Umm...Vent..?*SI**SA*

[silenced_by_the_pain]

Hey...

I don't wanna bother anybody..And I dont wanna trigger anyone..I just wanna vent..I'm not even sure why I am posting..I feel weird about it..but i dont know why...

Okay...Hi..My name is Chrissy..I turned 19 a few months ago..I am really confussed and scared and stuck in a black hole..I am just recently starting to "Have" to remember and deal with some really bad abuse issues..I don't like the flashbacks or the feelings..Or the guilt neither...

I have been a self injurer since the age of 9...I don't live at home..I live with a friend and her parents...Winter is here..Things suck and i just don't know how to cope with my feelings or my urges..I have never attempted to fight off an urge..I usually give in to them..I just don't know..I just wish i had someone who understood the way i feel..I feel so horrible and so helpless..I feel like i don't know who I am..Sometimes i feel like I can't control myself..I don't think I like anything about myself...

I don't even know if there is a point to this post...Anyone have any advice...? Thnks for listening..Take care....
Sorry for bothering you....



~Chrissy~

[strmdncr]

First off you're not bothering me, and I'm sure that others would agree. I think you have made a huge first step in just posting here in terms of finding people who will understand. Can you talk a bit more about what sorts of feelings your having problems coping with, if they have to do with si'ing, or if it's depression related etc? Take some time to look around bus, there's a lot of good information here, and a lot of good people. Take kind care of yourself

[silenced_by_the_pain]

Hey...

Thnx for responding..I didn't think that anyone would..
Okay well my feelings are very mixed up..But ill try to explain how I feel...Lately i feel lost and out of place and i feel like no one want me around..A few ppl have found a very personal secret..I don't want to say it cuz i don;t want anyone else here to judge me for it..But i lost alot of frends because of it..

I have alot of mized up feelings about myself..I can;t stand the way that i look act or talk..I don't think there is anything i like about myself...

About the SI ...I want/try to stop...But i can't..I feel like i need it..I don't know how else to feel...It makes everything else stop and go away for a moment...Depression is a very known thing to me..About a year and ahalf ago..I was admitted to a psych ward..They diagnosed me with severe depression, and bordeline personality disorder. They also tried to diagnose me with possible anorexia before i left...

I have been also having alot of bad nightmares..Sometimes i can recall them..Other time i can;t..Like for example last night I woke up at 2:35 and was really hot dizzy and sick..I felt sick to my stomach..Started crying for no reason and ran to the bathroom and got sick a few times..It confusses me..I am just recently starting to have to deal with my past..I don't like it....

I feel so lost and confussed and scared and alone..And i don't know..

*sighs*..I'm sorry....I'm us;ess

[silenced_by_the_pain]

*sighs*..


I guess no one's gonna reply...Why does everything have to be so hard.....

[strmdncr]

People will reply, it sometimes just takes a bit of time. I hear what you're saying about how the si'ing can make everything stop for a while, that's part of the reason behind my doing it. I don't think your useless, I think that you're just going through a hell of a lot and it's very confusing for you to try and figure out. Dealing with your past is a scary thing, especially if you are trying to do it all on your own. Is there anyone you talk with since you've been in the psych ward, a counsellor or your doctor or someone like that? Is it something that you would consider in order to help you through dealing with the past? Take kind care of you