Things Left Unsaid - Version 3.0 *Language*

[Spidey]

I remember when it was so much fucking easier to just not give a fuck. I remember when it was just better to keep things at arm's lengh and let them go from there.

I MADE myself by not giving a fuck. By keeping aloof and detached from everything but what I knew I loved and liked. It wasn't about not caring in the common sense, like..."oh, I don't care, fuck it", but by not giving a damn about things that aren't in *my* control loop.

I knew my shit and you knew yours. That's the way it went. That was the way it was for the longest time. And now it's a huge issue to you, the fact that yes, now, I'm hypercontrolling and give a fuck about everything.

I miss not giving a fuck. I miss not giving a shit about shit I knew I could not control. I miss life before my brain melted on me and turned me into this annoying fucking busybody. Because what the fuck, mate.

[Silent_Tears]

You're still stuck on the fence. One leg on each side... not willing to go one way or another. You know that He will spew you out of His mouth. He wants nothing to do with you if you don't put Him FIRST in your life. You have to learn to TRY. You don't even fucking try! You don't read your Bible and really study like you should. You're a good student. You could study and be a really good teacher some day of the Bible. You have that potential. Yet, you still are not willing to allow yourself to be fervent about Jehovah and His power and love in your life. I know perhaps it really had to do with the accepting God as Father and helper in your life. Perhaps it's one of those things that you cannot allow a "man" to be close to you in your life. Ever since your dad did things to mistreat you and your trust you've been hiding from males. You've never really trusted and gave up of yourself. You've never, ever trusted a male since then. God is given the pronoun of HE even though He is not really male or female.

You don't pray. Like ever. You don't always pray at meals. You don't always pray before going to bed or getting up in the morning. You don't even take the time to call out to God in those times. The common, easy made times to talk with God. You go long periods of time without having a conversation with your Creator. He longs to hear from you, to converse with you... yet you push Him to the side and do something menial and unimportant. How do you think that makes Him feel? You know we were made in God's image. He feels pain, hurt, anger, happiness, etc.

You're a disappointment to God. You don't have a heart longing to be with Him. You're pushing Him away and pretending to be good and holy and upright. You are a pig in the mud. Wallering in your waste and mess. Not willing to make an effort to be a clean, upright, strong Christian lady.

Go ahead. Keep running. One day He won't be there... or you'll die. You're never going to be happy until you give in. Like Linda says, it all comes down to worship. Who are you going to worship? Who is the only one worthy of worship? If you stay in this system of things, you're automatically throwing your lot in with Satan. Do you really want to side with the ruler of this hateful, destructive world? Challenge yourself. Let go and allow yourself to feel His love. It's there. Right there, ready for you. Just allow yourself to trust once again. He is the only one who will not disappoint.

You're a fucking mess. You need help. Everything in your life is falling apart. God is allowing this because you are still too prideful and stubborn. You will not give in. You keep holding back. God desires all of you. Just give him your all... you will NOT be hurt. You will NOT be disappointed.

[my clarity clouded]

You're right, it is my fault. It's all my fault. Everything is my fault.

[amyfairy]

don't treat me like that, i'm trying to help.

[ThanksALatte]

why are things awkward now? theyre the same with everyone else. but why are they awkward with us? youre pushing me away and i havent even taken any steps closer. is this how it is now? at one time i probably considered you my best friend even though i knew i never held that spot. and thats ok. but now i feel like an ass because it was all for nothing. why did you even come down? certainly not to see me because weve spoken like 4 meaningful words to each other since you got here. why are you staying with me? you were really not happy at all to see me but were so happy to see k and a...why dont you ask to stay with them? im sure you would have much more fun since they bring out the fun and i bring out the depression. im not going to care. its not any more hurtful than your being silent when youre with me but really excited when they come over. its super clear that youre way more excited to see them and a lot happier when theyre around. just a thought.

[amyfairy]

gahh i wish you hadn't pushed me into it! i'm fucking scared! & there's no way i'll pass, i'll probably just kill you! seriously. fuck.

[amyfairy]

i know something has gone on. and i know it may be personal, and you don't want to tell me. but don't pretend nothing is going on. when you start shouting, and have your secret talks and go off for a walk together. i'm NOT an idiot. it hurts that no-one tells me anything. it's all politics in our house, and i'm essentially worth nothing.

everything seems so out of control. and so i restrict. it's always the same.

i am meant to be happy. i am happy! so why do i want to cry.

why can't i stop basing my self worth on other people.
when can i just be normal.

[VowsOfSadness]

dear boyfriend,

I hate you. As you and I BOTH know I am a lesbian. You have me holed up in this relationship by saying you will kill yourself if I leave. Sometimes, SOMETIMES, I think oh well, not my problem. Because I have tried to talk you down but you want the attention. So I can't win. You manipulate me. You make me have sex with you even though you KNOW I don't like it. You say MY BODY is "OUR BODY". Disgusting.

And you are just like that first & only bastard I called a boyfriend. It's disappointing. I was so happy before i met you but you drown me with you're depression.

When you say "If you do .... then I swear I will break up with you" I always want to say "Promise?"

I hate you.
Die.

[treasure]

hey S.
i will talk to you later today but want to just explain some things first so i don't get hurt. you do know i have depression and anxiety right? do you think less of me because of my choices? do you think i'm wasting my life or wasting opportunities? i hate that i'm so far behind where i *think* everyone expects me to be. please don't be too harsh or too nice (pitying).
discussing my life will make me feel lousy and discussing yours will make me feel guilty and jealous... so sorry if i'm quiet and bitter and miserable to be around. i wish i was someone else but i'm not.

[amyfairy]

.... I think, really, that I just want to be healthy

that's such a difference from restricting.
i'm going for healthy.

[Callisto]

i really am sorry for how i've been acting this week. i really am.

i love you.

[lily_trying]

i hate that i'm nervous of seeing you again. please let things be easy. please know & understand that the limitations are there, but they don't have to be everything. i know i shouldn't ask that of anyone else when i can't seem to get that balance right myself, but there it is.

and knowing me and the way i've been, i'll try to pretend everything is okay. and i hope you can see past that, and i know that's asking too much... but so it goes. please see past my acting as if all is well.

[Chey Kizoxie]

some people are stupid
gah!

[Holi]

PleasePleasePleasePleasePleasePleasePleasePleasePleasePleasePleasePlease
Please let it go right tomorrow. I need this. I think of whats gonna happen tomorrow if it goes right, and I just gleam. You are beyond fabulous, and I just adore you to the stars and back.

I think she may come to you, and tell you about me. She may go to all of you, or none of them. And I don't know which one. I could ask her to just tell you, cause you are the only person that I want to know about this. You would help me, the others wouldn't. You would

[Scatterbrain]

Sit with me? I just need you to be here right now... But you are always with E these days... I miss talking with you. And I really would like someone to talk to right now...

~Megan

[Chey Kizoxie]

i really wish people (mostly non bus people) would read my blog. not so much because i want the attention. I just want to have conversations and be challenged about what I read. Thing is i feel its rude to ask people to go see my blog and respond. its a conundrum.

[Oceanic]

i am afraid of the future. of my future.

[ultimate starshine]

you have gone home now
and you will never know how jealous i am of you and your life
sometimes. I just wish i was you.

[bellamuerte]

i dont wanna do it, i think you know that too....but your just sooooooooo into yourself that you cant see me in the corner...

....i think i hate you....

[kittyfever]

I am sick of being treated unfairly and unkindly. I want to be treated like I'm special, I want to be loved unconditionally. I want you to spend more time with me, and be gentler. I am so f-ing fed up.