Parental Problems...again (Kind of long)

[Silver_Kitsune]

Last night, at about 1 in the morning, I was feeling really happy. My boyfriend had just spent the day with me, and everything seemed to be going right for a change. Until my family came home:
A - my stepdad
B - my mom
C - my halfsister

When my parents came in, they played the messages on the answering machine. It was from my father and he was talking about how he has the jet ski up and running and I need a bathing suit and life jacket. My mom asks me if I can still wear the bathing suit that I got back in sixth or seventh grade (I'm going into 10th). I tell her that it's too small (which is a reason why I didn't swim last summer - I can't fit in it). She immediately starts yelling at me, calling me ungrateful and using every curse word she could throw at me. And it hurt. A lot. I thought my relationship with my mom was improving, but every little bit of improvement just went down the drain, right then.

I try to tell her calmly that I've had quite a few growth spurts since getting the bathing suit, but A wouldn't have none of it. I think A was drunk because he never, ever goes on my mom's side (he usually stays out of the matter and lets me and B resolve it ourselves). So he starts yelling at me, calling me the same things that my mom did. When B got A distracted, I quickly sneaked to my room.

A and B were yelling at each other, but it was mostly about me. A would call me a bunch of names, and B would defend me before calling him a bunch of names. I couldn't tell whose side she was on. Maybe she was drunk too. I didn't want to get close enough to check because:
1) When people yell for whatever reason, I'm absolutely terrified. Even if it's a yell out of happiness, like winning the lottery or whatever, I still get terrified and I try to get out of there ASAP. I don't know why I do that, but I can't stand people yelling.
2) They were fighting in the kitchen, and the knives and scissors were out. I was really afraid of being stabbed or cut by A, especially since I know I would be helpless and B wouldn't be able to save me.

I tried to get my window open in my bedroom, but I couldn't. I wanted to run so badly, to get out of there and go to my boyfriend's house (the only comforting place I know anymore). But it wouldn't open no matter what I did. I sat under the windowsill, trembling. About 10-15 feet away was my door, so I'd be able to have a decent chance of escaping through there if need be. Eventually, A and B did stop fighting, but I was still trembling and wouldn't even move.

The voices in my head kept telling me to do all of these bad things to myself, like killing myself or hurting myself, as if it'd make everything better. There was one voice that was trying to comfort me, like it always does when I'm sad or lonely. I don't think it's my conscious because do consciouses sound just like the person? The voice was icy, but it wasn't a bad icy. It's a comforting voice to hear because I hear it whenever I'm sad and about ready to SI. The other voices encourage me to SI and commit suicide every day. When I hear the voices, I can't think straight or anything. My friends say it's like I've zoned out, like I'm daydreaming.

I sat like that under the windowsill...well, until now. I couldn't get any sleep. I was afraid to, because I'd be helpless if A came in. So I sat trembling under the windowsill all night. Whenever I slept, I got nightmares about everything, but mostly the events that just occured.

I'm really concerned about myself right now. I don't feel safe in my own house anymore. I don't consider my house a home because I've never felt a mother's love. I never had a father's guidance. A came into my life and made it living heck. I hate him.

I know the voices aren't normal, but I don't want to get on medicine for it. I don't want the one with the icy voice to go away. She's kind, almost like a mother, but not at the same time. It's hard to explain.

I've been having these flashbacks of memories that happened when I was 5. I locked them away because they hurt me so much. Now they're out and found new friends. I'm almost 15 now, and I've experienced the fight between my mother and father right before their divorce.

In that fight, I yelled at my mother to stop yelling because I was trying to sleep. She turned to me angerily and yelled, "Do you want me and daddy to live in different houses?" I said I didn't. "But then we wouldn't be fighting anymore," she said. I didn't say anything in response. "Do you want mommy and daddy to live in different houses?" she asked, looking at me. I nodded yes because I didn't want them to keep fighting. My father got angry and stormed out, getting in his old Ford pickup truck. I ran after my father because I loved him and didn't want to leave. I ran outside after him only to see him driving away in that old pickup truck.

So I see the divorce as my fault, because I'm the one that said Yes. A and B are considering a divorce too, I guess. I don't like C very much, but I don't want her to go through the same pain I did. I don't know what to do. Everything's a war inside me now. Everything I knew seems to be a lie now. I seem to be breaking down, if I didn't last night.

Right now, I don't feel anything. Nothing. No sadness, no anger, nothing. I'm numb again, just like before, and the only way I know out of it is to SI. But I can't do that. When I do, my boyfriend usually finds out, but he's understanding about it. But I can see it in his eyes that it hurts him as well as me. So that's my reason for quitting SI.

If you've been in a situation like this, can you tell me how'd you make it better? You could send me a PM, if you wanted. It took a lot of courage to even turn on my computer (the darn thing's so loud). I don't know if they're still drunk and angry or not. I thought if I turned on the computer and they heard it, they'd hit me or something.

