can someone give me ideas please?

[rainbow_rally]

i dont normally venture into 'coping' but right now i just need some ideas and thoughts. basically i hate myself, i mean really hate myself. i keep having visions of od-ing or removing myself from this life. various people have said to me to stop feeling sorry for myself and move on from the past-thats mainly in my work places because they feel they're walking on egg shells around me, incase i start crying or something. i always feel im the one to blame when something goes wrong and im involved, i walk around on egg shells a lot of the time, frightened i'll upset someone. but at home im a total bitch, i snap at everyone, i let off so much steam but i cant tell them how i feel, instead i put it in actions-negative ones at that.

so any ideas of how to make myself feel happy, or at least change my thoughts into positive ones and stop feeling sorry for myself and negative and to start liking myself more? much appreciated

[Random Idiot]

how about getting a notebook or something and getting people to write things in there that they like about you, and everytime you feeling really self hatey you can read it.

[Sticky Wicket]

It sounds like your doing to others what was done to you. In that sense, your not really even acting out as yourself, but as an extension of the bitter nature someone projected into you - by being harsh and impatient and tempting you to fall into upsets.

It is often a dog eat dog world we live in and there are dangerous undercurrents. People often pass on the harm that has been done to them. A boss can yell at Dad, Dad will then yell at Mom, Mom yells at the kid and the kids can beat the dog (or SI themselves).

Just think of all this as a game of "hot potato". People can be carrying a load of rage and frustration inside them from reacting to provocations and knuckling down to other peoples angry wills - in consequence they too can need to knock others down to feel better. They need to pass on their upset to another and do it via the angry reactions they provoke.

That's one reason you feel everything is your fault when it isn't. Being very upset and angry always produces a guilt. Kids whose parents are a getting divorce will think all is their fault. It's because they are angry and upset that they feel guilt though. If I thought the sky was pink and you said "no it isn't" - and then I began to curse and yell at you and call you names for not seeing the sky was "pink" you might get very upset and feel guilty for not agreeing with me when of course you did nothing wrong.

Now if you get provoked enough times you can forget how to stay in touch with your own delicate bond to your core self. People can keep shocking and upsetting you away from who you really are and making you feel upset and dark and frustrated like they do. It's like they put some of themselves into you through your reactions. You could think of this as the law of emotional correspondence.

A kid with an angry parent can be provoked until they are just like the parent. Or - a kid can try to fight becoming a bully like the parent and so they try to be the opposite and let people walk on them. In either case that's an extreme and not a true measure of who the child is.

Now I am sure you make mistakes, but the key thing here is that your not happy with parts of who you are and have conflcit over them. Truth be told, I would say these parts are not who you really are at heart. The fact you see things wrong and have regret shows your conscientious.

Hating yourself is what you have been set up to do since you have probably been criticised and upset for every little thing. You need to realise that was/is never a good way to have people grow up. People doing that weren't entirely doing it for your benefit even if they said so at the time. You were convienient target to dump the poision into.

One reason I can imagine you walk on egg shells is because someone has you shell shocked. You fear your own reactions because people in the past used them to turn you inside out. People can get agorophobia that way.

It's true you don't want to dwell in the past - but you still need to resolve it. The way you resolve the past is to learn to modify and relate to the present - especailly to the types of people who seem like your past upsetters. Each time you feel the hurt of what people do but resist the rage and resentment that really psychically opens you up then you will undue some of the bonds that keep you locked in.

Many suppressed rages, resentments, sorrows etc are buried where you have suppressed them unresolved since you were a child. Many of these would actually bubble up for review (one reason for flashbacks) if your reactions didn't keep feeding them and locking them in. So don't struggle or resent things you see and feel. Don't HATE them since that feeds them more of the negative emotionality that created them in the first place.

You don't have to like what people do to you and you don't have to ignore anything. Nor do you ahve to "defeat" such things. You win by "not losing" and that means feeling the hurt but not the hate.

Realise if your resenting people in work place all day and suppressing it, it will bounce up like a beachball exploding to surface latter on - and ussually with people you feel safer with like family members (as was done to you once).

Now "trying" to feel happy or positive is not the way to go since it sets you up to feel more negative - psitive thinking backfires. Here is a delicate point: if your unhappy you need to stop doing what leads to your unhappiness - then happiness comes back on its own.

None of us can rely on conditions to remain content since they always change. What w can do is learn to modify our respose to conditions so that they don't turn us inside out and leaving us feeling like an effect in our lives instead of a cause.

Optimism, emotional security, objectivity, resilience etc. - all these go out the window with a good upset. Then like metal fillings around a magnet morbidity, fear, futility and demoralisation set in areouns your psyche until you cant imagine being carefree again.

The way back then is not to try to goose yourself into thinking positive because thats like pulling a rubber band and the realities just snap back. You can't substitute one extreme for another because its stil an extreme. What you want is your own center. That is where healing takes place naturally.

[angel-for-you]

i understand...i felt the same way...i wrote a story...but that made it worse for me because i wrote of what i wanted t do to myself...but couldnt bring myself to put the razor to my skin and push across...i have attempted and felt horrible...think of the people that you love...and that they would miss you...there are many who woyuld trust me...ive been ont he recieving end of almost losing someone...ive been there for two different su attempts...my sister and best friend...the two worst nights of my life...sis tried to cut her wrist and friend tried to apand od..and si...but i walked in three seconds before she gave in...please dont put anyone through seeing you in a coffin....its not worth putting the ones ou love through that...