lost

[Midnight Tigress]

lately I've been trying hard to stop my SI, I even went 130-some days my last run, but sence then I've been so horrable inside that I've SIed atleast once a day.
I want to stop, for my two very close friends who know about SI, OD, SU from personal experiences, because they're so worried about me getting worse over time with severity, etc.
Though, I don't really know how I made it that long, so I can't go back to that.
And a lot of shit has happened with my clan(of friends), and my friends mean more to me than anything or anyone else, well, my closeer friends rather.
I've been on medications, going to a T (for depression, havn't mentioned SI/SU to him), meditating, drawing, still nothing can stop my new cycle of pain leading to my SI.
Tonight, talking to one of the two on the phone, she asked me why I did tonight, and my only response was
"...a tigress needs her stripes..."

anyone, help?

[plantt]

talk with t about it.
write down & *use* other ways to cope.
don't allow yourself to use the 'i can't stop' 'i need/have to si' copouts.
try the list of questions on the before/after forum.
think of all the reasons why you want to stop for your friends... & why they want you to stop

[BlackTara]

Sometimes counting the days can become a stressor in itself. Maybe this is a bad analogy, but how in Zen meditation they count breaths to help them concentrate - if you find you've lost concentration, you start back at one and if you make it to 10 start back at one, but thinking 'wow, I made it" when reaching 10 or, "wow, I'm bad at this" when starting over after only two breaths can distract you from being present in the next round. Just forgive yourself and come back to the breath you are on right now.

This day you are living now is the most important. Live it with all your might and if you make a mistake forgive yourself so you can keep doing your best. When you reach 130 again, I hope you will be too busy living today to notice the number much.