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um...so usually in therapy...i end up telling stories in my therapy sessions...of how my week has been...rarely there is time for doing any therapy work...sometimes there is...but like i said it's more story telling...i find that i need the therapy obviously...it does help to talk about my crappy life to someone who will listen with unbiased feedback and suggest i try this and that next time...but i don't know...
sometimes maybe i feel like i am using my therapist to see how far i can go until she dumps me...like maybe in my stories she will see how dangerous i am and just get rid of me...like the other therapists and psychiatrist and even a FREAKIN doctor have dumped me...i am more secure with her not dumping me...i've had her as a therapist for 4 years about now...and i remember the first 2-3 years i was constantly hostile and demanding if she was gonna dump me and doing a lot of testing, not really out of my choice, but threats to hurt or kill myself because i was scared if i trusted her the same pattern will happen, i would get dumped...i haven't asked her if she was going to dump be since 2004 i still feel sometimes she might....i don't know...this post was about story telling now it's about fear of my therapist dumping me....i thought i was pretty secure, i guess i am not that secure yet...there is still some fear, though not a lot...
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