I'm kind of surprised I'm writing this - I haven't felt this bad in quite a long time - I've been doing well, haven't SI'd at all in over 1.5 years, gotten my life back together....
..but then this past week I've been feeling really down, getting thoughts of SI and SU - thinking, what the heck is all that about? It was so sudden and it's quite scary to see it back....
and then I spoke to my friend's (who killed herself) father, and hearing the pain in his voice brought everything back.....the pain of losing her, the pain of everything surrounding it....
...and now i just feel teary, sad, wanting to blow in some way, not sure what...
i don't think Iv'e really talked to people, besides her father, about her death, about the time before she died, or all the fiasco that happened after she finally did kill herself...
I found out after, what such a huge TABOO that is - even so-called 'mental health professionals' wouldn't speak to me - they kept telling me to talk to someone else, so I never did end up talking to anyone...and it's like you become like a leper or something if you do mention that you had a friend (or anyone close to you really) die like that....
I don't know how to cope with this, how to deal with this, what to say, what.....I"m afraid to revisit the time, there's so much pain there still....
I don't want to lose what I've worked for, but I need to find a way to cope with this....
..or even to be just able to talk about this, without people running away....
help?
tx,
Naomi
Friends SU anniversary today (no details)
Friends SU anniversary today (no details)
Last edited by Naomi_Om on Sun Jan 21, 2007 5:48 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Seeshellz
- my other car is a bus
- Posts: 34295
- Joined: Tue May 18, 2004 1:51 am
- Location: Hiding in my shell...
First off I am really sorry, I can understand how you feel, just this past fall, my friend committed SU also, and it is really hard to deal with...
Sounds like you never got a real chance to properly grieve your friends death?
Am I right??
If I am you really need to get in touch with your feelings and grieve for her. Let those feelings out whatever they are, no feelings are wrong, they are just feelings.
And sounds like you really need someone to talk to about this to other than her father, can you find someone IRL that you can talk to her about?
It would really help you.
You really need to get it out...sounds like to me..And let yourself cry if you need to, it is really good to cry...cry, cry, cry....
I hope I helped....
Sounds like you never got a real chance to properly grieve your friends death?
Am I right??
If I am you really need to get in touch with your feelings and grieve for her. Let those feelings out whatever they are, no feelings are wrong, they are just feelings.
And sounds like you really need someone to talk to about this to other than her father, can you find someone IRL that you can talk to her about?
It would really help you.
You really need to get it out...sounds like to me..And let yourself cry if you need to, it is really good to cry...cry, cry, cry....
I hope I helped....
"If you learn from your suffering,
and really come to understand the lesson you were taught,
you might be able to help someone else who's now
in the phase you may have just completed.
Maybe that's what it's all about after all..."
Anonymous
and really come to understand the lesson you were taught,
you might be able to help someone else who's now
in the phase you may have just completed.
Maybe that's what it's all about after all..."
Anonymous
I've never lost a friend to suicide, but I've had close friends die, and close friends attempt suicide.
i'm here and my pm box is always open to you if you want to talk.
i'm here and my pm box is always open to you if you want to talk.
still waters run deep
Thanks Seeshellz and Sar for your comments.
Seeshellz you're right, I havent' really dealt with it - haven't really spoken much about it except to her father, and him I've had to support, because he was a worse mess than I was (understandably - to lose a child, that's got to be one of the hardest things in life).
It's funny - I don't know how to grieve. I can't figure out what that means and how to do that.
And I'm afraid if I let myself feel, I'll fall apart. I feel sadness or anger with this, they alternate, but it feels so overwhelming.
And nothing makes sense - thinking about her death, the fact that we die, raises so many questions about this life, living as a human being, birth and death, and the whys. My trap is that I fall into thinking that our existence is meaningless or absurd, and I start to wonder why? [and i know there are no answers, but it's an old habit i guess]
I'm going to need to sit with this....but if you guys can tell me what grieving means...any ideas?
Naomi
Seeshellz you're right, I havent' really dealt with it - haven't really spoken much about it except to her father, and him I've had to support, because he was a worse mess than I was (understandably - to lose a child, that's got to be one of the hardest things in life).
It's funny - I don't know how to grieve. I can't figure out what that means and how to do that.
And I'm afraid if I let myself feel, I'll fall apart. I feel sadness or anger with this, they alternate, but it feels so overwhelming.
