Advice? Returning depression

[Brokenwings11]

Hello all~
It's been almost a year since I've been on this site, but I've never forgotten it; in fact, the only reason I quit is because my therapist though I might get depressed again by helping people.

Originally, I was depressed, self-destructive and suicidal in the time period of 2003-2004; I have undergone individual therapy, group therapy for a period of 3 months, and am taking both Prozac and seraquil. I was almost sent to the local adolescent hospital ward for severe cutting and attempted suicid3, but thankfully this never happened. I haven't cut for 10 months now, and still have no urge to; my scars have, thankfully, faded away in time. My friends, teachers and peers have been with me and supported me ever since, and I love them for it. My family too, has my thanks, although they are the cause of quite a bit of my pain. I thank God that my situation has improved and that I am the better for it.

And now, I turn to the Bus once more for help. While I don't want to SI or die anymore, recently my depression has been coming back; not all the time, but constant enough to cause concern between me and my therapist.

"Another thing that's eating on my mind...I'm concerned about my meeting with Kate...if this keeps up, maybe I SHOULD get a prozac upage...but I don't want to. And everyone today was so happy, that I couldn't tell anyone, since I was afraid I might annoy them because I was making them feel bad...I don't know what to think or do anymore...I am completely unsure of myself; nothing I can think of works...I mean, whenever someone is in trouble and I'M in a good mood, and then they come to me for help, I'm always willing to help them...but I'm different. I'm different from everyone else. I change. I don't forget how delicate some people truly are. But, I also don't know how other people really feel about me...I don't want to burden them with my troubles when they're really happy or sad...I just don't know anymore. Am I becoming an annoyance, and people don't realize it at first? Because that's how I feel...that, even though I'm trying now, my friends are slipping out of my fingers like sand. I mean, we still talk and everything...but more and more I just want to be alone...I just want to be able to talk to someone about everything and nothing. I want to get out of this depression, and sometimes I can, but...I'm so afraid that I'm slipping back down the hill...everything has turned to ice and glass, and I'm so scared I don't know what to do anymore...God, help me...I guess I should be grateful I'm not su1cidal or anything like that anymore...just...depressed, I guess. God, what's wrong with me?" <<<<<< private xanga entry

Please, everyone, I don't know what to do anymore...please help if you can and are willing to spend time advising me.

[KathyG]

You are describing my greatest fear.

Tell your doctor, the one who is prescribing for you. Tell your therapist too if its someone else (other than doctor). If you think you can trust your family, then tell someone there. Make sure someone understands.

Take care.

Kathy

[Aly]

I dont really have any suggestions, Im not doing so well with words today

But, I just wanted to let you know that I read and cared...

FOr a while I felt exactly like that, but my C helped me with that; so, talk to your T?!

Take Care of urself -- u deserve to

DirtyMagicalAly

[Brokenwings11]

TY KathyG and DirtyMagicalAly

For the past couple days I HAVE been feeling better, but this issue still l1ngers in the back of my mind, no matter what I do...I told my C about it, and she thinks i need to 'lighten up', and spend more time with my friends, even if they're doing something I don't praticurally want to do. To me, it almost sounds like I have to be something that isn't true to how I really feel; or am I just being silly?

[KathyG]

Sometimes I get too deep into my own head and could stand to "lighten up" some. I wonder if you are pulling away and "thinking" too much? Is this possibly what your c was suggesting? I often wonder if I bring on some of my own down times by pulling away and thinking too much. I need to let (as in allow) myself go and have fun.

Keep an eye on how you feel, but, try not to dwell on it. If you try to spend more time with friends doing fun things, but, you still don't feel right, then you can always tell your c.

Take care.

Kathy

[Brokenwings11]

Ty everyone. I think I should be okay for now...but there is one issue I'm not too sure about. Do I tell my friends that they're hurting me? or should I just go with this new 'method' of having fun and not tell them? Also, forgot to mention this last time, but it seems that while they can talk about stuff, I try to say something (i.e. I'm going to start taking violin lessons) and no one will really care or listen.