the story of a relationship.. *all trigs*

[PoorSlain Doll]

im going to apolagize in advance coz this is going to be a really long post but i just need to vent this all and get it off my chest. i hope to god it'll all make it feel more real because at the moment ive gone back to the place where everythigns just a dream, a film happening around me that i cant controll. i hate it here. and now ive got no one to help me. why did you leave me jon? im so sorry i brought you down. if id have known i could have tried to stop it affecting you. i didnt know it was doing this to you baby. im so sorry!

over 18 months ago now i met jon. he was wonderfull, everything i'd ever dreamed of. my knight in shining armour. i was only 15 and he was 5 years older than me so natturally i thought he was just after sex but at that point in my life i was on a destructive downward spiral. fucking up at school, self harming everyday. on anti depressants, delusional, paraniod. the works. so i really didnt care. i gave myself to him knowing that he could well be the one that broke me. - but he didnt.

i guess the first time i realised that our relationship wasnt all just drugs sex and rock and roll/trance (and trust me, there was alot of all three throughout our relationship) was when i fell pregnant just a month into our realtionship. i was so scared. pregnant at 15! was i going to become one of those teenage single mums who threw their lives away because of one creless night. i was so affraid about telling jon. i was sure he would leave me. but finally one of my friends broke the news to him. and he was so lovely. he asked me what i wanted to do and i knew that there was no way that i could keep it. i had my whole life planned out ad a baby didnt feature untill i was at least 22. so he arranged the termination for me. he took me up there and sat with me till i went in to have it cut out of me. i never thought id ever reget getting rid of it. but its just something i cant forgive myself for. it wasnt untill a week after the termination that i found out that jon had wanted to keep the baby and that hed spent the 2 hours that i was having hes baby killied crying down the phone to a friend.

i had never belived in love. i always thought it was meaningless and didnt exist. i never used the word till i met jon. id been batteling with depression for 2 and a half years when i met him and no one had been able to help me. i just got steadily and steadily worse. but jon listed to everything i had to say. hed care for me when i was sad. hed help me when i was in troubble. hed always be there if i needed him.

it wasnt long before i fell utterly and tottaly head over hills in love with him. he helped me with every problem i had within about 6 months id almost completely stopped self harming. around the same time i started eating more propprely. he helped me to learn how to love my self, but then again, how could i not. he made me feel so special everyday. he told me how beautiful i was and how much he valued me. we had some amazing times together. the first valentines day we shared was like something out of a film. we were so in love. he was constantly showering me with gifts. and the drugs, oh my god! THE DRUGS!! we used to spend everyfriday night round his house just taking e and having sex and taliking all night. sometimes we didnt even sleep untill the sun came up. they were the happyest days of my life.

but then one day something really bad happened. jon lost his well payed job, just before we were due to go on holiday together to corfu. we still went and had a really nice time but after that nothing was ever quite the same. he wasnt quite the same. he was distant and quiet. he wouldnt touch me, i didnt feel like he loved me. i found out later that hed had been sleeping with my best friend for about three weeks. i was heartbroken. i think i knew in my heart of hearts that there was something going on but i put it down to my old paranoia returning. i never dreamed hed do that to me.

but still, we worked though it and we stayed together, rightly or wrongly so. and things seemed kind of ok. my paranoia was crazy as ever and i found it hard to trust him but things were ok, besides, it takes time to forgive someone for doing something like that, right? he proposed to me after we'd been togather 13 months but we broke it off after just 2 months because we both thought it was too soon. the last months of our relationship were full of ups and downs. we, as always had some amzing times togather, almost like the beginning, but i could tell that something wasnt quite right. he wasnt happy. we kept splitting up, only to get back together after a few hours.

the final straw came last sunday. hed been getting these calls and text that he was so sectretive about, so when he was out of the room i went through his phone and questioned him about them, i found out that hed been talking to the girl that he cheeted on me with. he said he didnt want to be with someone that didnt respect his privacy and in all honesty i couldnt deal with the paranoia any longer. he had always been a compulsive lyer.

that was almost two weeks ago now, but it seems like a lifetime. were still kinda freinds but it seems as though this girl he cheeted on me with (georgie) is taking over my life. it would seem that they are best friends (and fuck buddies) now. but he wont go out with her! hes taking so many drugs, drinking so much too and im so worried about him. he told me hes not sleeping well and i can tell hes not happy.

i think hes depressed. hes said so many things to me that have just suddenly clicked into place. hes trying to run away from all the bad shit, or "cut it out" in his words. im just so scared hes going to self destruct. i wouldnt care about the fact that hes sleeping around with anyone and everyone or that hes taking shed loads of drugs just as long as he was atchully happy. but he's not. thats all i want for him. itsnt that all you can ever want for someone that youve loved? but how do i talk to him about it, without seeming that im nagging or being the jealous ex? this taring me aprt, i love him so much but the absence of him in my life is leving with no feeling.

i cant deal with a relationship with him at the moment, it really would destroy me now i just want to help him like he helped me. we were best freinds once as well as lovers. but he wont aknowlage it, i know he wont and in the mean time im falling apart too. is this how it ends...?

[mallie]

I wish I had something useful to offer you, other than just hearing/reading what you're saying.

The thing with other people, is that no matter how much you want to help, and what you can offer them, they have to be willing to accept your help and support. It sounds as though he isn't willing to accept that from you now. It might be too close to your breakup for him to accept help from you personally, or he might not be willing to have it from anyone now, because he doesn't think there is a problem. Other than offering him help, and being available to him, there is not much else you can do.


What do you think you need for yourself ? To help you stop feeling you're falling apart ? It does take time to get over any relationship.

