bullying

[marshmallowfluff]

i was bullied quite a lot for 4 years at high school, and i thought i was over it, but im not. In fact, im far from over it. I never dealt with it, and still havent dealt with it. I keep remembering things in bits and pieces. I remember the small things, but i know bad/big things happen, i just cant remember what. I saw a therapist last year but never talked to her about it; i never even told her i was bullied.

sooo... feedback is welcome, feel free to share experiences. Im just gonna use this thread to talk about it, cos i never really had the chance before. some of this stuff is still raw & hard to talk about, even though all of it happened over two years ago. But like i said, i havent dealt with it and i think its about time i did, and about tiem i moved on.

[fuyumi]

I went through a lot of bullying from kindergarten (having a Polish mother and also her maiden name until my parents got married didn't help a lot, when most of the kids came from purely Swedish families) all the way up to the year before I started high school.

I hope this thread will help you out. These things can be very hard to talk about, I know that I still think badly of several parts of myself much thank to what happened during those years.

[marshmallowfluff]

hmm okay this is a bit weird to be talking about this.

in year 6, i knew this lad. We'll call him D. D had problems with his insides, i think it was with his spleen. I remember during class he used to have to eat his dinner earlier than everyone else, because he needed to take medication. he was gonna have his spleen taken out. one day we were lauing and messing around and i said "when you having your insides taken out?" i didnt mean it nastily, i didnt mean it bad, i just didnt know what was wrong with him. soo... i feel kind of mean for that now. Because D told his mum, adn his mum csamre into school and my teacher stood me up whilst the whole class was there and gave me a proper knackering for bullying him. Im not trying to sound like the victim here, cos im not, i know i was the one in the wrong, but i remember my friend walking outta the classroom with a bag of crisps in her mouth and she said "i told you so" and walk outside and left me on my own. i think i was alone all day that day.

a few days later, iw ent to school with my hair down instead of tied back. D laughed at me. I remember muttering under my breath "i'll get my mum to come into school, shall i?"

fucking idiot

[marshmallowfluff]

hi fuyumi

thank you for posting

I'm sorry you were bullied too... tis not exactly the best thing that can happen to a kid, especially cos you were so young, too.

feel free to jump in and talk about anything at any time

hope you're alright

[tzanti]

I was bullied a lot. I was a very sensitive kid, and would burst into tears at the drop of a hat. So I was an easy target. The crying thing finally stopped about 15, but that's about where my SI started.

Like most bullied kids, I did my share of bullying as well. Oddly, one of my closest friends in adulthood, was one of my childhood victims. We met up one day, after we'd both left school, sat in a pub and agreed that back then we were kids and kids do stupid things. Since then we've been very close.

Also, I met my best friend because we were both picked on by the same people. It became a 'safety in numbers' thing. Twenty years on we're still inseperable, though living on opposite sides of the island.

I've not seen many of my tormentors since school. My year group were always uncommonly lazy and disorganised, so the lack of reunions for 10 or 20-year anniversaries is unsurprising. However, I don't feel I would have any trouble looking old adversaries in the eye, shaking them by the hand and not even caring about who or what they were 20-odd years ago. My best friend isn't so fortunate, he still considers our troubles to have severely messed up his life.

I wouldn't call any of my bullying experiences 'positive.' But I think that growing from them was something I needed to do. Perhaps I can say that my SI comes from the bullying, but I don't believe that. I think that I had started to tune out the bullies long before they stopped. I gave them what they wanted: tears, submission, power; and they left me alone until the next time. As a bully, I was a pure opportunist, and just joined in with the pack, because it was easy. At least it felt easy and safe at the time. Now it just feels distasteful and wrong.

T.

