Issues with parents, medication, relapse *SI, SM references*

[esaeler]

Let's see. I haven't been here in a while.

On July 26, 2005, my mother found out I was cutting. She freaked. She had me on the floor, pinned, and pulled my shorts to show my grandmother to the point where my grandmother was crying. I had stopped about a week prior because of the shape my legs were in and my current boyfriend had told me "I understand why you do it, but I really don't want you to. Please, at least try to stop, and call me if you have to again." and knowing I had his support helped me stop. She threatened to take me to the local mental hospital for a 72-hour evaluation and I begged not to. So, she agreed, on the agreement that I stop permanently and I see a therapist and take whatever medication that they prescribe, regardless of my opinions on it, and if she found any new cuts I would be admitted right away, no exceptions.

At the two month mark, I had still yet to see a therapist, and I had started taking Atavan that my mother stole from work for me. I hadn't cut.

That was last Monday.

That Wednesday, I stole a razor from the guy mentioned above (he is now my ex) and cut. A lot of times on my stomach, quite deep on my inner ankle, and on the top of each arm. And yet, I was still wanted more.

I told him. He comforted me.

But I still feel so horrible, so guilty about it. My mother has not found out and weirdly enough, the only cut not healed is the one on my leg. So, I got away with it.

But, knowing I got away with it, I'm scared I will do it again. And again. To the point where she does find out. She might have taken three years to find out about it, but she isn't that stupid. She's cautious now and checks my legs every two weeks, but only the upper thighs where she found the original signs of me cutting.

Does anyone have any ideas for me to stay strong and resist? I'm running out.

Thank you, and my heart is with you all. <3

[Priceless]

Maybe you should talk to youre mother and tell her that you cant go on without seeing a t, and that you need to see a psykiatrist for the medication, i dont know what she is trained to do, but its my first impression that she doesnt have the medical experience like a pdoc, and you need to tell her thaqt you need proffesionel help NOW, i hope i dont sound harsh.
i hope you figure things out.
take gentle care
pl

[esaeler]

She is an LPN, and she has a license to push pills.

She takes care of sick old people, and Atavan is what she dopes them up with, which is practically all she's doing to me.

I don't exactly need a therapist, per se, but she dosen't understand SI. She won't. She won't open her mind and just let me explain. I say one thing, and she goes "You're a stupid c**t, c******g yourself is just f***ing stupid, and you're just a stupid f***ing c**t for doing it."

I only want to see a therapist so maybe THEY can explain it to her.

The main reason why is mostly due to our lack of funds and my lack of health insurance. She applied for it today, actually, since I need glasses, dental work, mental health and physical health evaluations as well.

I just hope she doesn't make me go to an OB-GYN. I don't want her finding out I'm not a virgin anymore. *just trying to bring a brighter side *