confession... *SA*

[Quiet little Angel]

i think it might be time now to get this out... i think i'm finally safe enough on this board to say it...



here goes... between the ages of 7 and 10 i was sexually abused by a girl my own age... repeatedly...



i know it sounds unbelievably stupid and not realistic... but it's very real... it has taken me more 10 years to finally admit it... and this is the first time ever that i tell anyone... i can't even say it out loud when i'm alone... the words just don't exist...

it probably seems wierd that all of the sudden i feel like sharing this... but i think i might just need to tell someone before i can actually really let myself believe it... i've tried not thinking about it, pushing it away but i know that in the long run that wont bring me anything but trouble...

i might delete this post in a minute... like i did the last 5 times... but i'm going to try not to...


please don't pound on me too hard for this... i'm not looking for challenges... i don't mind people asking questions, but please do so in a gentle way...

[briochick]

Oh, May *big hug* I'm so sorry to hear that happened to you. It's absolutely horrible that it did. I'm not going to challenge you but I would like to remind you of a few things. First: what happened to you was horrible, that doesn't mean you'er horrible (it doesn't mean you're any other bad adjective you might find to fit in there either). What happened to you has not ruined you, it hasn't sullied who you are, and it wasn't your fault. It doesn't matter that the person who did it was a girl or your age (some little kids can be real psychos and/or just as manipulative as the worste adults). You can deal with this. You can acknowledge and work through all the horrible feelings and memories that come along with it right now and you can be ok.

I don't know exactly how you're feeling as I've never been sa, but i hazzarded a guess based on what i know of my own painful memories and those of people i know who have been sa. If I was totally off base than please don't be offended.

Much love and hugs,

[Quiet little Angel]

you're pretty spot on about the feelings, so no need for me to be offended... not that i would be anyway...

i know it shouldn't matter that it was a girl my own age who did it... but it just makes it so hard to talk about... i have, and please don't anyone get offended by this, sometimes wished that it could atleast have been an adult who did it... it's so tabu... so not accepted... i don't know why, but it matters a lot... it matters because feel like a freak... because i hardly ever heard of anyone having had that expierience... where as with an adult abuser it's more heard off... (trying hard not to offend anyone... but this is how i feel about it...)
but i know... it shouldn't matter who did it...



still feeling wierd about this being out...

[briochick]

I think I can understand what you mean, May. If it had been an adult than you could know more that it wasn't your fault and you didn't do anyting to bring it on yourself. With another kid people might think you did something or were just 'playing doctor' and brush it off as less than the undesired and traumatic thing it really was. When it's an adult and a child than the responsibility always falls on the adult, but it's hard to know what people will say when it's two kids. On a different note, incest is unpleasantly common here in the states and that's pretty much the same thing as what happened to you, just between siblings, and it is taken seriously...well, some of the time. I believe you though, and i'm sure that there are some irl people who would. Hang in there. You're really wonderful, this thing can't change that.

[volta]

i understand what you mean, but not where you've been, so all i can do is tell you i care.

[vampire_kisses]

I can really relate to the thing about not being able to say it out loud; same thing happened to me with SI, it used to be such a minuscule thing in me, at least, that's how I tried to keep it, but it became bigger and bigger until it was about to swallow me up, and finally, the word came, and soon after that, bus came too

As for the SA, I really understand you . If it was an adult, it would be easier for you to discuss it, because it's much more common, and you feel you would find more people to relate to,and it would be less likely to be brushed under the rug.
It makes perfect sense,
but you have a right to be hurt, and angry, and sensitive about the situation.
You were hurt, and you have a right to feel hurt, no matter who the offender was.
Good luck, and I'm here if you need to talk
Hugs if you want them,
<3 Dee

[Quiet little Angel]

thank you... and sorry i haven't answered sooner, but i've been taking some time off from all this... still having a hard time getting used to talking about it... or well... writing about it... still can't utter the words IRL...

Brio: exactly the things you point out are the reactions i'm scared of... that people will try to make it less of a thing than it is... i really think that those types of reactions are part of why it isn't something you hear about much... because like me others will probably be scared too...

anonymous08: thank you for caring, it means a lot !

Dee: thank you for being here, and you're right, it would be easier to talk about if it was a grownup... it would be more acceptabel...




i'm still trying to hide from this... i think that's why i took a break from all this... not because i really needed it... i just didn't want to face this... i think i though that by staying away for a while i'd avoid thinking of all this...

[Licentia Poetica]

I'm sorry this happened to you.

It's good you're finally talking about it, even if it's here.

The title "confession" seems to suggest that this is something you did wrong. Which is very untrue.