[marshmallowfluff]

H was my best friend at high school. She had a lot of problems mentally. She was seriously depressed and was a self-harmer.
We were outside tutor. There was a girl called C in my year who i *hated* and to be fair, she didnt like me either. Outside tutor that day, C was pulling my hair. S was there too. She was one of the "top dogs" of the year. R thought she was great cos she could sing & was really pretty. She was there as well. C was pulling my hair, rachel was pushing me and shelly was just generally being a bitch. They were asking my why i straightened my hair.
In history that afternoon, I was writing notes to L and we got onto the subject of A and why we had fallen out. St, who i really hated, read the note and wrote on it that A did right to "fall out with me" and she had better friends now and she didnt need me or H. I explained that I had told A about somrthing and she had told someone else and she had laughed about it. What i meant was some SA that had happened when i was 9. H was down because of what happened outside tutor and she wanted to tell steph about the SA so maybe she would understand. H told me she'd wanted to cry when we were outside tutor that afternoon.
That night, i got a text from H telling me to get a note for PE the next day because she wasn't going to school, but because of whayt had happened that day, i didnt particulary want to go either. H didn't come back to school till the beginning of yeare 10 (about 6 months later).


Feelings relating to this: I suppose if i wanna move on i've gotta talk about the feelings too The fact that H didn't come to school after it happened... i was very, very angry. Still am kind of. But on the other hand, i feel kind of guilty, because that was what triggered her depression to make school unbareable. However, i know its not my fault because something was almost definately going to be a trigger, so it just happened earlier than it would have anyways. that doesnt make much sense, but never mindy

When i think about this particular incident, it makes me feel kind of stupid, because everyone was there watching and no one stopped, so im kind of angry at that aswell, but also ashamed because a lot of people saw it happen.

ugh i will finish this later

[Spidey]

I was bullied a lot at school. And very badly.

I don't talk about it any more because it's the past. I've forgiven them for what they have done and pretty much yes - kids are dumb, and they will be kids and sometimes bullying results from just the normal social pecking order, or because they don't understand.

While it is a bummer and it has left me with some gaping self-confidence issues, I've considered myself pretty much "moved on" from those incidences. My future - and my confidence and emotional well-being - are completely up to me and I'll be damned if I let a bunch of people whom I haven't seen in almost decades now ruin it for me.

I hope you come to some sort of internal peace.

[little pixie dust]

Bullying sucks.

Good thread.

I was/sometimes still get bullied and its really hard to talk about.

[marshmallowfluff]

ooh i never did get round to finishing that off.

thank you for your input, siyren, pixie & snow.



okay, i have been thinking about this for a while now. I dont remember stuff really, its just like snapshots, i guess. soo..

oh there so much i want to write about right now. dont mind my typing, im a bit drunk.


firstly: there was a girl in my health and social care class. she could never decide how she was gonna treat me. Sometimes in elssons she'd sit & chat to me and in other lessons she'd totally ignore me.

in this particular incident, i was walking down the drive at school with my friend A and the girl from my class was there. her friend pushed her into me, and that was the start of it. thats what happened all the way down the drive. I stopped to "get something outta my bag" but they waited for me. A's sister was there too and i asked her to tell them to stop it, because she was older than me and the girl was more likely to listen to her. then my little sis came and joined us and i was SO ashamed because she was there and she was seeing it happen and stuff. but anyways, the girl was shouting things at me and i remember her saying "dont givem e the fucking dog eye or i'#ll knock your fucking head off" ooh such a pleasant child. i crossed the road, but her and her friend followed me. when she saw our hwad of year (she was always in a lot of trouble with him) she stopped, but carried on shouting sporadic insults. thats all i remember, really.

[marshmallowfluff]

havent written here for a bit, have i?

Ever since i started dragging the past back up i havent been feeling to great. I mean, some people can remember stuff and they can cope with it, they can get over it, and they can move on. Im struggling with the "getting over it and moving on part". I guess really, i should see it as a new starting point, and i suppose in a way i *do*. I've been there and it happened and i *have* to move on and i have no choice about it, because i dont particularly want to be stuck in the past forever.

Starting to deal with this is a really big deal for me. I know some people might think "she was bullied, so bloody what. Get over it!" but its not that easy i'm afraid. Any kind of abuse can effect someone in a MASSIVE way, even if they only get called a certain name once, or if they only get hit once. No matter what happens or when/where it happens, it can still effect someone.

Being bullied played a big part in the reason as to why i started SIing in the first place, and because i'm trying to *stop* SI, i think i need to deal with one of the main roots of the problem first. On the 2nd November, I have an appointment with a counsellor, who i'm hoping i'll be able to talk to about what happened without feeling like a complete tit. So hopefully that will help me move forward

I've let them run my life for long enough now. It;s about time *i* take control.

