I often feel like I have to "punish myself in advance" for something that I am going to do or that is going to happen. I don't know if you know that feeling when you are afraid of doing everything wrong and sure to end up in an embarrassing or painful situation. I often don't think of the positive things that could happen, I rather don't hope too much because if I don't expect much, I am less likely to be deceived. Do you know this?
For example, today I had a driving lesson. I like driving, and usually the lessons go well and I am not embarrassed or hurt or something, but I am always nervous before each lesson. And today I was nervous too, and I cut. On one hand I did this to calm down myself, on the other hand like to punish myself for my future mistakes.
This evening I am having badminton training. I like playing badminton, but the others there play so much better than me, and I feel in the wrong place. I feel like everyone is looking down on me as the stupid, clumsy, fat girl. And now I am very nervous to go. I know I will cut before I go.
Do you also often "deprive" yourself of the things you like till you have done an event that you are afraid of (eg. an important exam)? I often do this, somehow I seem to believe that then the exam or whatever will be better, that I will be less deceived, and, after I passed, I will be lucky and deserving of the thing I like (eg. listening to music).
I don't know if this is good, I do it automatically. I am doing it too today, because I am nervous about the badminton entrainment. But I didn't feel to good about my behavior today, because after a while I felt aggressive and wasn't able to concentrate on the work I had to do, and that made me feel guilty.
Do you have any comments or suggestions?
Being pessimistic and depriving yourself
Being pessimistic and depriving yourself
Semiramis
It was as if what I wanted to kill wasn't in that skin or the thin blue pulse that jumped under my thumb, but somewhere else, deeper, more secret, and a whole lot harder to get at.
from The Bell Jar by Silvia Plath
It was as if what I wanted to kill wasn't in that skin or the thin blue pulse that jumped under my thumb, but somewhere else, deeper, more secret, and a whole lot harder to get at. from The Bell Jar by Silvia Plath
*nods* i have si'ed because of future things before. there was a thread about it ages ago... couldn't find it.
but you're not the only one who si's before things happen
the wording makes me think that you're not attempting to stop si...? & my suggestions strongly tend to lean towards 'stopping si'... so i'll save those.I know I will cut before I go.
but you're not the only one who si's before things happen
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