Teenage hormones or something else

[Bathelina]

Teenage Hormones or something else?

I don’t know how to describe this. I’m just going to try my best.

- Feeling as if I have two personalities (that are extremely different)
- Feeling very strongly that I am torn between these personalities, and that there is one personality that I prefer over the other, and the 'real me' is 'hiding' behind this other personality; and that one personality dislikes the other.
- Having (or feeling like I have) no control over my emotions or moods, which leads to feeling like I have no control over my life.
- Feeling - or rather, beleiving - that these personalities have different responses and different actions.
- Feeling - well, beleiving - that here is a different person inside of me to the person that everyone else sees
- Feeling that I can't be who I want to be; and that I am holding myself back.
- Confusion about my life, goals, etc.
- Going through moods where I feel very depressed
- Going through moods where I feel very stressed
- Urges to self-injure which may result in hair-pulling [quite rare though]
- Having intense feelings of self-hate, etc; which I’ve had since I was actually quite young
- Not telling people how I feel, hiding behind another personality that I dislike.
- Holding myself back from doing things (eg cutting my hair/dying my hair) for fear that other people won't like it or I won't like it
- Feeling empty and tired/exhausted
- Feeling angry with myself
- Getting very angry over little things; sometimes I can suppress that anger but it’s very hard
- Dizzy spells
- Feeling like I eat too much (and would be happier if I were thinner) and hating the way I look
- Comparing myself to others, in a way that makes me think they are better than me.
- Mood swings
- Little or no self esteem
- Putting myself down
- Thinking I am ‘bad’ or ‘not as good’ as anyone else
- Feeling that I am useless and that my life is going nowhere
- Feeling that there is no point in living and sometimes getting overwhelmed but such intense feelings and feeling slightly suicidal.
- Having periods of time where I am really happy, and then periods of time when I am not and am feeling incredibly low. These alternate quite quickly; going from good to bad very fast: each mood lasting from either a couple of hours to a day or more
- Confusion of who I am and who I want to be
- Overeating
- Anxiety
- Feeling isolated and lost
- Not wanting to open up to anyone, but then sometimes wanting to
- Feeling that I am 'falling apart', so to speak; that each day is just as bad as the other and there is no point in making an effort to be 'happier'
- Sometimes just dismissing all these feelings and feeling totally normal
- Feeling that the image other people get of me is stupid and ugly and dumb, and believing it.
- Different moods getting triggered on and off by certain things (remarks from other people/music/etc)
- Having different opinions of people that alternate: e.g. Liking them, and then suddenly have them do something that triggers me to dislike them immensley.
- Hyperactive states (where I am just crazy and bouncing off the walls)
- Suddenly feeling that I am 'kidding myself' that there is nothing actually 'wrong' (or 'different) with me
- Just feeling like I don't fit in with people and that I am not good enough for them
- Generally pessimistic mood
- Optimism just disappearing quiclky: e.g. If I am getting ready to go out I will try hard to like myself and look nice, and then suddenly I will just want to get back into my pyjamas and mope around at home all day.
- Confusion over how I feel.

I’m just so confused…I’ve decided to sum up everything into one document and trying to understand… Sometimes I just feel so bad, and then I don’t, and then I feel stupid for being bad, and then just being happy, and then feeling like I have no friends. Feeling like I am empty, like there is something missing, feeling intensley confused about my life and who I am – but then going back to a normal state where everything makes sense; so this constant change of moods is a big problem for me. But then sometimes I forget all that and feel 'normal'. I just think the problem is that some of the time I *do* feel like all of the above.

I don’t even know how to describe it, I hope that all made sense. Maybe someone can help me understand why this is happening and what causes it? At the moment I am putting it all down to teenage hormones – but I do know that my mum suffered in a similar way when I was younger, and has been depressed most of her life, has self harmed etc… So maybe it’s hereditary? I really don’t know.

The thing is, I do feel and *beleive* that I am hiding behind someone else. I beleive it, and that's hard because I don't know who I am at all and just hate myself a lot of the time...
I don't beleive that I have been 'like this' all my life - I just think that all this was triggered about a year ago, when I just seemed to go downhill; even though I never 'liked' myself even when I was younger, and felt this way a lot between the ages of, I think, about 9 and/or over, I can't remember much before that, though not as intensley as now.

*Deep breath* Well...That took ages to all get out... I just hope it makes sense.

Hannah x

[NobodyToYou]

well...that was a lot for me to process...hope I can give a coherent reply. Some of the items sound pretty normal to me...being a teen is tough. But others sound like they may be a bit more than most people deal with...I hesitate to say that because I don't want you to feel like a freak or think there is something terribly wrong with you. But I do hear some things in the list taht make me think you are a bit more distressed than many teens are. There might be some link to your mom, whether genetic or behavioral, I can't really say. But if you are feeling all these things and it is as confusing as it seems to me, I woudl suggest you talk to a T. Do you have a school counselor? If so, they probably know a lot more than I do about what is normal for teens and what might be signs of extra distress. Even if there is nothing wrong, sometimes talking to someone can help clarify your own thoughts. So...that is my take on it...hope you get some other replies that help.

