Daily fears

[Semiramis]

Hello there,
I don't really know where to post this, but I decided to put it here.
Yesterday I had a therapy session. I didn't tell my t everything that I intened to (it was too embarrassing) but quite a lot about pot and my relationship to men.
She gave me good advise and proposed things I could do next time when I feel like cutting, drinking or doing such things. She said that I should approach things in a more neutral way.
I realised that my t can't really help me. I mean, what more can she do for me than giving me advise how to do it better? What can she do if I am not even willing to change anything? Nothing. I have to be willing to help myself. And therefore I decided to try that out this week:
I don't want to cut.
I want to do some exercise (If I want to) no matter how fat I feel.
I don't want to be afraid of things which I don't need to be afraid of (eg. an exam, a driving lesson or future things like that).
I don't want to play myself down and beat myself up, I want to try to accept myself just as I am.
I want to try to be positive and not pessimistic, self-pittying and depressed
I don't want to think of suicide as an opportunity anymore

And I tried - and already I failed. I know, it's not possible to change all these things overnight! But I really tried my best and I was too scared to cary on. I mean, everything scares me - a driving lesson, an entrainment - everything!
And every duty I have to do is like a big burden which has to be done as soon as possible - also if it is only playing the flute (which usually should be fun, and it is sometimes).
I don't know if you get what I mean, but why should I even try? I don't think I will ever get there. Having positive thoughts and expect future things to go well just scares me so much! I tried to clear my head of such fearful and negative thoughts but I just don't get there.
I feel far too well in the place I used to be/am. There I can numb myself with food, drinking and pot, I can hate and hurt myself and self-pitty as much as I want to. And I won't be deceived of anything because I expect the worst of everything. I feel pain and I am not happy or joyful, but it's better than constantly being afraid. I don't have to think about the future, if it turns out bad there's the oportunity of ending it all.

I think I have always been afraid, and there has always been a constant fear inside me, to be not good enough, to be hurt, to not be able to make it. I mean if this has always been there, how can it ever disappear? Or is it normal to be constantly afraid? If it is, I don't get how other people manage to live their lives.
I guess I can't live my whole life with negative thoughts, SI, drinking and all these things to be able to sustain all that.

Do You have any advise, any idea or any comment? Thank you for reading!

[nirvana]

hey there. i have some thoughts, if you don't mind.

I didn't tell my t everything that I intened to (it was too embarrassing) but quite a lot about pot and my relationship to men.

why was it embarrassing? would it have embarrassed you, or her? or were you afraid? it might help next time to write things down on paper before your session. if you do that, you can review the paper before you go in, and decide if you're positive you want your t to know. that could take some of the stress off having to form comprehensive thoughts (i suck at that), and say them. you could give the t the letter, or read it, whichever you're more comfortable with.

What can she do if I am not even willing to change anything? Nothing. I have to be willing to help myself.

i am very proud of you for realizing this. *gentle hugs if okay* that's a huge accomplishment, and a big decision to make. writing down your goals and reasons for them, like you did, is a great way to remind yourself of them later on, when you're feeling triggered.

And I tried - and already I failed. I know, it's not possible to change all these things overnight! But I really tried my best and I was too scared to cary on. I mean, everything scares me - a driving lesson, an entrainment - everything!

if you're scared, try taking smaller steps. small accomplishments are worthy of compliments. so next time you even attempt one of your goals, congratulate yourself on that. and next time you try to distract yourself instead of giving into urges, be proud of yourself for realizing what a strong person you are. like you said, you can't change overnight. and you're probably used to reacting certain ways, out of self-protective instinct. but eventually, you'll find other alternatives. just take your time finding what works.

I think I have always been afraid, and there has always been a constant fear inside me, to be not good enough, to be hurt, to not be able to make it. I mean if this has always been there, how can it ever disappear? Or is it normal to be constantly afraid? If it is, I don't get how other people manage to live their lives.

i think it's normal to have a certain level of anxiety when trying new things. and like i said, these are huge decisions to make. but try and use that anxiety constructively. if you're afraid of something, try to overcome it, and never forget to congratulate yourself some way for it. small accomplishments can motivate you to continue on this path away from your self-destructive habits.

if you want to talk more about any of this, or anything, ever, please pm me. i'd love to chat. i hope some of this helped.
love, tara.