So disappointed in myself-(SI)

[struglin1]

Hi all-I'm brand new here. Read the rules and hopefully understand them. I don't want to trigger anyone! I've been SI free for several years. Found an angel of a therapist, got on an antidepressant that worked and felt really good to go. Been in therapy for the last 10 years and got to the point of being able to forgive my alcoholic father and freely love him before he died. I felt peace in my heart. My grandmother and grandfather died and then so did my furry best friend. I was still doing ok and grieving and continuing to work through stuff weekly with my therapist. The only one left was my mom, and my husband and I thought it would be a good idea to have her move down here to be close to us. This was about 1 1/2 years ago. Dr. C (my therapist) starting having health issues about this time. My mom was here for about a month and I cut for the first time in years. I started doing all the survival/coping skills I learned as a child again i.e. disassociation, escaping by reading, playing video games, avoiding. I was on zoloft and it had been losing it's efficacy (I'd been on it for 7 years or so) and I guess this is not uncommon. Problem was-this was all happening at the same time. As of 1 month ago mom is gone-2 whole states away! And I've been disowned by her again (last time was when I was 12 and went to live with my dad). So everything should be better now right? Instead, I've been on a freakin emotional rollercoaster. I'm on antidepressant #3 trying to find one that works. I think maybe this one is it-lexapro-but it's been only 1 week on it. Dr. C just had major heart surgery on Tuesday and I cut again the night before last. I've been spending days in bed. And to add to the disappointment in myself, Last year I finally quit my day job to go back to college to finish my bachelors. What I ended up doing was taking an emergency medical withdrawal and not finishing the semester. I feel like such a failure and I feel like I threw away a huge opportunity. To say there is self hate is an understatement. Anyway-that's my story. I am struggling big time right now. I felt so proud of myself for the work I had done before my dad died, and it almost seems like my mom put me right back at square one. Part of the experience was validating because I had suppressed pretty much all my memories of my mom and her behavior. Having her here for a year was a giant "oh, yeah". My hubby said he'd never met someone so manipulative and just plain mean before. That was incredibly validating. but I'm still struggling! It seems like now that she is gone and I'm not getting 20-30 calls from her every day telling me how horrible of a daughter I am that I should be feeling better?! But instead I feel like a hurricane hit and blew down my house and I don't have the energy to rebuild. Hey, that's a pretty good analogy lol! yeah that's exactly how I feel. Anyway-that's my story.

Struggling....

[volta]

hi!
i just wanted to let you know that i read your post, and i care. i don't have any magic words to make it better, but if you have any questions or need a listening ear, my pm box is open.

volta

[struglin1]

Thank you Volta! I think you are wrong-you DO have magic words "I read your post and I care"

[kiwi33]

Hi struglin1. Welcome! I hope that you get all of the support that you deserve here.

A suggestion; you might like to have a look at the "down the long days arc" part of BUS. All BUS members are welcome there but it is a place where older members (like you, if I am reading your post right...) can talk.

[struglin1]

Thank you Kiwi! It's all a little overwhelming to navigate but I figured someone would steer me in the right direction-it is a bus after all right? Or maybe I can ride a cow...haven't figured out the cows yet lol Yes I'm 42 years old-don't feel it-and don't act it thank god But I can't be the first newbie to wander around aimlessly and lost for a while I bet Thank you so much

[kiwi33]

No worries . I am in my 50s and still wonder what I will do when I grow up . Please PM me anytime if you think that there is anything that I might be able to help with.