[Bathelina]

Thankyou for reading and replying, I really appreciate it

I do have the oppurtunity to talk to a psychologist about anxiety, and I have talked to him before; but I'm the sort of person that really can't open up very much, so it's hard to tell him everything, but I will try. He left the doctor's practive near me, so I only got three sessions with him and we then didn't hear from him for about three months. But now we've had a letter and I think I'm going to start seeing him somewhere else.

Thanks again for replying
Hannah x

[mallie]

Hi Hannah,

That sounds like a lot to deal with. A lot of it does sound like it could be typical teenagerish stuff, or it could be some kind of mood disorder (take this with a grain of salt, but it sounds to me a bit like something called cyclothymia, which is a bit like bipolar disorder but not so intense, and not as long lasting in each phase - a google search on that might find some info that seems to fit you). Either way the feelings are real and valid and need addressing. It sounds intense and exhausting. I know when I've had rapid mood swings that it leaves me feeling pretty wiped out.

When you speak to this psychologist, is it only anxiety you can talk about, or could you bring up this other stuff too ? Getting the opinion of a professional could be really valuable. Dealing with the anxiety could help a lot of the other things you've mentioned too, but they're worth bringing up on their own. Perhaps printing out your post and taking it could be useful ?

The stuff you wrote first, about feeling that you have two very different personalities is something I wanted to comment on just a little. Everyone has different aspects to who they are, that they'll show sometimes or hide at other times. It sounds to me as though the part of you that you like is pretty hidden away. It can be hard to reveal that part of you, because to open it up to the deeper parts of you, you're then vulnerable. If someone else criticised the 'real you' that would hurt a lot more than if they did it to the outer shell. Hiding parts of you can help protect you, but it makes it harder to get close to people, and to feel okay about who and how you are. Am I getting close to how things feel for you? Is there anyone who you feel safe enough with that you can be the real you ? If there isn't anyone you are like that with now, is there anyone who you think might be safe enough ?

- Mallie.

[Bathelina]

Hi mallie

Your reply was very very helpful - thanks!!
I think I've herad of cyclothymia before; I read about it on the internet and it seems to make sense to me.

Generally I just talk to the psychologist about anxiety--I've been to scared to bring up anything else... Mainly because of my parents and that I just don't feel like opening up to him, I feel so nervous when I go to see him. I was thinking of printing out the page and showing it to him, and then maybe saying that there's a lot of other stuff causing the 'anxiety' that makes me hold myself back from great oppurtunities (because I didn't tell him much and I think he could sort of tell that I was hding something, so that made it hard for anything I said to make sense to him, and I know he could tell).

Everything you said about the 'shell personality', I can relate to. Hiding deep parts of me so that I can never really be that close to anyone; that made sense.
There are some that see the "real me" (or what I think is me, I honestly don't know)--mainly my family, sometimes (I don't really spend much time with them though) and one or two very close friends.

I just feel so confused; it seems that at some point last year I just went downhill--but then again I recall times before that when I felt empty and not myself, when I was younger; and I really can't be certain of when this 'started', but I'm guessing that something that happened to me must have triggered something in my mind that started this.

I really appreciate your reply, you've been really helpful
Love and hugs,
Hannah x

[mallie]

Generally I just talk to the psychologist about anxiety--I've been to scared to bring up anything else... Mainly because of my parents and that I just don't feel like opening up to him, I feel so nervous when I go to see him.

Why because of your parents ? Your psychologist shouldn't have to report to them or anything, it should be pretty confidential. Nervousness talking to people like that makes sense. It does take time getting used to talking to someone about what is going on inside you. As an example, I've been seeing my T for 4 years now, and I'm still nervous and reluctant to talk about some things, even though most things are okay.

Taking the page, and starting to talk about other things is a good idea. Let us know how it goes

There are some that see the "real me" (or what I think is me, I honestly don't know)--mainly my family, sometimes (I don't really spend much time with them though) and one or two very close friends.

Do you feel safe with them? Is there anyone else you think you could start showing the "real you" to ?

I can relate a lot to what you say about recalling feeling this way before, and not knowing when things started. Its hard to know that you feel something, but be unable to work out why. With things going downhill last year, can you work out a trigger for that even if not for something in the beginning ?

One other thing, are you able to write pro/con lists about things? and look at whether some of your thoughts (e.g. about thinking other people are better than you, or feeling useles) actually make sense given the facts. There was a great post about this in Soucebook (look here) about defeating automatic thoughts. Might be worth a look

[Bathelina]

Hey again

I don't have any more planned sessions with my psychologist yet--we had a letter a couple of days ago, summarising everything I'd told him, and asking what I'd like to do next. My options are to wait ages for another psychologist or to go and see him at his new practice. I don't think I want to wait; we haven't replied yet but I think my mum knows that I want to see him again (but somehow I don't...It's just always something I dread ). But when I do next see him, I will definitely think about printing off the sheet and showing it to him.

I'm not *always* comfortable with these people--in fact, sometimes I feel like I have to live up to them, be someone different that they'll like (which makes me feel even worse ). But that doesn't happen with my sister and brother. Mainly just friends. I suppose I am comfortable with Livy...I have to other "close" friends; Debby, and Saffy, but when I am with them I feel like I'm not good enough... I can't really explain--but just a feeling that I don't fit in, and I have *never* understood why either of them like me

Thanks so much for the link, aswell--it's very useful, I think I'm going to print it off and try it