Once agian back with *ED* (*ED* TRIG)

[broken_words]

I finally realized I fooled myself into thinking I got better, and wasn't anorexic anymore. I am ... still am, and i'm phychologically worse than ever. Tho physically i am "normal" (my counsoler told me i look "normal"....in MY world normal means fat!!!!), phychologically i am deep in it. Losing weight is one of the end factors of anorexia, and i'm hating that about now. But soon all of that will change...b/c i'm going on this little diet thingy, that i'm not going to state in case of other Ana's reading this, and i'll lose weight 3 times as fast...it's VERY unhealthy, but vitiman pills should keep my health up for a while. I'm so stuck in this rut that i'm kinda sick of trying to get help...b.c my counselor now told me it's okay not to eat when i'm depressed....that was the wrong thing to say...and she told me that i look normal....translation : i don't have to worry about you b/c your fat now, not skinny like you used to be. That is what i take it like...she thinks she's helping me....she helped me past the phyical part, but not past the mental part. I HATE BEING THIS WAY BUT IT'S THE ONLY WAY I KNOW HOW TO BE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I've been anorexic since i was in the 5th grade...it's all i've ever known. I know it's b.c of my family....and not eating is the only control i have over anything! I tried to *si* for a while, but it didn't feel really that natural...it depressed me more...when i look in the mirror and see i've lost weight...that makes me happy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Am I screwed up? Will someone help me? Give me some tips? ANYTHING!?!?!?!

[jenpov]

I totally understand what you are going through. You just want to take control of something in your life when everything seems just too overwhelming and hard to deal with all at once and people are just interfering. That's why I had my EDs. Ana and Bul. Therapy did help me alot, but your therapist sounds like my first one. Useless. My first one fell asleep when I was talking to her about starving and dropped my chart all over the floor. Never saw her again. I've been with the same therapist for over 3 years now. Sometimes when I go to her with something major, like "I threw up today" or "I started burning myself again" I look for a reaction from her. But she takes a very neutral point of view and I understand why I do it. The problem is trying to stop it or divert the feelings in my head into something less harmful to my body.
I have always hated my weight. I always looked at the scale and said "If I could only lose 10 lbs" over and over and over and over. But I realized that weight is just a number. You can be slender and beautiful no matter what the numbers say.
Instead of dieting, I joined Curves (after 2 babies, my body was needing something, and I didn't want to start the ED again, even though I don't eat much anyways). I was weighed and measured today after working out for a month and while I gained 4 lbs ("muscle weighs more than fat" blah blah blah I hate that one), I still lost inches, and that's what made me feel good. I lost 5 1/4 inches total. And I feel good about it, even with the extra pounds.
Finding something to do to help you like your body in a healthy way, instead of labeling something the dreaded D word "diet", helped me. I hope this helps you somehow. Believe me, it's hard. I'm still "insane" but I'm less "insane" than I was 4 years ago. At least about my body. But I totally know what you're going through and am thinking of you and hope you find something to let you be ok.

[NobodyToYou]

I understand some of your feelings...I have dealt with an ED before, although it isn't a big part of my life now. It sounds like you have gotten really triggered by things, particularly the therapist's reaction to you, and you have decided to embrace the ED again... However, I sense part of you really hates it, or you wouldn't be looking for help. Do you really want to go on this diet thing that you choose not to name? I find it interesting that you want to protect other people from it, but seem eager to start yourself...lots of contrasts. I guess EDs are like that, though.
I also noticed the contrast between your message that the ED give you control and your sig, which says that ED was taking control away from you. Remember that while losing weight does give you a moment or two of happiness, it doesn't really make you happy in the long run. It didn't before or you would not have stopped long enough to get healthy. It won't this time...in fact, you may find it makes you more and more miserable as your physical condition declines. What else makes you happier? What other areas of your life can you get some control?
I am happy this T was able to help you get physically healthy. I am glad the T is not overreacting...but I think it is not at all good that you feel your problems are being ignored. Do you want to keep working with this T or is it time to find a new one? If you want to work with this T, what can you do to let her know that this is a serious issue and you are really close to jumping back in to the ED pit?
Again, I am really sorry you are having to deal with this...I know it has to be really hard. But I want to encourage the part of you that really doesn't want to go back to the ED, because I sense that part is fighting hard right now.