ok heres the basic pre-story with my mom:.. i lived with her for since i was about 3. i saw my dad every second weekend and talked to him for 15 minutes every week night. i couldnt stand her. we couldnt go 10 minutes without a screaming, often violent, always irrational argument. she was basically just a jerk __(well now my therapist thinks she might have a cognitive dysfunction)__ [for example.. when i was 3, i was allowed to talk to my dad for 20 minutes (i think) every night. then, suddenly, she decided that she didnt want me talking to him at all, so my parents went to court. the judge decided on the 15 minutes thing. in all the years since then, at any given time, she could have let me talk to him more. but she never did.] just last year i moved in with my dad. i couldnt take her any more. long story short, she followed me, i refused to see her, she begged, nobody understood, i got sent to therapy, i finally gave in, i saw her about 3 times, we fought, i refused to see her again, a year long separation was decided by therapist and father. but now she really wont leave me alone. she sends me gifts and stuff.. and i know theyre completely superficial but i still feel really insanely bad.. this must suck lightsabers for her. i try not to feel guilty because i know ill just get sucked into all that shit all over again, but i mean shes my mom. im just really confused. everytime i see her it brings back all the bad memories and pain, but as bad as a mother as she was i dont know if i can do this to her, as a person. and everytime she sends me a gift i just feel like SHIT. i know shes just trying to get me back but still.. i just dont know what to think anymore..
~shizz
my mom (much ranting)-- confused
my mom (much ranting)-- confused
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black water lily
- one of us
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Sounds like you really could do with some space from your mum (even if its just for awhile). I get along with my mum almost as well. One time I apoligised for not wanting to see her again, 'cause of the guilt (huge mistake, meant several more years of the same misery). Anyway, isn't it a natural thing for any daughter to want to spread their wings?
But you know what is best for you in your situation, don't let the guilt trips that have been placed on you, stop you from making the decision thats right for you. (Is it possible that the guilt lies with your mum and not with you).
But you know what is best for you in your situation, don't let the guilt trips that have been placed on you, stop you from making the decision thats right for you. (Is it possible that the guilt lies with your mum and not with you).
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Cellardoor
- bus mechanic
- Posts: 3499
- Joined: Mon Aug 22, 2005 2:04 am
- Location: Ireland
im not feeling v useful, but i read anyways.
I built my house,
Where the ocean meets the land,
It's time to live again,
And pull my dreams out of the sand.
(take the pieces and build them skywards)
(expressions)
FOUR YEARS HAPPY AND FREE!
its just so hard.. sometimes it just really really seems like she cares..
~shizz
~shizz
Proud member of NOB WHEATS ..::Not Old But We Hate Every and All Text Speak::..&&&&& Member of SHACA &&&&&:purpstar:*Back in Black*:blkstar: Member of The Zombie Army "Brothers should pull up their pants." -Barack Obama Hugs & PMs are Welcome & Appreciated 
With parenting, as with pretty well everything, there is no "black and white" - there are no absolutes. Whilst your mother's actions were damaging to you, this doesn't mean that she didn't (and doesn't) love you. Whilst her mothering-skills appear to have been very flawed, this doesn't mean that she 'hated' you, or didn't love you... What she did is her responsibility, not yours, but what she did doesn't mean that she didn't love you - even though she didn't show this love adequately! My guess is that she does care... she doesn't know how to show it... and she's done some things in the past that have hurt you. You are not responsible for your Mum... you have every right to choose not to see her... you also have every right to choose to see her... you have every right to take steps to work out what's right for you in this...
I know how difficult that is, believe me...
Could you sit down with, say, your Dad, and work out between you what might be a good way of starting to have a little more contact with your Mum? It could be that you agree to communicate with your Mum by email for a while..... Or that you agree to talk to her on the phone at a certain time each week (that time specified by yourself)... Maybe, as time goes on, you could consider meeting with her - but with someone else there to make sure that nothing gets out of hand.
Your mum's actions have hurt you, and you have absolutely every right to want to protect yourself... but there are ways to have contact with your Mum, without putting yourself back in a vulnerable position again. You could explain to your Mum (by letter if you don't feel able to speak this out) that her actions in the past have hurt you, and that you want to take things slowly and steadily with her, now. You could explain that how you're feeling and behaving is a consequence of her actions... she needs to understand this. She might not like it, but it's a fact - the consequence of what she did, is the situation that you're in now... you have every right to want to protect yourself.
You have every right to do this on your own terms... and if it doesn't work, to withdraw again.
These are just suggestions... I hope they help!
I know how difficult that is, believe me...
Could you sit down with, say, your Dad, and work out between you what might be a good way of starting to have a little more contact with your Mum? It could be that you agree to communicate with your Mum by email for a while..... Or that you agree to talk to her on the phone at a certain time each week (that time specified by yourself)... Maybe, as time goes on, you could consider meeting with her - but with someone else there to make sure that nothing gets out of hand.
Your mum's actions have hurt you, and you have absolutely every right to want to protect yourself... but there are ways to have contact with your Mum, without putting yourself back in a vulnerable position again. You could explain to your Mum (by letter if you don't feel able to speak this out) that her actions in the past have hurt you, and that you want to take things slowly and steadily with her, now. You could explain that how you're feeling and behaving is a consequence of her actions... she needs to understand this. She might not like it, but it's a fact - the consequence of what she did, is the situation that you're in now... you have every right to want to protect yourself.
You have every right to do this on your own terms... and if it doesn't work, to withdraw again.
These are just suggestions... I hope they help!
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