How do I not blame others?

[dreams]

One of the behaviours I have identified that I need to change is that when something goes wrong - I get very angry and blame anyone other than me for causing it.

An example of this is that I went camping earlier in the week. When we (my boyfriend and I) were putting the camping stuff away my mobile accidentally got put 'away' too. When I discovered my mobile was missing (I won't tell you the angry thoughts that were running through my head - but needless to say it was entirely his fault that I would never have my phone again etc.) We eventually found the phone and for the first time in my life I kept those thoughts inside me rather than saying them, but how do I stop thinking these horrible things?

Why is it my automatic response to blame someone else when something isn't perfect? Why do I need to blame anyone - bad things happen sometimes for no reason don't they?

I think I made the first step earlier in the week when I thought all the bad horrible things I normally say but didn't actually say them because I was able to reason with myself that blaming my boyfriend would only upset him and wouldn't bring my mobile back again and that it probably wasn't his fault anyway. But I had to fight REALLY hard not to say them.

Does anybody know of any tips to change predefined thought processes like this? How do I go about it? I want to change this behaviour. I don't want to drive my boyfriend or anyone else away by acting this way anymore. I just don't know how.

Any tips/info/websites/personal stories gratefully received.

dreams

[ladymorgaine]

Well, I found this website which I thought was interesting....

http://www.couns.msu.edu/self-help/blame.htm

[fire.bird]

first of all, dreams, i wanted to say that i think it's laudable of you to be a) recognizing this behavior in yourself, and b)wanting, and actively trying, to stop it. a lot of people who tend to blame others for problems just ... don't ever realize it, or recognize what they're doing. i mean, a lot of them. and i think it's really fantastic that you do, and realize that you'd prefer to think differently.

in terms of tricks to change how you're thinking ... i'm just musing, really, but i wonder if you could use some of the same tricks that we've talked about in this forum before for stopping negative self-talk? i'm thinking of this thread, as a recent example, and also one of deb's threads on DBT and learning to recognize and distinguish thoughts from feelings from events from reactions, etc., in the sourcebook ... i'll go look for that one. i think it's called something like "learning to recognize what you're feeling."

more on this one monday, 'cause i'm running out the door, but i just wanted to say good for you.




~b

[Suze]

I'm sorry, I don't have any advice. I just wanted to congratulate you on trying to improve yourself for the better! I've had close relationships with people who take out their anger on me, and it really hurts and upsets me. It would have made a world of difference if they'd admitted they had a problem, that they knew it wasn't my fault when things go wrong but couldn't help lashing out. So if you find it difficult to change you behaviour, apologising afterwards might make it easier on the people who you get angry at.

[Sioneld]

I would like to join those applauding you for recognising this tendency in yourself. I can't say I know how to fix it, but would like to caution you against going the other direction and always, like myself, blaming yourself for everything regardless of how realistic that may be.

Perhaps you could start by taking each event as it comes and dissecting it backwards and try to recognise where the blame *does* lie. Is it b/f fault? Is it your fault? Is it no-one's fault? Is it the fault of the kid down the street who happened to ride his bike past at just the wrong moment? Learning to identify where the 'blame' really does lie may be a start. I think blame is an overly negative term though. Perhaps 'responsibility' although blame & responsibility aren't necessarily the same thing.

*shrug* Don't know that was helpful, just really wanted to point out the danger of flipping the other way entirely.

[dreams]

Thank you guys,

I have been looking into the ideas of blame and responsibility a bit - and written out a list of questions to try to ask myself prior to blaming anyone for anything (just have to see if i remember in the spur of the moment)

I also went to see my therapist yesturday. We have agreed to start some CBT with regards to this. He says that the first step is to recognise when i am having these thoughts what is actually going on in my mind. I have a little sheet to fill in with a column for the event (as in description of what happened), a column for emotion (such as angry, annoyed, upset etc) and a column for the actual thought going through my head (like "now i won't be able to.....")

Will see how it goes. I have tried looking for that thread in the sourcebook fire.bird and i think i remember the one too but i can't seem to find it. If you do get any luck it would be great if you could either post it here or PM me with it as i would be interested to read it again.

dreams

[fire.bird]

hah! [url=http://www.buslist.org/phpBB/viewtopic.php?t=6769]found it![/quote]

go to the Sourcebook Contents Page, which is the first Announcement in Sourcebook, right at the top, and look under "Self Therapy Techniques", then "not being able to name your emotions" -- that's it. Deb posted a whole DBT worksheet relating emotions to thoughts to instigating events, etc., in response.

good job talking to your therapist about it. i'd be interested to hear how DBT goes for you, in a little while.


~b

[Karuna33]

I think you made the first step by noticing your feelings. the other thing about feelings is they change, so you ma have felt very angry, and later found it dissapted.

I wonder if just venting on paper would allow some of it to dissappear, then you haven't hurt anyone, but the feeling are out/
The other thing that comes to mind is that under blame is sometimes a feeling of helplessness, not being incontrol, and the anger is more about that

K