Being pessimistic and depriving yourself

tips on how to cope: dealing with your feelings, dealing with the consequences of self-harm in your life. share your ideas and maybe pick up some new skills, too. you don't have to want to stop to learn something new here.

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Semiramis
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Being pessimistic and depriving yourself

Post by Semiramis » Tue Feb 22, 2005 6:31 pm

I often feel like I have to "punish myself in advance" for something that I am going to do or that is going to happen. I don't know if you know that feeling when you are afraid of doing everything wrong and sure to end up in an embarrassing or painful situation. I often don't think of the positive things that could happen, I rather don't hope too much because if I don't expect much, I am less likely to be deceived. Do you know this?

For example, today I had a driving lesson. I like driving, and usually the lessons go well and I am not embarrassed or hurt or something, but I am always nervous before each lesson. And today I was nervous too, and I cut. On one hand I did this to calm down myself, on the other hand like to punish myself for my future mistakes.

This evening I am having badminton training. I like playing badminton, but the others there play so much better than me, and I feel in the wrong place. I feel like everyone is looking down on me as the stupid, clumsy, fat girl. And now I am very nervous to go. I know I will cut before I go.

Do you also often "deprive" yourself of the things you like till you have done an event that you are afraid of (eg. an important exam)? I often do this, somehow I seem to believe that then the exam or whatever will be better, that I will be less deceived, and, after I passed, I will be lucky and deserving of the thing I like (eg. listening to music).
I don't know if this is good, I do it automatically. I am doing it too today, because I am nervous about the badminton entrainment. But I didn't feel to good about my behavior today, because after a while I felt aggressive and wasn't able to concentrate on the work I had to do, and that made me feel guilty.

Do you have any comments or suggestions?
Semiramis

:star: It was as if what I wanted to kill wasn't in that skin or the thin blue pulse that jumped under my thumb, but somewhere else, deeper, more secret, and a whole lot harder to get at. :star:

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plantt
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Post by plantt » Wed Feb 23, 2005 6:31 pm

*nods* i have si'ed because of future things before. there was a thread about it ages ago... couldn't find it.
I know I will cut before I go.
the wording makes me think that you're not attempting to stop si...? & my suggestions strongly tend to lean towards 'stopping si'... so i'll save those.

but you're not the only one who si's before things happen :grnstar:

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