[PoorSlain Doll]

wow! someone atchully bothered to read all that. thanks! hes not answering any calls or replying to any texts from me. i dont know, perhaps im just kidding myself that he still needs me in some way or another. i just find it so hard to believe that this is it after all we once had. the one person to stop my self harm and deppression has he pushed me back there? mayby i need him more than he needs me, and THATS the story of our relationship!!

[angelwithapintglass]

i wanted to let you know that i'd read.
i dont know what to say, this is such a difficult and fragile subject. email me if you need someone..

x

[mallie]

I think its pretty hard to sum up a relationship in a few words such as "I need him more than he needed me". People get different things out of relationships, and what they need can vary a lot.

I remember with a guy I was good friends with, we had a few issues, and after that I really needed to talk about it and get reassurance from him, but his way of dealing was to withdraw into himself. I felt rejected, and as though our relationship was more important to me than him, and I didn't matter to him at all, but it was just that he needed to deal with what had happened in a different way to me.

If you were such close friends before your relationship, and you still think you can be friends now, don't give up on him, but try and give him some space. Let him know you're there for him, but don't pressure him to talk to you until he's ready. In the meantime, you should really concentrate on looking after yourself, and dealing with your own feelings.

One thing in your post stood out to me as a little. You said "the one person to stop my self harm and deppression has he pushed me back there". Although the breakup could make your mood sink back into a depression, self harm is a choice you make, and you can't put the responsibility of that onto someone else, no matter how painfully sad they've made you feel. Self harm is not inevitable with depression, and you can stay away from that, even without this person in your life. No matter how much support someone gives/gave you, you still managed to give it up before, and that strength is still in you. You'll get through.

- Mallie.

[PoorSlain Doll]

i found out the other day that he's still in love with me, so perhaps thats why he's being so strange. i told him yesterday that he needs to slow down and that he's destroying all the friendships that he's built up but he doesn't seem to care. i'm going round his tonight to see him. i hope he feels like he can talk to me. mallie- i know it's not his fault i cut. i don't even know why i wrote that. i guess i was just resentfull that he's dropped me like he has. angelwithapintglass - (nice name ) thanjs for reading. i really wasn't expecting anyone to read it at all. i guess it was just me letting off steam. but it's nice to know that there re people who care enough, or are *that* bored to read an essay as long as this! thankk you. it means a lot!

[Suze]

Just wanted you to know that I read and I care.

I also want to recommend:
http://www.afterabortion.com/

I had no qualms about my abortion beforehand but afterwards was devestated. That website has really helped me - it's completely non-judgmental and non-political, and has a message board where you can talk to other women who also took their abortions badly. Please check it out. It could really help you to come to terms with your decision.

[PoorSlain Doll]

thankyou suze. ive been to the websight. its proving to be quite helpful. it's still something that ive not quite come to turms with yet. it's nice to know that your not alone sometimes. thank you. sarah x

[SheShe27]

I wanted you to know that I read your post and although it seems that you are going through a lot you are being a very strong person.. your relationship and break up has been a lot to handle.....

I wanted you to know that I have been where you are rite now.. although I didnt terminate my pregnancy... my daughter we born too early and didnt survive.. I still felt great loss and a lot of pain...

I wanted you to know that I am here to support you and I offer lots of hugs if you want them..

[falling...]

Just to let you know i read and i care

*hugs* (if wanted)
_________________
save my home

[PoorSlain Doll]

thank you sheshe27, that must have been a really tough time for you. do you ever wonder what if and how things may have been diffrent? i do. but then i learnt that you cant spend your life living on possibilities. i wish i was as strong as you say, i must not be showing just how much all this is affcting me. he told me he loved me last week and that he wanted to get back together with me but he realised that there were things that he needed to controll and change before we got back together because he didnt want to hurt me anymore. i agreed to take it slow allowing him to take me out for dinner etc. it was going fine untill sunday when i had a really bad day, needing some reasurance and comfort that i was a good person and things were going to be ok. he was busy, being the needy, self absourbed person i am i fucked up, went missing for two hours and ended uyp at his house where he told me that although he loves me he cant be with someone who carries with them all the baggage that i do and that he cant deal with my "episodes". cant he just make up his mind? or is he too weak at the moment to have to try and support me too?

today is the first day in two weeks tha ive not spent stoned from the moment i woke up. ive found this so much harder to deal with than i thought i would.

falling... thankyou. and yes, hugs are always apreciated.

much love sarah x

[kurdt_kobain]

I read the whole thing. I can't offer anything.

My boyfriend is a complusive liar too, though. If that means anything.

[PoorSlain Doll]

thank you for reading, it means a lot. i know how difficult it can be beinng with someone who lies all the time, so my heart goes out to you. take care! x

[*Stella*]

Hi. I just wanted to let you know that I read. It seems like your life is very confusing for you right now. I just want to say that I hope things become clearer for you, and that everything works out okay with your friend. It kind of sounds like he's not ready or willing to be who you need him to be to you right now. I once was with a guy who kept going back and forth with what he wanted/how he felt about me and I know how hard that is. I went along for the ride and ended up with my heart broken. I don't know what I'm trying to say. Just try to watch out for yourself okay? Maybe you could take a little break from being around him/talking to him, etc. and think about whether he can really offer you what you deserve. I wish I had done that. But then again I also know that other people's advice was pretty meaningless at the time. Love sucks! It sounds like he's being kind of selfish right now and playing with your emotions a little, even if unintentionally. I might be out of line, if I am I'm sorry.

[PoorSlain Doll]

...

[*Stella*]

Hey PoorSlain Doll. That's great that you're thinking of yourself and your feelings. It takes a strong person to do that in a situation like that. Keep it up!
Sounds like he has to sort out some stuff before you could be in a good relationship with each other. I hope things are going ok for you.