impulses - drugs/SI/ed

[Artemisia]

i've never taken drugs; never drank any alcohol despite being 22 and at uni known for heavy drinking. it's never been my thing. I SI instead; then a year ago i started messing with my eating. . i'm a massive control freak and i've always bn too scared to take anything that i can't stop my mind from doing - i was even anti my mood stabilisers and happy pills . i've always had a "fantasy" of getting completely fucked and actually displaying all my crap - and just wanting to escape and just let loose for once in my life. but i've always always always kept it uder control (irony ) until friday night when i was hypomanic, and feeling reckless and stupid and wanting to get completely fucked. i never took anything but i went to a semi-friend of mine at a club on fri night and asked where i could get some coke and she opnted a guy out t me and i could've afforded the stuff but i was too freaked out to do it . my bf also has an issue with smoking - bad stuff in his past - and i was wrried drugs might have the same reaction with him so i didn't do it. but i think i would've at least bought the stuff if he hadn't been there - even if i wouldn't have used it. i'm so scared cos i can be very impulsive-ish especially when manic and even tho i've been down since then and not too "buzzy", i still have this urge to go buy stuff and just get fucked . i don't know what to do - i can't tell my bf cos i don't want to give him yet ANOTHER burden - he has enough shit to deal with on his own let alone all my crap - he does not need another thing in his life. he's the only person i talk to. i was hoping that when i came down after my hypomanic time i'd be feeling less reckless; but i don't know if i'm down yet or not. arg. i cut this am just b4 lectures just because i was feeling amped but i felt down yesterday so i have NO idea what to do. i hope this drug urge goes away but i'm also still wanting to do something stupid. and i've tried replacing the stupid with sensible stupid like climbing walls and skateboarding and fun stupid but it doesn't last longer than the actual activity. arg. any adcice/help please? feeling desperate .

[lay-z punk]

As a former coke-fiend, my advice is to skip it. Particularly if you experience manic-episodes.

I will trust your judgement that your boyfriend has too much to deal with, but is there anyone else you can say something like "I want to let loose, but in a bad way" and get some healthy support? A good listener perhaps? I also might advise hanging out with people who don't know the first thing about drugs until this urge passes.


I can relate some. I've always been straight-laced, very mindful of others, etc. but when I couldn't pretend things were fine any more I thought I would "let loose" but quickly fell apart instead. Some people can handle cocaine, but I imagine they must have impulse control that I can only dream of, or have their brains wired funny.

Whatever you do, please be safe

ciao

[Artemisia]

tnx so much yr right - and thankfully the urge is passing; did manage to spk to tpist about it and feelin better about it. i really don't wanna have yet anpther issue and my fantasy world thinks that all i need to do is try once...dumbass what i are, but it's nice to dream; really good to know that impulses are even harder to control on coke; if i suck at controlling SI and ED urges, i guess drugs aren't the way, needed that reminder tnx, yr reply really helped (really really)