Old habity die hard, as hard as I do.

[Midnight Tigress]

Well, this time I made it 129 days but then stuff, as usual, just piled up and became too much for me to handle.
Some of the big things that probably brought the SI when it did would be my continual loss of everyone and everyone close to me, the fact that I love my one best friend so much and want to be more with her, but she dosn't, didn't give us a chance, and is thinking about dating a male friend of ours that feels the same way about her as I do but she dosn't know what she should do about it, that she's gone back to smoking because of the stress but she yells that I'm not allowed to cut because it does more dammage, an d just a whole bunch of other shit that's going on in my head and in my life.
Therapist visits don't seem to be doing anything anymore for my depression, and though I'm a little better on my meds, it still won't end!
On top of all of this when I SI, I feel like a horrable friend, and a horrable person because knowing I've SIed upsets what friends are left.
I just feel like they, and everyone else, INCLUDING ME, would be happier if I let myself bleed out...

[Space_Man]

I love my one best friend so much and want to be more with her, but she doesn’t didn't give us a chance, and is thinking about dating a male friend of ours…

That must be a very difficult situation….

…she's gone back to smoking because of the stress but she yells that I'm not allowed to cut because it does more damage…

I realize that her intentions were good, but smoking & cutting aren’t quite on equal levels…

I just feel like they, and everyone else, INCLUDING ME, would be happier if I let myself bleed out...

But, for just a moment, can you pause to imagine the grief you would cause your family & friends…?

[mallie]

129 days is a long time. You coped for that long, that is something to be pleased with.

Letting yourself bleed out won't help anybody. Not you, and not your friends. It is worth keeping fighting to keep going.

Trying to work out exactly what is bothering you is a good idea. What is it about your best friend that is a problem ? That you can't be with her, or that she wants to see someone else ? Have you spoken about this properly with her ?

Your friend telling you that you cannot cut because it does more damage than smoking is a bit out of line. Yelling at you about that is not going to do you any good, and is hardly a supportive attitude.

Have you told your therapist that you think its not helping anymore ? Maybe you need to try something different there. If you think it isn't helping you, its worth raising the issue with your T and seeing if there is something else you can do there. It is definately worth a try.

[limestone]

...
Therapist visits don't seem to be doing anything anymore for my depression, and though I'm a little better on my meds, it still won't end!

how do you know it won't end?

...On top of all of this when I SI, I feel like a horrable friend, and a horrable person because knowing I've SIed upsets what friends are left.
I just feel like they, and everyone else, INCLUDING ME, would be happier if I let myself bleed out...

I don't understand your connection between si'ing and being a good friend. A good friend will not make you feel guilty if you hurt yourself but will try to help you see that you are worth not hurting yourself.

how will you be happier? I don't understand that either. because if you weren't here how will get to see things change, huh? Plus you're not a sink and if you were, what would it be that is inside of you that you wish to get rid of?