Dealing with loved ones..again..*SI, SM, SU, SH, ED Refs*

[esaeler]

Okay...hello all, it's been a bit since my last post but I'm hoping everyone is doing well...or as well as well can get...remember, you are all in my heart.

I have a new boyfriend. I dumped the unsupportive threatenting one (see viewtopic.php?p=1485055#1485055 , you might have to scroll up) and now I'm with this new one. He doesn't approve, but he isn't threatening and is there to help cope with the aftermath. When we first started getting close I had just recently cut..a lot..in the course of two days. My legs looked a wreck. He came and comforted, and I love the fact that he cares enough to do that.

But lately there hasn't been a lot of paradise in the relationship, so to speak. He has been hanging out a lot with a friend of his, one of his "best friends", and I understand that, but there were previous feelings involved. He says they're just friends, but I don't trust HER. This is stressing me out and my anxiety kicks up every time her name is spoken. I've wanted to SI and SM so incredibly bad, but instead, I took up chain smoking again and I've started to not eat anymore. Some days it's on purpose, some days it's not, and I'm scared to develop an eating disorder, so I make myself eat sometimes, even if I want to puke afterwards. I try to talk to him about it, but the words never come out when I want them to, and it bugs me. I don't know how to get to him, because it seems there is this barrier he's put up for me and it's killing me to break that and see why. He's cut recently too, for the same reasons I usually make up; to "clear my head" or "relieve stress", even though I know my reasons are far beyond that. I don't know what to do with him, but everytime I want to cut I stop, think of him, and light up a cigarrette. The smoking bothers him too, because lately I've been developing the "smokers hack" and it made me very sick for a while, because I had a slight case of asthma as a child. But I don't care about that anymore, because he hasn't even bothered to say "Please stop." I wanted to cut so badly today, but I wasn't home, and I'd left my "utensils" at home. I used whatever I could find but it didn't work well. I did it right in front of him and he didn't notice.

I doubt how much he cares sometimes. And it kills me. I want to scream "WHAT AM I TO YOU??!?!" to him so badly sometimes, but I stay silent, bottling it all up until I return home, alone, and sit and curse at myself in the mirror for being so stupid and so ugly and such a horrible waste of a human life. I came very close to attempting SU a few nights ago but couldn't bring myself to do it..I need help. I'm so lost right now.

I'm sorry to put whoever read this through reading all of this, but I'm in need of all of your guidance that I always can get from you all. You guys on BUS are my family even if I've never talked to you outside of BUS. Thank you to anyone who reads this or leaves a comment, but I'm so clueless on what to do.

You are all ALWAYS in my heart. <3
I wish everyone well. <3

[jaded melody]

Hi, sorry things with your boyfriend are not going so well.

This is just my opinion, but i think you really need to talk to him about how you are feeling. After all, honesty is really really important in relationships and he can't reassure you or help you change the way you feel if you don't tell him.

Until then, is there a way you can find a way to cope that is healthier than smoking or not eating? Instead of punishing yourself for how you feel try to take care of yourself if you're anxious. I suffer from anxiety and lord knows ive smoked (and i have athsma by the way) and not eaten to try and get rid of it, but curling up in bed with a cup of tea is a much better way of making myself feel better, even if it doesnt work as fast, at least I know it's not hurting me.

But i really think that the best thing that you can do right now is tell your bf how you're feeling, keeping it all bottled up like that isn't good for you and it's not good for your relationship.

I hope things get sorted out,
take care.

Mel

[esaeler]

Mel:
Thank you for your advice..

I know there are more healthier ways to deal with my stress, but a part of me kinda uses the unhealthy methods as a punishment for letting the stress get to me in the first place and cause that anxiety. I used to be able to control my anxiety so well and lately I've lost that control dramatically, and I guess I'm punishing myself for that. I've always SH'd because of punishment and not neccesarily release. I'm going to try to be a bit less harsh on myself, because we did eventually talk a little bit (not about what was bothering me, I'm going to do that tomorrow) and he said he was concerned about my eating habits and how I might have low blood sugar and that could be why I am always tired and get dizzy spells..he also commented on the chain smoking, saying it's stupid of me to make myself sick and hack..I still need to talk further with it though, but thank you so much for commenting, I'll take that advice to heart.

You're always in my heart. <3
I wish you well. <3