[MusicalMorphine]

I was bullied when I was very young, yr 1 ish I guess. I remember there were a few girls who would make other kids do things, I mean horrible wrong things. I don't want to say it here but now I can see how disgusting it was.
Then they started picking on me a bit more. I remember trying to stay with people in the playground, but I couldn't be with people forever. I don't remember that much just little things like I remember when they had me in the corridor, both of them were holding onto my arms so I couldn't get away, a teacher walked past and asked if everything was okay, they replied "yes, she's our friend" or something like that. All I wanted was for them to go, and eventually they both left the school.

In secondary school, I was never bullied really badly, just little things for wearing the wrong clothing, stupid things like that. There's people in my school who like to pick on anyone that they think they can, unfortuntely, being quite shy and quiet in school made me and easy target I guess. Just things like pushing you as they walked past, not letting you through in the corridor ( I remember standing up for myself in that one, got slammed into a door, but I got past).

I don't really have any advice because I never told anyone for fear it would only make it worse. Teachers didn't really do anything anyway back then. I don't know, I guess it is best to tell someone. I just never did.

[little pixie dust]

ahh...i had a really crappy day with bullies today

why am i so weak and let it get to me so badly..

[Spidey]

ahh...i had a really crappy day with bullies today

why am i so weak and let it get to me so badly..

remember:

they are not important.

they do not come home with you at night. they are not related to you. they are not your friends, cook your meals, pay your bills. all they are are people you just so happen to see every day. on the end of things, their importance is minimal.

do not give them any more power than what they are worth: and remember - they don't live with you, do any of the things i said above. they're not worth the time and energy expended on feeling bad. fuck 'em.

[marshmallowfluff]

ahh...i had a really crappy day with bullies today

why am i so weak and let it get to me so badly..

"on the outside I may be hated, but on the inside I am loved"

[little pixie dust]

thanks for the replies.

i dunno..i feel kinda ill about going to school..i was over that feeling but i dunno i'm scared shitless...

[marshmallowfluff]

i've been working through the bullying issues with my counsellor. we spent a session talking about it and it hasn't eben brought up since, which im kind of glad about because it was really, really hard, and really shameful to talk about and tell her about what happened -- even when i was talking to her about it, i didnt tell her everything because of how scary it felt for me.
we talked about the general things, and the whole line of feels that come into play when talking, or even just thinking, about what happened at school.
i know when i *do* think about it, it doesnt seem like big deal anymore. its more like... "this happened... get used to it. why the fuck aren't i over it?" and its kind of hard to shift that attitude after all... it is all in the past. i cant change it, so i have to get used to it.

[friarygirl]

I was bullied for 12+ years. All my school life - and the only things I ever did wrong were be fatter than normal, be smarter than normal, and be from a "nicer" (in terms of material goods) home than normal.

Anyone who's ever been bullied has my love and sympathy. Both my kids were, too. I don't know how you can ever make it better, because being bullied attacks your self-esteem at the very basic levels, but there has to be a way. Apart from anything else, the bullies have to be lacking sooooo very much, or else why would they need to cope themselves by making others feel like shit?

I dunno. I'm going to do a counselling course for Childline soon, and I hope I'll finally get some answers there. If I do, you can be sure I'll share, because one thing nobody ever, ever deserves, is to be bullied. Just try to believe what YOU believe about yourself, not what the bullies said.

Sarah

[Arcadia]

Siyren: how odd, the exact same thing happened to me. I am kind of over being bullied at school but i'm vulnerable to it now cos i don't know how to deal with bullies and i tend to just clam up and fold inwards. and i find it harder to trust people, or let them in. Cos when i do, and i let my guard down, they hurt me.

