sui trig *mods I'm not sure I've got the right forum, sorry!

[Flying Hippo]

Hey, sorry new to this. Waiting for access to the Workshop to really work on these things but I could really do with some advice now.

I'm feeling really fragile, I feel like very thin glass or ice that is about to break. Sort of how I felt in the aftermath of my Dad dying (which happened six weeks ago) and I don't know how to cope, I'm not used to feelign like this. I sort of want to cut my way out of it, but for once I'm trying to give up self harm (two weeks free tomorrow).

I've been out of hospital for two months now, after being in it as a part time inpatient mostly (I was there full time and as a daypatient too, but most of the time for just part the week) for 2 years, and it's really strange being out. I wish I could just curl up under my desk in my little room there now.

I feel I have to fight myself all the time and it's exhausting and I just want to have a break from myself. I sort of became addicted to being in hospital and being ill and I think so much about my friends who are still there under section and wish I could be with them (I've turned 18 now so I couldn't even if I wanted to) and I have to do lots of alternative thoughts and cbt to keep me straight and I just want to turn off my thoughts and feelings for a while.

Sorry I'm not sure I've got the hang of posting, but any thoughts or even challenges and such would be welcome.

[Li'lRuby]

Hey Flying Hippo:
I'm sorry about your dad dying. That's really tough.
Way to go on the two weeks clean. That takes a lot of endurance to not "cut your way out of it". Good job. That takes a lot of hard work and dedication.
Fragility is something I think we all struggle with. Life is so fragile and everything in it-hope, belife that things will get better, even happiness. It is so comfortable to be on the same old path. It is really hard to challenge yourslef and get off the beaten path. I totally understand that you want a break from yourself. Its something like peeling a bananna--get rid of the old skin. I've been there. What I sometimes do for a break is do "music therpy". I go into my room at night, close all the curtains and make the room as dark as I can get it and then I turn up the most noisest, but favorit, music as loud as I can to drown thoughts. It really helps. Also, try journaling. It helps to blow steam on an object that can't talk back or get hurt.
Things do get better in their own time...my T said its like a butterfly metomorhisng. You can let the butterfly struggle to get out of its cacoon and let it dry off; or you can help the butterfy by cutting away the cacoon and killing it because the actual struggle to get out of the cacoon is a way for the butterfly to develope his wings.
I hope things will get better for you soon, flying hippo. Try to be gentle with yourself and remember that things will get better (even though hope is fragile).

[Flying Hippo]

Heya,

Thanksf or your reply, I've got some music on now and I'm going to turn it up really loud and think about hope and such, thank you.

Following your advice has made me feel a bit better. An hour ago I was sure I was broken. I found out on another support site, where I've been a longtime member and have made lots of rants about the people I met in hospital who upset me (you see some pretty horrible stuff in there), but someone else from another ward in the hospital has been following what I've been writing for months and months and months and has now told me she's going to show it to all the people who were on my ward, so that they will hate me.

I just, some of them I don't care about, but one of them I wrote about when I was very distressed and I've cut contact with her because talking to her distresses me so much and I know it's selfish and wrong, but if shereads what I wrote it'll reinforce her psychosis even more and I don't want her hurt.

I don't want anyone to be hurt and this person is pm'ing me on this other forum telling me how everyone is going to hate me, and how she's been reading my posts for ages and it's really freaky because I can tell she has been because she's picking on things that I'm particularly vulnerable about that she could only know about from reading my rants on the website.

I don't care about them hating me so much I care about them being hurt, and I've tried to say this to her, showing them to them will hurt them more than it will hurt me.

I don't want my ward to see that side of me.My old ward I mean.

And I know these things, the things I'm struggling with, are to some extendt, well mainly they are human things. Ok so I'm borderline, but it's reality that I have trouble coping with. And now reality is starting to slide, I think I'm hearing things, or rather I am hearing things and no one else can hear them and it's scary, and it's not like the voices I hear in my head. Like screaming, or whispering and I can hear it coming from parts of the room or outside, but no one else can, but it is real. It's so confusing and it scares me.

I rang the crisis line because I feel I c an't go on. I've fought this so long and I think about death in terms as what it would do. Like when I advise people who are feeling suicidal, I say, what do you want death to do, is it a break? How can we achieve that in real life because we don't know what happens when we die so lets not risk it, but really what I can't deal with are the basics of life. The basics. Things like emotion, thoughts. And the things that are 'wrong' with me are incurable, but they're just exagerated versions of normal things, and Ican't deal with being human and it strikes me the only way to solve it is by not being human anymore.

[Li'lRuby]

Hey flying hippo.
I don't know much about boderline, flying hippo. I can't help you much there, I am sorry. I am glad, though, that you were able to move away from being broken to having a bit of hope.
It is tough when someone says that they're going to turn people against you. I am not sure what to say about that, either, flying hippo. Did you make good friendships at the hospital or do you not keep contact with the people you have there?
I encourage you to find some good supportive people that you can surrond yourself with. Right now it may seem pretty impossiable, but try to find some people who you could start developing a reltionship with outside of the hospital and other professionals. BUS is a good place to start. But try to find some people in your life that you can have face to face contact with. Human reltionships are so important, thats what were made for.
It is so true what you said about sucide (is a break all that you want?). Try to keep that in perspective. Death is permenant, and life always has ups and downs. I really like Hamlet's famous speech for suicide. I don't really remember what he all said, but he said something about hope in there. If you sleep in death, you will never hope again. Please try to stay away from suicide, it is not a good option. I am thankful that you have called a hotline. I hope that has helped.
A lot of people when struggling with darkness (depression and other mental things) have trouble dealing with the basics. The trick here is taking your day in chunks. Try to block your day into half hour chuncks, or even fifteen minute chuncks. Think about getting through that chunck and once you've made it through, try to get through the next chunck. Even if all you do in a chunck is breath. Try not to tackle too much, but do tackle things in your life (getting up, having a shower, cleaning the bathroom, eating, ect). Remember to harness the horse before you put the cart on him. Harnessing the horse is doing things. The cart is the motivation which you get as you do things.
Have a safe night and be gentle with yourself, flying hippo. Maybe you could try posting in Bodies Under Seige for more replies. The Nest also has lots of free hugs and lots of support.
Take care.

[Flying Hippo]

Thank you so much for your support, I got another horrible message from them wrhich really set me off into a wreck.

I self harmed, I tried so hard not to. But I suppose my problem is that I felt secure in hospital, and now with my Dad dying everything seems strange and unsure.

It's going to take a while, but I will rebuild my life. Bus, as you said is a good place to start, so yeah, thanks for your support you're amazing and I hope I'll be able to reciprocate in teh future.

[piggylavigne]

hey, my dad died around about 3 years ago, i was only 11, so i know how you feel..pm me, if you need to talk about things.
try googling Winstons Wish (i cant remember the exact address)
but its a bereavement support website, and it's extrememly helpful.
*hug*
hope you keep strong.

[Licentia Poetica]

Hey there Welcome to coping.

I'm so sorry to hear about your Dad dying. That's really hard. Grief is a horrible thing to cope with, you should keep in mind that it's probably affecting you in ways you don't even know about at the moment. 6 weeks isn't very long at all, so you're bound to be having emotions all over the place, especially depression.

I'm borderline too. And yeah I get the "reality sliding" type feelings. Keep trying to ground yourself, focusing on what you're doing, or where you are - sounds, music, people, images.

Well done on ringing crisis lines and trying to fight your urges. Keep hanging in there, the feelings pass, I promise.

El