Help! I don't know what more to do... *ED/SI/Abuse trigger*

[PlaneCrazyYentl]

I'm really suicidal right now. Completely overstimulated and overwhelmed and I can't calm down. I've tried warm baths, reading a book, rocking back and forth, happier calming music, happy movies I love, writing poetry, blogging, cleaning and-

*sighs*

I'm taking 18 credits in school (8 classes) and that is a tiny bit stressful. I also help out with 3 different colleges' gay groups, 3 or 4 clubs on my own campus (where I am in leadership in 2), student government, a GLBT Episcopalian group, and the Democratic Party here. But most of my stress is emotional and school and that stuff is not very emotional. I was dating a girl until a little over a month ago and she already found another person (found her the day after she dumped me, it's a bit fishy) and I'm not reacting well. She said she still loved me (and I still love her) when we broke up, so I'm really confused about that. She dumped me because I identify as a transguy and she is really wrapped around her lesbian identity. Anyway, a friend of hers started some crap and told me she had cheated on me or was having sex with this girl she was interested in almost immediately after breaking up with me. I've been relapsing pretty bad these past couple months and while I haven't cut since January of 2005, I put out a cigarette on my wrist (and obliterated my many year record of no burning) beginning of September because of a double-murder suicide that happened in my apartment building....I knew all three involved. I also drank a lot more than normal that weekend and smoked 1/4 pack of cloves.

My thoughts don't seem clear and I know that, but I am trying to explain. Sorry. It's hard to eat, because I'm so anxious and I've been overexercising and restricting a lot lately. I slipped up and purged over the summer a couple of times and I'm trying not to do anything self-destructive but I feel like I'm going to explode - and if I do, there will be stitches and probably a withdrawal from school this semester.

Um, I started seeing a new therapist for gender therapy and we like her so far. She knows we're DID and about our ED and SI...said it shouldn't affect whether we can transition or not. We've been very dissociative lately and Isaac hasn't been out much. That is normal around this time of year, because of the seasons and how much sooner it gets dark plus various rape anniversaries-

Isaac (Host) was assaulted and almost raped for using the men's restroom 2 weeks ago and he hasn't told anyone but his ex-gf and the friend who told him about her possibly leaving him for that girl. He fought back and was able to get away, but didn't report it and he doesn't want to. He knows the guy, but doesn't see him on campus a lot. We've been avoiding the bathrooms since then. He'll be mad we posted that, but we feel it's important. He got into a physical fight over his male identity once at school recently, too. That- no one knows about, but guess people know now.

We don't want to go into the hospital, but none of us need food and Isaac refuses to eat a lot of the time. We're exhausted and triggered and just want to give up. We have to finish the semester though, even if his mom disowns him and says he doesn't matter. His dad apologized for the abuse about 5 weeks ago and Isaac hasn't responded. Doesn't know what to say. We're thinking of starting smoking cloves since that would be better than suicide probably...even though we're not supposed to 'cause of asthma.

Any advice on grounding techniques or relaxation methods we may not have tried would be greatly appreciated. We've lost x pounds in the last 2 weeks and Isaac is terrified. He keeps a razor blade in one of his DVD cases, we're not sure which one.....

[NotWhoIUsedToBe]

My first thought was to keep browsing BUS... Go to the sourcebook for heaps of relaxation/calm/madatitive ideas..... Browse Distractions or Games to change your focus, not fighting the stimulation but rather wearing it out... Come to Spirit even, The intensity of suicidality will pass. I know it's hard. You've (all) been through a lot. Try and focus on the fact that you've been through the worst already. If you have made it to 19 there is plenty of reason to keep going.

Plaese take care.

*care and compassion*

Psyche

[treasure]

can you talk to your therapist about si and suicidal thoughts? (it sounded like you mentioned it but there are other things you talk about, is that right?)

imo you probably still need time to grieve about the relationship that ended... being so busy might seem like a secondary stress but anxiety builds up so any way to reduce your stress can impact other things. i know its not a quick fix that you might need now, but do you have time put aside to relax? smoking and drinking and food issues are not all that effective in reducing your stress. what are some things that might help?

Completely overstimulated and overwhelmed and I can't calm down. I've tried....

the things you mentioned sound quite positive, but in mentioning them all, do you mean you've done one after the other? how long did you spend on it?

try sitting and breathing deeply, for 10 minutes or more, centering your thoughts on something positive. after that, try something that keeps you away from bringing back the anxiety. the coping list in this forum contains many other things you might want to do. be nice to yourself. find someone to talk to about this stuff. it sounds like you are looked up to, are you afraid of letting people down?

PM me if you want to. i probably don't have much in common with you, but i'm willing to listen. have you discussed any of these things online?

*hoping i didn't sound really stupid*

treasure