I feel like my urge to cut is growing. Eveytime I have negative thoughts, I feel guilty, I am angry - when there's any negative feeling, I cut, or I think of it and want to do it. And cutting helps me a lot for the moment, it takes away the negative feelings, I feel better afterwards. But on the other hand it really scares me, I mean that I am increasingly engaging in it. And I am afraid that one day I just won't be able to stop it, so that I have to fight it the rest of my life.
Also, I think I got an inflammation on my upper leg, where I cut last evening. I am really scared of infections, and I can't show them to anyone, because my doctor is my mother.
Cutting not only takes away the negative feelins, it also makes me feel special. I don't know, somehow I don't even try to keep me from cutting. I want it - it's like I deliberately create problems for myself.
This sounds crazy, and it really scares me, I don't know where it will lead to, and on the other hand I am not willing to stop, or not even able to.
Do you have any comment or advise?
Where will it lead me to? I am scared!
Where will it lead me to? I am scared!
Semiramis
It was as if what I wanted to kill wasn't in that skin or the thin blue pulse that jumped under my thumb, but somewhere else, deeper, more secret, and a whole lot harder to get at.
from The Bell Jar by Silvia Plath
It was as if what I wanted to kill wasn't in that skin or the thin blue pulse that jumped under my thumb, but somewhere else, deeper, more secret, and a whole lot harder to get at. from The Bell Jar by Silvia Plath
If I was sure that I would make it, I would probably do it. Especially now, that spring is coming. Spring is the time when I am most depressed. I just hate it, the sunshine, the flowers - all these things just don't match my mood. And I guess if I get more depressed, I will try to stop cutting because in the long term it just brings me down.
And if I knew something that helped better than cutting, I would probably stop too.
But I guess stopping it entirely takes a lot of effort and doesn't happen overnight.
And if I knew something that helped better than cutting, I would probably stop too.
But I guess stopping it entirely takes a lot of effort and doesn't happen overnight.
Semiramis
It was as if what I wanted to kill wasn't in that skin or the thin blue pulse that jumped under my thumb, but somewhere else, deeper, more secret, and a whole lot harder to get at.
from The Bell Jar by Silvia Plath
It was as if what I wanted to kill wasn't in that skin or the thin blue pulse that jumped under my thumb, but somewhere else, deeper, more secret, and a whole lot harder to get at. from The Bell Jar by Silvia Plath
If I was sure that I would make it, I would probably do it.
--what would make you 'sure'? i could tell you that i'm firmly convinced it's possible. i could give you names of ppl who have managed to stop for very long periods of time. etc.
And I guess if I get more depressed, I will try to stop cutting because in the long term it just brings me down.
--so you realize that it's problematic... why do you continue to cut? why are you holding on to something that you know ultimately does more harm than good... in more than one way?
And if I knew something that helped better than cutting, I would probably stop too.
--how would you define 'better'?
But I guess stopping it entirely takes a lot of effort and doesn't happen overnight.
--a lot of effort... i'd agree. changing most things takes effort. for some people... their actions do change overnight. they choose to give up si... & they do. i'm not saying it's like that for everyone or even most people... but it is possible
hang in there
--what would make you 'sure'? i could tell you that i'm firmly convinced it's possible. i could give you names of ppl who have managed to stop for very long periods of time. etc.
And I guess if I get more depressed, I will try to stop cutting because in the long term it just brings me down.
--so you realize that it's problematic... why do you continue to cut? why are you holding on to something that you know ultimately does more harm than good... in more than one way?
And if I knew something that helped better than cutting, I would probably stop too.
--how would you define 'better'?
But I guess stopping it entirely takes a lot of effort and doesn't happen overnight.
--a lot of effort... i'd agree. changing most things takes effort. for some people... their actions do change overnight. they choose to give up si... & they do. i'm not saying it's like that for everyone or even most people... but it is possible
hang in there
If I found something which helped better than cutting, then I would probably be willing to stop. Something "better" means something that helps me more, that helps me to deal with the negative feelings. Because cutting helps a lot against negative feelings, but it can also create them.
Why do I hold on to something that I know is ultimately bad? Because it helps me for the moment, and that's what counts for me right now. I mean, the pain is just easier to carry if I can help myself with SI. I know it sounds weird...but I really don't know what I would do if I didn't cut, stuff myself with food or alcohol...I wouldn't know how to deal with my life. It would be just horrible.
But the people who managed to stop SI, are they happy now? I mean, don't they miss it, aren't they tempted all the time?
Why do I hold on to something that I know is ultimately bad? Because it helps me for the moment, and that's what counts for me right now. I mean, the pain is just easier to carry if I can help myself with SI. I know it sounds weird...but I really don't know what I would do if I didn't cut, stuff myself with food or alcohol...I wouldn't know how to deal with my life. It would be just horrible.
But the people who managed to stop SI, are they happy now? I mean, don't they miss it, aren't they tempted all the time?
Semiramis
It was as if what I wanted to kill wasn't in that skin or the thin blue pulse that jumped under my thumb, but somewhere else, deeper, more secret, and a whole lot harder to get at.
from The Bell Jar by Silvia Plath
It was as if what I wanted to kill wasn't in that skin or the thin blue pulse that jumped under my thumb, but somewhere else, deeper, more secret, and a whole lot harder to get at. from The Bell Jar by Silvia Plath
You could try asking that on the Life After section, and see what responses you get. Me, I'm not sure I consider myself fully stopped SIing, but well my sig tells you how that's going 
I do find that I think about SI very often, but it more of an automatic thought that I brush off rather than something compelling or overwhelming.
There are tons of ideas around the Coping forum for other less harmful things to do that might relieve your feelings at least temporarily. None of them is a magic fix, but they do help a bit. I have to admit that for me the main progress was achieved with meds, and then the coping strategies just help me not to SI for silly reasons or out of habit.
It sounds difficult, having your mother as your doctor. Especially if you got an infected SI injury, or wanted to look at medication or talking therapy for your feelings. Is there any way you could change this arrangement? I thought doctors weren't meant to treat their own family, but maybe that's just here in the UK I don't know. How do you think y our mother would react if you tried to talk to her about any of this?
I think you are right to be concerned about where this will lead. I don't want to get into horror stories, but basically my SI began pretty minor and infrequent years ago, and escalated badly some time later, the injuries got more frequent and much more severe. So please, do look at finding better ways to help yourself as soon as possible.
Good luck
Love Laura
I do find that I think about SI very often, but it more of an automatic thought that I brush off rather than something compelling or overwhelming.There are tons of ideas around the Coping forum for other less harmful things to do that might relieve your feelings at least temporarily. None of them is a magic fix, but they do help a bit. I have to admit that for me the main progress was achieved with meds, and then the coping strategies just help me not to SI for silly reasons or out of habit.
It sounds difficult, having your mother as your doctor. Especially if you got an infected SI injury, or wanted to look at medication or talking therapy for your feelings. Is there any way you could change this arrangement? I thought doctors weren't meant to treat their own family, but maybe that's just here in the UK I don't know. How do you think y our mother would react if you tried to talk to her about any of this?
I think you are right to be concerned about where this will lead. I don't want to get into horror stories, but basically my SI began pretty minor and infrequent years ago, and escalated badly some time later, the injuries got more frequent and much more severe. So please, do look at finding better ways to help yourself as soon as possible.
Good luck
Love Laura
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