I really don't even know why I felt so overcome by a desire to do it... I have hardly felt that at all over the past six months. But last night, I started to put on my pajamas, and all the sudden I just felt so overwhelmed and consumed by sadness. I'd had a kind of rough evening, and was thinking a lot about how I don't feel like I'm really close to anyone or have any friends that I truly feel comfortable with (this was after a night out with some friends). i was just feeling really alienated and not well understood.
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SI
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After I took off my jeans, I was just kind of staring down at my legs and skin, and that's when I felt totally consumed by sadness. I went to the kitchen, grabbed a knife, and looked for a place to cut. Despite that my husband was sitting in the next room on the computer, I could have done it and he wouldn't have known... but I didn't. I stopped and called to him and told him that I wanted to cut. I scurried off to the bedroom (admittedly taking the knife with me), and he came in, gently took it from me, and I just starting crying.
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I really have tried over time to minimize those kinds of situations... I don't like putting my husband in a position of having to stop me from cutting. But at the same time, I feel proud of myself for last night, like I handled it "right" for once. We talked, I cried, we talked, I went to bed with him holding me, and I felt better. I'm a little disconcerted by the fact that, after feeling better for so long, I could be overwhelmed by urges in an instant like that... but I'm so happy that I handled it the way that I did.
-S