I don't know what the heck's going on now. I feel almost like a third wheel, but I'm the fourth wheel in my case. I've been trying to improve my relationship with A and B, but after last night, I've lost all respect I had for them. I thought adults were supposed to be responsible and not yell when they are solving their problems. Guess not.

I want out of this place. I don't feel safe here, or welcome. Like...it feels like I'm a wolf that's chained at the ankles and has a muzzle on. Everytime I try to escape, the chains stop me and I can't lash out with my anger. Emotions like anger and sadness are disapproved of in my house, so I have to hold it in. I want to just get out of this place. But I don't know where to turn.

Off topic, but can someone tell me what the purpose of the threads with "(username)'s Coping Space"? Are they just threads that they post coping techniques on, or do they use it as a minijournal? I was going to look in a few threads like that to see what they're about, but I feel like I'm invading their privacy when I do that.

[Stripe]

That sounds pretty awful, and I am sorry that I have no constructive solve-all advice.

I am here though, and if you want to PM me I'm ok to listen if ever you need me.

Miranda

[monkey]

The voices thing - I didnt tell anyone for years. And yes, they did try to medicate me at first to see what helped. But now I have the meds as back up for if everything else fails.
I know what its like to hear them. There's docs and nurses these days who can help you cope with the voices in different ways rather than just dope you up. And you dont get locked up for hearing things that other people cant hear
Could your boyfriend help you at all? Maybe theres a councillor at school or someone like that you can talk to about the whole situation?
It sounds rough for you - hang in there
xx

Monk

[TheRockingHorse]

if available, i agree with monkey about talking to a school counselor. it helped me so much.

[Silver_Kitsune]

Could your boyfriend help you at all? Maybe theres a councillor at school or someone like that you can talk to about the whole situation?
It sounds rough for you - hang in there
xx

Monk

I have to go to the doctor's in less than 2 weeks, and I'm really stressed out about it. I don't know her at all, but I want to tell her about what I've been going through. Right now, I have the courage to get help, and I don't want it to disappear before I have the chance to get help from her. I'm afraid about getting help, but I keep trying to tell myself it's for teh best.

School's out, so I can't see a consoler. I used to have one nearly four years ago, before everything began. We didn't have the money to let me keep going to her, so I never saw another one because of my parent's financial issues.

I've been thinking about what my boyfriend can do to help...the problem is, that when people do try to help me, I feel really guilty because they're going out of their way to help me. As much as I want help, I don't want to be a burden to anyone either, financially, emotionally, whatever. I've always struggled to ask people for help, even as a little kid. I always felt like I wasn't deserving enough of help, and I think that belief stuck with me.

I'm getting nervous and scared now because my mother's not wearing her wedding ring, and neither is my stepfather. My father's going through a divorce, my father and mother went through a divorce nearly 10 years ago, and now it looks like my mother's going to go through one. I've been stressed out emotionally all year because of school, but then summer, the one little period out of the year in which I don't have any stress, turns into a huge stresser too, but I can't avoid it. The thing is, if I know I can't avoid something, I don't even try to avoid it. I just get dragged along and I don't even try to fight back, and I think that's why I still SI. I just feel so bad sometimes that I don't even bother to fight back agains my emotions or the voices.

Sorry if what I wrote doesn't make sense, I'm really triggered right now and I'm trying to sort my thoughts out.

[mallie]

In that fight, I yelled at my mother to stop yelling because I was trying to sleep. She turned to me angerily and yelled, "Do you want me and daddy to live in different houses?" I said I didn't. "But then we wouldn't be fighting anymore," she said. I didn't say anything in response. "Do you want mommy and daddy to live in different houses?" she asked, looking at me. I nodded yes because I didn't want them to keep fighting.

You do know that it isn't fair of your mother to have asked that question to you? Your parents divorce was not because of how you answered, and was not because of you.

Telling your doctor what is happening sounds like a good idea. They might be able to offer you some support, or suggest places you can get free or cheap counselling. There is a good thread on the main board where people have shared ideas on ways to get counselling when you can't afford it, and some of those might be ideas you can use. See here.

As much as I want help, I don't want to be a burden to anyone either, financially, emotionally, whatever. I've always struggled to ask people for help, even as a little kid. I always felt like I wasn't deserving enough of help, and I think that belief stuck with me.

Asking for help doesn't obligate someone to do so. If someone does help you, its because they are willing to put time and effort into doing so. Seeking out people that are supportive and asking for their help is a way that YOU can help yourself. It is a hard thing to do, but you are as deserving of help as anyone else is.

Take care.

[Silver_Kitsune]

I've read that thread, and it gave me some good ideas. I'll be sure to keep them in mind.

I'll have to remember what you said about people giving me help, mallie. Sometimes I feel selfish when I ask for help, but I guess I'm going to have to ignore it when I do ask.

(Sorry if what I wrote doesn't make sense. My thoughts and feelings are all messed up right now because I had another encounter with my mother this morning.) There's SU and possibly SI triggers in the below paragraph.