And nothing makes sense - thinking about her death, the fact that we die, raises so many questions about this life, living as a human being, birth and death, and the whys. My trap is that I fall into thinking that our existence is meaningless or absurd, and I start to wonder why? [and i know there are no answers, but it's an old habit i guess]
I'm going to need to sit with this....but if you guys can tell me what grieving means...any ideas?
Naomi
hi Naomi,
i can totally understand what you are going through. a close famimly friend killed himself in october and it is not something that you can deal with easily. i think it is really important that you greive for your friend and have a chane to say goodbye to her. maybe go to where she was buried and have a quiet time where you can let some of whta you are feeling out. i don't know if this helps at all.
if you need to talk send me a pm.
kellie
i can totally understand what you are going through. a close famimly friend killed himself in october and it is not something that you can deal with easily. i think it is really important that you greive for your friend and have a chane to say goodbye to her. maybe go to where she was buried and have a quiet time where you can let some of whta you are feeling out. i don't know if this helps at all.
if you need to talk send me a pm.
kellie
hi everyone, thanks kelsta
well today, technically (since it's after midnight), is exactly 2 years since A. killed herself.
I can't believe it's been 2 years - it feels like yesterday, and yet it feels so far away at the same time. Not sure if that makes sense. Time feels warped with this.
I haven't really thought about what I want to do today, i've been out the past few weeks with being sick.
I'm feeling anxious, but otherwise numb. I know I'm supressing things - a sure sign if I feel anxiety, but I'm not sure what to do. I think the grief is still so huge, I'm afraid it will overwhelm me, swallow me whole. But I don't want the dam to burst either.
I really miss her. My heart aches, and I still keep asking 'why?'
I knew I coudn't stop her, she was determined, but I don't get why it had to be this way. I wonder how things could have been different, even if it is a useless exercise.
I don't care if it's 2 days or 2 years, it still hurts the same, it still sucks, and no the pain doesn't get better - for those of you who are thinking of suicide, well let me tell you that's the worst pain for people around, and I guess I had to learn it the hard way.
A., I will always miss you, I will always love you.
Naomi
well today, technically (since it's after midnight), is exactly 2 years since A. killed herself.
I can't believe it's been 2 years - it feels like yesterday, and yet it feels so far away at the same time. Not sure if that makes sense. Time feels warped with this.
I haven't really thought about what I want to do today, i've been out the past few weeks with being sick.
I'm feeling anxious, but otherwise numb. I know I'm supressing things - a sure sign if I feel anxiety, but I'm not sure what to do. I think the grief is still so huge, I'm afraid it will overwhelm me, swallow me whole. But I don't want the dam to burst either.
I really miss her. My heart aches, and I still keep asking 'why?'
I knew I coudn't stop her, she was determined, but I don't get why it had to be this way. I wonder how things could have been different, even if it is a useless exercise.
I don't care if it's 2 days or 2 years, it still hurts the same, it still sucks, and no the pain doesn't get better - for those of you who are thinking of suicide, well let me tell you that's the worst pain for people around, and I guess I had to learn it the hard way.
A., I will always miss you, I will always love you.
Naomi
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TmptPlyr511
- unpacking boxes
- Posts: 54
- Joined: Sat Jan 20, 2007 4:53 am
- Contact:
Naomi,
Hey, I just wanted to say I am so sorry that you are going through this. I have not had to go through this but my best friend had a friend die 2 years ago. What she said really helped her was staying close to that friends family. Also talk to someone anyone. You need to get your feelings out.
Anyway I am always here if you need me. e-mail, IM, or PM. Anything any time.
Take care!
~Whit
if its ok
Hey, I just wanted to say I am so sorry that you are going through this. I have not had to go through this but my best friend had a friend die 2 years ago. What she said really helped her was staying close to that friends family. Also talk to someone anyone. You need to get your feelings out.
Anyway I am always here if you need me. e-mail, IM, or PM. Anything any time.
Take care!
~Whit
if its okThanks Whit, not sure what to say right now...just kinda...going through the day...
I did read a poem that I wanted to add....as I lack words today:
Do not stand at my grave and weep
Do not stand at my grave and weep;
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die.
- Mary E. Fry
I"m not even sure why this poem grabs me, or seems appropriate, but it does....somehow...
Naomi
I did read a poem that I wanted to add....as I lack words today:
Do not stand at my grave and weep
Do not stand at my grave and weep;
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die.
- Mary E. Fry
I"m not even sure why this poem grabs me, or seems appropriate, but it does....somehow...
Naomi
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