[Quiet little Angel]

i know that you're probably right... but it's a confession to me, because this is something i'm very very ashamed of... i know people say i shouldn't be, but i am... hence the title... and i wouldn't know what else to call it...

[Licentia Poetica]

*nods* I understand.

Hopefully one day you will feel differently

[Quiet little Angel]

yeah, i hope so too... hopefully talking about it will help me getting there...

[vampire_kisses]

you've taken the first HUGE step
and we'll be here to help you along the entire way
Much love <3333333
Dee

[Quiet little Angel]

thank you Dee, it really means a lot... and i'm probably going to need a lot of support...



i've been having a lot of flashbacks today... horrible ones... i've tried to look at them without feeling, but they just seem so unbelieveable... like i could never imagine that a kid could do that to another... i know it's not something that anyone can really respond to, but i just can't, and won't, talk details... not here... it's just too... i don't know... repulsing?


still very ashamed... i feel like i've got dirt all over me... it's a stupid feeling...

[volta]

it's not a stupid feeling.
no feelings are stupid feelings.
it's the way we choose to handle them that matters.
feelings are triggered by the way we think, and there's no wrong way to think about things, because everyone has a different point of view.
as for the way you're handling your feelings,
you're not ignoring them - you're trying to constructively deal with them. so it's not at all stupid.

you're doing the right thing in acknowledging that they're harming you.
you're not covering them up.

and you're not stupid. the way you feel isn't stupid.

it's okay.

you've been hurt. and it's not your fault. you're not to blame for this. it's okay for you to feel dirty, and ashamed - no one wants something like this to happen to them.

i hope you feel better soon.

[briochick]

You're not dirty. You're wonderful.

[Quiet little Angel]

thank you very much... but how do you get rid of that dirty, filthy feeling? other than not thinking about it anymore... because really that's all that seems to work... the more i suppress it the less dirty i feel... but if i try to deal with the thoughts i just end up feeling lousy...

i'm trying a new way... every time i come to think about it or i get a flashback i force myself to think of something good... so that the bad feeling will go away... i think it's what i did when i was younger and i felt ashamed of it... before i knew what it really was that had happened... but that might not be a good way to deal...

[briochick]

I think taht maybe, like a lot of other things, the way you'll not feel dirty is by understanding truth. I'd be willing to bet that along with the memory comes a barage of feelings and maybe even words. Things telling you what you are and where you belong. Maybe to feel good you have to see what happened, acknoledge it, see the words and feelings being fed you, and realize they're lies. I guess, what I've learned is that it's not good enough to stop a bad thought or get out of a bad situation, to heal you have to replace it with good. So maybe you see the memory in your mind's eye and there's revulsion, so you say to yourself "I am not disgusted by me. I'm disgusted by what happened to me. I am not disgusting." or maybe a little voice in your head tells you you're weak so you say "I was not weak, I was a child. What happened to me was awful but it does not define me. I'm not a child anymore. I will be/I am strong."

*shrugs* I hope maybe that helps a little. That's what I had to do when I kept remembering how I'd lied to police officers to keep my dad from goign to jail for hitting me.

[Quiet little Angel]

thanks Brio, that makes a lot of sence actually... i'm going to try it...


i think i might have figured something out... it's a little wierd, but i've always felt very very selfconcious about my appearance when girls my own age look at me... meaning i can't help but think they're looking at something ugly that's wrong with me... i think that might have something to do with what happened... does that make sence?

[Librariana]

May...

I'm so sorry this happened to you. It has colored your world for a long time. You deserve nothing but the best, but back then you got the worst.

I'm looking at your situation from the other end of the spectrum. When I was a little kid, I coerced a little boy I knew about my age into an inappropriate touching situation, and I am now charged with the responsibility of finding him some thirty years later and trying my best to make amends to him.

We were caught, and both of us were punished, but I think he got the worst of it because it was assumed that the boy would be the aggressor. That wasn't true. But he never spoke up against me.

I've carried that guilt and shame from what I did around for three decades. And I won't stop looking for him, ever. I was completely wrong, and I believe I hurt him terribly. Just as you were hurt. I don't know if the person who victimized you will ever step up to the plate and try to make things right with you, but I hope so.

I know it won't mean much, but -I- am sorry. I apologize. You have every right to be angry and tearful and hurt.

I hope getting it out will help you start to heal.

[Quiet little Angel]

thank you... it really means something, it does. and i'm very very glad that you're looking for him... i don't know if hearing her apologize would help any... but atleast it would mean that she grew up to be a decent person... i don't mean to offend you, but i think i might not want her to apologize... because it would mean that she was a good person which makes it so much harder to hate someone... i still think you should try and find him though... to get rid of that guilt...