roller coaster and i'm ready to get off

[Twilight]

So i've been SI free for a good amount of time now and i plan on remaining that way but it's getting harder again
for the longest time now since i've started i have felt no need for it and it hasn't even crossed my mind but for some reason the thoughts are coming back. I don't want to have to resort to my rubber band because i would really like to move past all of it.

My best friend is leaving for college in three weeks and this is harder than i thought it would be. We are very close and we dated and then didn't but we are still closer than i think either of us have been to anyone before. I thought i would be fine with him leaving but now it keeps me up at night and wakes me up thinking that i'm not going to see him everyday and that he's not going to be here for me and with me like he is now

he was the first one outside my family to know about my SI and i can honestly say it was for him that i stopped. I almost lost him completely which is why i haven't even considered it as a means of coping. So i don't know why the thoughts and urges are coming back

I've tried to use the techniques they psychologist has given me to stop the anxiety and stress that this whole thing has caused me but none of it is working.

I can't sleep and i can't deal at night and all i can think of is how easily i would fall asleep after one of my episodes

i just don't know what to do. Maybe i just needed to tell someone that even though i'm pretending, i'm not okay with the fact that he's leaving and i'm not okay with the possibly that this could change everything between us. i just don't know what to do

[strmdncr]

Knowing that someone you are close to will be leaving physically is hard, even if you logically understand that you can keep in touch through phone, internet, occassional visits etc.
There is going to be anxiety and stress around a change like this, it is to be expected. I'm not sure what tips the psychologist gave you but in addition to using those I think maybe allowing yourself time to have the feelings will help instead of trying to block them all out.
Things may change some but it doesn't mean that you will stop being friends, it just means you will have to strengthen long distance forms of communicating.
This is a type of a loss though, allow yourself time to grieve and plan for ways to keep yourself safe is the best thought I have.

[Twilight]

strmdncr: you were right about allowing myself to have the feelings. Although it was hard and it was bad for quite a few days, once i let them come freely it was easier to help move past them. I'm still having a hard time now that he's not here but it's getting easier every day. Bus is keeping me safe and sane. thank you for your advice

[strmdncr]

Glad to hear that you are doing okay and that you are finding bus helpful.