Bad thoughts, SU ideation

[Alexa]

I'm not sure if I'm in the right forum or not. I guess I'm so afraid that I wan't someone to reassure me but I don't think I should be reassured. I need to face things.

My life has turned into another kind of nightmare. My mother just died and I'm living in her house. She had cancer. We didn't think she would die so soon. Her husband is here too and he just had prostrate surgery a week after her death. So I took off of work for a while, after I had taken a week off for the funeral to help him get through it, then I got a cold and a sinus infection and a migraine that wouldn't go away, so I took off more days.

I'm finally back at work today. Everything is weird. Everything is strange, bizarre, surreal. I had an outer body experience last night (I've never had one before) where I was floating above this water and somehow I knew I was where my mother was, her spirit.

My life hurts so much. When I don't pay attention to the things that bother me, don't push myself too hard, be sensible, I don't like who I am either. I can function, but to what means? To be superficial, practical, not feel someone elses pain? Maybe not be there for someone like my mother when she needed me? How many things will I allow myself to live with? I've had peices of my soul torn from me already? When will I be completely empty, devoid of all of my humaness?? Who am I? What kind of person am I? Is there nothing I would die for? Nothing? Is there nothing for which I would not stand up and say, "Okay, do to me what you will but I'm not going to budge?"

There is a native american saying that goes "anything that is worth living for is worth dieing for." The truth is, I've done neither. My mother ran out to greet life and I was a torment to her. She did something with her life!

I didn't tell anyone this but I had a plan, I was going to paint each season of her last year. I never dreamed she would die so quickly. I wanted to give her something so that she knew I cared, but she's gone now. Her life was so sad really, so beautiful and so sad and so horrid also. I'm not the same person I once was. I feel my soul is irrideamable. Another peice has been torn from me. And yet this is it, crying, pleading.

I will probably get up tomorrow and feel ill from these thoughts, but then in order to function, I may try to pretend I'm someone else, or act like my feelings about things are different. Pretend I've got it all together, convince myself of things. Shuv stuff under the carpet. Then I'll be crying in my keyboard by lunch. And anyone who catches a tear in my eye, will understand, only because there is no death like death that people get. Which wrong is wrong?

[Diane M]

Sorry you feel so bad just now. Please take lots of care

[Binayshee]

[Alexa]

thanks.

[magicmum]

Hello Alexa

I am sad you are feeling so lost.

I think it would be good for you to post this in Coping - I will move it there for you cos you will get some more replies than you will here in the Nest.

Nest is about love and softness and hugs.

You can always come here just for love and support, we will ALWAYS be here for you.



magicmum

[Alexa]

Thanks for having the wings to put me in the right place.