Me and my dog were walking to the living room, when all of a sudden he stopped and started doing these odd choking noises. I was scared because I had no idea what was going on, until I saw puke laying on the floor. So I yelled to my mom, who was in the other room, that my dog puked. She didn't answer, so I yelled louder. What I didn't expect was her to throw a pen, tip out, at me. She hung up the phone that I didn't even know she was on, and started ranting about how I was almost 15 and how I don't act like it because I wasn't quiet when she was on the phone. I stuck up for myself, saying that I didn't know she was on the phone, but she didn't have any of it. She started calling me a bunch of names that I shouldn't repeat here, so I just got off the floor (because I was kneeling next to my dog), and just left. *SU Warning*



As I started walking down the road, I started beating myself up inside along with my voices. They were telling me how worthless I was, how selfish and rude and all of these other things. And I agreed with them. I said that I wished I could get hit by a car and die, or something that would kill myself. What I really didn't expect was a car to go flying down the road and nearly hit me. I finished my walk, trying to figure out whether or not I should run away. I decided not to, so I came back home and locked myself up in my room.

I'm not really SU right now, but I am really triggered to SI because of the amount of stress my mother's putting on me and my feelings. My mother always puts on more and more stress on me when it comes close to my birthday. When I turned 13, I was nearly blown away by the stress she put on me. I was being asked to do things that I had never even had experience doing before (like cleaning the house. I tried to do that when she asked me to, only to be complained to. She didn't tell me what to use or how to use it, or even where the things were.). In my freshman year in high school, she put too much pressure on me and my schoolwork. I don't even want to know what she's plotting this year.

[emokid3108]

Hi! I can almost totally relate to you. My parents are always fighting and its usually about me. My dad is probably the worst out of the two, he can flip at the tiniest of things, seriously the other day he nearly killed me and I am actually not joking; I missed a swimming training session because I was so tired, he completely flipped, he got so angry, he kept calling me a loser and telling me how I would fuck up my life if I kept on acting like a fat slob and other rather rude insults that I can't really put on the internet without using ***s. Whenever I say something back to him he hits me with his belt. I hate him sooo much, it leaves big purple bruises all over my legs and back so I can't do PE incase someone sees. I hate it so much because if a PE teacher phones home and asks why I didn't do PE my dad just gets even more angry and hits me again so it just goes round and round in a circle.
The other week my dad pushed it way too far seriously, I couldn't go to school because I felt so ill, I had a fever and everything. He kept saying that I always skived off and I was a lazy pig who just couldn't care less about anything. Anyway I refused to go to school and he was pulling me and kicking me out my bedroom. He actually grabbed me by the hair and pulled me headfirst down the stairs. When I got to the front door I just legged it down to the park, I was actually so scared I was practically pooing myself. Anyway the police got involved and my dad got off completlely scott-free and said that I just had another violent moodswing and stormed out the house, he kept saying that I was a pysco and that I was a wrist-slitter so now the police think that it is me who needs to be locked up not my dad and its so UNFAIR. The stupid thing is that I always blame myself if things like this happen. I guess it is my fault because if there ever is a family row it generally involves me, so it is my fault. Thats basically why I SI.
Sorry that I havn't been much help! At least now you know that your not alone! If you want someone to talk to you can always PM me...
Luv Franki xx
Oh yeah and btw I am 14 too... so quite near to your age!

[Chis]

Hey Silver!
I can relate to several things you have experienced. Like getting yelled at for doing something your parents asked you to do (in my case too, cleaning the house). I don't think my parents are as mad at me as your seems to be (it really sounds awful! How can your parents, well mom and stepdad be like that? Aren't parents supposed to take care of their children?), but I do think they unintentionally get mad at me for something that isn't my fault, they asked me to do etc. It really hurts when they do that!
Please, please try to get your SU thoughts out! I know it's really hard as I've had a lot of SU thoughts myself. It's good that you have a reason to stop SI'ing. That's what I need to, but I don't so I keep doing it. If you can't afford a private counsellor try to take contact with a school one. Counsellors/psychologists have never worked for me, and I'm kinda limited to who I can see because theres so few in the town I live. But I guess I have to find a new one now that I've taken up my SI'ing and depression again.
Anyways, i'm 15 entering 10th grade as well and we seem to be in quite "similar" situations so if you want to PM me, talk to me on msn or anything just do so =)!

[pelagic]

Voices you hear.. I think everybody hears voices in their head, it has to be normal, I do and it's usually something that is emotionally beating me up. Sometimes, I succumb to it, other times I manage to ignore it. And never take mecication for such a thing, I don't believe that solves anything.

If my mom and dad argued as much as my mom and I argued, they'd be getting a divorce. Only, you cannot divorce your child. I'm constantly yelled at for the simplist things, and I know how you feel about yelling.. Usually I can handle it, but sometimes it gets so bad I cover my ears and curl up, wishing everything would just go away...

It makes me overprotective of my younger brother. Yeah, sometimes I pick on him, but when others do, well, they have no right, you see. When my dad was cursing at my brother, calling him names that I cannot repeat here, I lost it. I won't say what I did, but let's just say my dad's anger was directed towards me, leaving my brother alone.. Finally.