I just have to tell someone. (Possible SI, sex and language)

[LexieK88]

Possible SI, sex and language. And sorry I might ramble a bit. Also sorry because I don't really know if this is the right place to put this.

I am really hurting. Wow it took a lot for me to admit that. I have messed up so much and I continue to do it. I have to confess something, well a couple of things, that no one IRL really knows. Everything in my life is falling apart right now. I feel like I am drowning. I can’t deal with this. As soon as I get one thing under control something else comes along. I just don’t know what to do. I’m scared and confused and so many other things right now. The worst part is I don’t know why I feel like this. I know some things that are adding to it. First, I made a big, big mistake with this guy. He was, well is, a friend. But I slept with him. I’m not even sure why. It was never about the sex for me. I liked the sex but that wasn’t really why I did it. I did it because I just like having him here. He provided me with some good company. Plus I like him, but only as a friend. I like having his attention and, obviously, if we were fooling around I had his attention. All along I knew that is was wrong. Finally I decided to do what I had to do and break it off. I’m glad I did and I am proud of myself for doing the right thing. But now I feel bad. I mean I feel guilty for what I did with him. I kind of miss him too I think. I told him I really wanted to still be friends and talk and even see each other but now I’m not so sure. I mean now every time I see him or talk to him I can’t stop crying. Well its not when I'm talking to him that's the problem, it’s right after. I don’t want to, but I think I’m going to have to cut him out of my life for a little while. I think it’s the only way I can get better at all. The only problem is, I know I will still have to see him at least twice a week or maybe more. Man if only I wouldn’t have made those stupid decisions.... Well going back and changing it is really not an option now so I just have to concentrate on moving on. Sorry to dwell on this for so long but it’s really bothering me.
Another thing that is bothering me is that everyone IRL has no idea what’s really going on. They all think my life is going just great but it’s not. It’s really all falling apart. EVERYTHING is so messed up!!!!!!!! I’m just trying to get my feet on solid ground but it’s getting harder and harder. Everywhere I turn it seems like something else is falling apart. People IRL have no idea because I smile in front of them but they don’t know that I go home and cry. I feel horrible right now. One of my major problems is self-hate. It’s always been something that I’ve struggled with and it’s only gotten worse. I stopped cutting about a year ago but then in January I slipped up twice. I cut again today and I think it was worse than ever. That scares me. I’ve thought about cutting my wrist. I wouldn’t do that thought so don’t worry about that. The weird thing is, cutting didn’t work this time.
Anyway, like I said, all this stuff is adding to the way I feel but I don’t think it’s really causing it. I don’t know what’s causing it. I don’t think there really is one thing in particular that is causing it. Maybe I am depressed again. I know that is a good possibility. I have many of the typical symptoms. Plus it runs in my family because my dad used to struggle with depression. Also, I felt like this last year, went on depression pills and felt a little better but then stopped and eventually started feeling the same way again. I don’t know.
I don’t really know why I posted all this on here. I just needed to tell someone. Thanks so much for reading this. I know it was long and I kind of babbled. You can respond if you want to, but you don’t have too. If you have any words of encouragement or something that would be great. I hope you don’t mind but I might come on here every once in a while to update and just talk about some of what’s going on. I really need someone to talk to who will listen and not judge me. I know I can find that on here. (Thanks for that! I love you guys!)

[beautiful_facade]

Hey

i just wanted to say i read i don't have any advice, or even really many words...but i hear you and i am sorry you are suffering.

Feel free to PM me any time.

angel

[pretty]

The weird thing is, cutting didn’t work this time.

I don't think it's weird at all. I don't think cutting is that effective as a way of feeling better a lot of the time. And if it didn't work this time, it sounds like the perfect opportunity to try something more positive to cope Have a read of this board for ideas, there are loads in the stickies.

I hope getting it all out helped a little.

[LexieK88]

Thanks for reading. Getting it out does help. Its nice just to know that someone else knows.
One thing that has been a big problem with the sexual stuff with the guy is that it caused me to loose all respect for myself and for him too. He used to be one of the people that I admired more than anyone else and now I've lost all respect for him. That stinks. If anyone else knew they would too. I still think he is OK. Well actually I'm not really sure what I think of him now. The biggest thing is, he is not single so when we were fooling around he was cheating. That is the part that really made me lose respect for him. There were other resons too but that is the main one. This hurts and thats just the way it will be for a while I guess. Oh well, it will get better. I'll be OK. I know I'm getting better because I saw him today for a couple minutes and didn't even really cry when he left! I didn't feel that bad either. That is an improvement.

[pretty]

I'm glad it's getting better. It'll keep getting better