[xafier]

I was bullied from about 8 - 16 severly, in that period of time I've been stabbed with several instruments (thankfully never with a proper knife), i've had my hair set of fire, i've been beaten to a pulp, hit with various objects like bats, blocks of wood... i've been stoned (ie stones repeatidly thrown at me)...

junior school wasn't too bad, that was mostly name calling and a little beating up, secondary school was terrible though... its where all my depression and confidence problems came from...

the main reason I was bullied was because I have ginger hair, although some of it came from me being rather intelligent compared with the majority of people that went to my school because it wasn't exactly known for spitting out high grades due to the area I lived in...

being bullied was mostly what started me down the slippery slope of depression and self harm, well that coupled with trying to seek some sort of happiness by finding a girlfriend and constantly getting rejection or being played and stuff...

its 5 years since I finished school now, I've not self harmed for about 3 years now and I've managed to get over some of the problems that bullying caused... but I'm still prone to confidence problems and I have really annoying nervous disorders where I get easily scared and flinchy and minor panic attacks in crowded places... its really annoying when a friend goes to pat me on the back or something and i freak out and flinch cos part of me thinks back to when I randomly got punched by people

the only thing that makes me remotely happy about the bullying is the fact I know whats happened to most of the people that made my life really hell and its not that good, and in some ways it's made me a stronger person because I try my hardest to never give in to other people trying to put me down, I've worked really hard through all the crap I've recieved and I'm close to getting an excellent grade in my degree and I've already got a good job lined up

my heart goes out to anyone thats suffered bullying because its the worst thing in the world, and especially goes out to anyone thats still getting bullied, because I still get some stick for the reason I was bullied and its a little upsetting at times to be 21 and still have random people call me names for being ginger

[lotus]

this is sort of a synthesis of several posts to others about bullying, just to share some about my own experiences with it:

i was badly bullied, too, actually, for 6 years. to me, looking back, i really see it as a form of emotional rape and torture. those were some of the worst moments of my life, serious abuse that really affected my self-esteem and how i see myself/my identity. more recent trauma/ptsd research has actually explored being bullied as a possible factor in developing ptsd, just to illustrate the profound impact it can have. mean people suck.

i think that lots of people dismiss bullying as just something kids go through and have to eventually "get over." that's so invalidating! most people don't get the devastating impact it can have. like at that age peers are so important to kids in forming their ideas of who they are and how they see themselves in the world. and bullying just chips away at and demolishes any sense of self-esteem and feeling important and valuable as a human being. it erodes the sense of safety and trust, breaks down confidence and strength, brings up all sorts of body image/appearance issues, and a million other things. i can totally understand having a breakdown because of bullying. it eventually led to me refusing to go back to school and getting tutored at home, and it was a major cause (along with genetics) of my first severe depression at 15 when i had to be hospitalized for being su and for si.

i put some links below to some sites that talk about bullying and trauma/PTSD (i.e. flasback-related stuff) just fyi and maybe to get some validation for your feelings!

http://www.successunlimited.co.uk/spiri ... ritual.htm
http://www.bullyonline.org/
http://suicideandmentalhealthassociatio ... sdsym.html
(this last one is the best. you have to scroll down a ways to find the parts on bullying, and then after that there's a link to part 2 of the article; if the link i have here doesn't work, just go to http://suicideandmentalhealthassociatio ... ional.org/ type "bullying ptsd" into their search engine and read the first few articles.)

it's been many years since then and the impact has lessened alot over time in that things aren't nearly as "fresh." but i am still affected by my experiences. like when i am walking past a group of people i don't know (especially kids) i sometimes expect to hear someone call me a name or shove me or something. i hate feeling so vulnerable. and sometimes when i look in the mirror, even though i've changed alot physically, i still see the *me* that got teased and abused. i've heard similar things from lots of other people.

it's also very different, though, now... i'm different. i cope with the impact by telling myself i am an adult and that i am strong and can defend myself against others. and if someone would say or do something now, i'd get pissed--i mean who really f***ing cares what they think? their behavior or opinion of me doesn't change who i am or make me what they think i am. i tell myself this alot. i also affirm my self-worth and that i am not defined by what what others have said or say about me. in fact, lots of the mean and self-critical voices i hear in my head are not really my own, but echoes of the things the bullies said or simply beliefs about myself that i adopted in response to what they said. so knowing that helps and can be very empowering and self-affirming. i wish i had been able to look at things from this perspective as a kid.

anyway, feel free to pm me if you ever wanna talk. take gentle care and best of luck with your efforts to face all of this in therapy. a brave thing to do imho!