Secrets Thread - Read first post!

[steady hands]

I started smoking again.

All I want still is someone who will sit on the back porch with me and smoke cigarettes and listen to Coltrane and awful punk.
I just want to find someone and grow old together.
I am so fucking lonely.

[strider 151]

i dont want to go back, i cant face it all again

[capricorn]

The thought of living my life SH free terrifies me.
It sounds like a life wasted.

[Licentia Poetica]

I wish I had never survived to see how bad things could get. And I'm terrified of seeing how much worse they will be if i continue.

[Finding_Boston]

when i can't hurt myself I take my anger out on those around me, sometimes that includes my husband

He doesn't know what's going on with me, i never told him what i used to do and i relapsed while i was deployed and i don't know how to tell him. I know he's going to see the scars this time cause i changed where i SI and there's no way to hide it. I don't know how to tell him. It's not his fault but I know he's going to somehow blame himself for not being here with me

[capricorn]

I get so sick of people sometimes.

[guest567]

Even though what I want to write is so petty and small, I can't vocalise it.

[strider 151]

i'm really not ok, and i have had enough of all this. if someone gave me a way out right now - i would take it, no matter what the cost

[Beasty]

I would do ANYTHING.

[volta]

dear mom and mom's husband:
after this summer, this next two and a half weeks at home, i'm never living at home again. i would rather chew my hand off.

[Licentia Poetica]

Blood isn't thicker than water.

[Arctic Fox]

I wish I could cure this compulsion to survive

[searching_for_solace]

Last night I wished I didn't have to go to my own birthday party.

Today I think i've made peace with it.

[searching_for_solace]

I had fun at my birthday

another secret:

My friend is laughing for the first time and ages, and if my dad comes out and tells them to stop just because it is 3 AM and we are outside his bedroom, I will throw many, many things at him and tell him to go to hell.

[Stawberry_Lollipops]

I don't want to be friends with my best friend anymore

[steady hands]

I made a mix tape (yes, a cassette haha) for my mom to tell her I'm queer.
I'm completely terrified.

I'm afraid she'll never listen to it.
Or that she will, and won't pay any attention to the songs, or just ignore them.
I'm scared she'll look at me in a different way.
Or that the things we used to do together she will now do with someone else.

I'm scared that we'll get to wherever we are driving, and she will tear the tape out of the player and smash it onto the concrete.
I am scared that, to her, I will no longer be her child.
I am scared that when I meet the person I want to spend the rest of my life with, I won't get to share them with my family.
I am scared that I will spend the rest of my life bringing home fake boyfriends and close guy friends to family dinners so no one will know.

I am also scared by how much of myself I will lose by denying myself the chance to be who I am.
But sometimes I am afraid that the things I would've lost would be nothing in comparison to what I could lose from my family and my friendships.


is it worth it?
how much is too much?
am I going to need a back up plan?

[capricorn]

^I hope it goes well

Sometimes I loathe my friends for being so much more beautiful & thin than me

[mande]

I still haven't called my mother to tell her I have a job because I can't handle the fact that she's an addict and falling apart. I don't want to hear her reasons for doing these things and I feel like such a horrible daughter.

[wingedmessenger]

It wasn't supposed to be like this, you're meant to be invincible. Every time we talk I recognise you less. This isn't what you wanted and it isn't what I wanted for you. Living like this and watching what's happening to you is so much worse than if you had died doing something you love, just like you've always said you wanted to.

Even though you're so very different, I still love you. I am you, you are me. When I look in a mirror I can see you reflected back. You're still alive but you've already gone.

I wonder how long it will be until you don't know who I am anymore.

[capricorn]

Last night I was trying to find pro-SH sites. Not because I wanted to SH ... because I needed to get the feeling out of me, to excorcise it. Catharsis. And vindication.