows how lucky she is to have someone that made the best 2 years of my life. Don't expect to find me, this time there are no clues to find me, no bread crumbs left. Enjoy your space hun, I hope its what you really wanted.

-Trevor

[Neviah]

T - worried about you

G - Im really worried, you seem so down sometimes that all i wanna do is scoop you up and hold you but you're always doing something that i won't understand or im not intelligent enough to be told about. I love you with all my heart, i just want you to talk to me. Tell me what you're thinking and feeling, share something that's going on. I love you and i want to help but how can i if you don't let me in?I know there's something getting you down. I just really hope it's not me, i don't know what i'd do if i'm hurting you and dont know how or why.. it would kill me inside to know ive hurt you somehow.
please.. just talk to me. whilever i know there is something but dont know what all i feel is rejection, and i feel like we're not as close anymore. we used to be so close

[Birdie]

Me too, Neviah

-I love you, but you're tearing our family apart. I am so scared of what will happen next. I hate that it has come to this. Why do you act this way? If it's not drugs, then what is it? I sure hope you can change.

-You're my best friend, but sometimes, you piss me the fuck off. Sometimes I feel like you don't give a holy fuck about me. I know you've got some issues from the abuse and the trauma, but somtimes I have a hard time with not taking it personally. I don't want to keep getting hurt, but I love you and I wish I could help you.

[Neviah]

...........i needed you today..

[kipanya]

Why can't you see that I'm falling apart? Why cant you see that i need you so much more than ever now? Why can't you just notice? You ran your finger over my scab the other day and made a face at me, yet you still say nothing. Why? Why dont you say nything? Why don't you know what to say? Why am i such a mess?

[Neviah]

ok. ive been trying to email you for ages now. ive opened my email, ive even got as far as trying to write this out twice.

I don't know what to say to you, thats why it hasnt happened yet. I don't know if there's a reason you haven't talked to me today and what hurts is I don't know if I should be worried or not. I needed you this morning I really did. I just feel kind of rejected. And I have no right to feel that way it's just that you said you'd be here and then you weren't.

*closes eyes* I just want something I don't really know what. That's why I don't know what to say. I don't even particularly want you to see or hear this because I haven't really even said anything. I've had the elastic band on my wrist today and I don't know why. I just feel this impending doom about monday. I'm not scared I think I just don't want to know. And I wondered about something yesterday that I wanted to talk about but it's not really something you talk to boys about..

I think ive thought about the what ifs and scared myself. I can't even talk to my boyfriend about it because I'm worried he might take it the wrong way or think i'm after too much too soon, which isn't what I'm going to mean by it at all.

*sigh* I should just stop trying to type something of any real meaning shouldn't I? It's plainly obvious that it's not happening.

I think I've put weight on too.. and that makes me feel.. *shudders*

[Stawberry_Lollipops]

What the fuck? I don't know how all this happened. You're a bunch of selfish, two-faced, patronising, ungrateful and disrespectful human beings. Your taking away the one thing that's keeping me going. You think you can just offer someone something and then take it back when you feel like it. These entire six months all you've done is use me and then spit me out when I'm not needed anymore. Just because I'm young, I haven't been shown any respect or consideration. I've just been told this is how it is and this is how I should feel about it. I am so fucking sick of the deception and the juvenile bullshit. You tell me I'm not experienced enough, in a round about way, that I'm really not good enough. But then you replace me with someone who is even more inexperienced. It's stupid and unprofessional and I hate the whole fucking lot of them. You can all go to hell and shove all your pathetic shit up your ass.