My T wants my knife!!

tips on how to cope: dealing with your feelings, dealing with the consequences of self-harm in your life. share your ideas and maybe pick up some new skills, too. you don't have to want to stop to learn something new here.

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marylou
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My T wants my knife!!

Post by marylou » Sun Dec 05, 2004 7:20 pm

So I'm seeing a T and I SH last wkend and when I saw her on Wed she told m I have to bring my knife to her next time and she is going to keep it. Is that allowed?? She said if I hadn't SH at the wkend she wouldn't be taking it from me. I know she is trying to help, but I feel like she is punishing me!

I've been talking to some non-SH friends about it and obviously they see this as helpful and as having my best interests in mind, and I'm sure she does.
However!! Can anyone relate to this:
:star: My knife is part of a set (I only use one specific knife for SH), and to loose one would wreck the set! I really like stuff organised and it will REALLY annoy me to have one missing.
:star: The set of knives was a housewarming present from my sister, I don't want to give it up, it was a gift.
:star: It's seen me through some really hard times, like it has sentimental value. I know it wasn't the best method for making it through tough stuff, but it still holds that memory of helping me stay alive.
:star: I'll miss it. I was sitting just holding the knife after T said she wanted it and I was thinking about how much I will miss it. I will miss having it around and knowing it's always there when things get tough, it makes me feel safe.
:star: It reminds me of victories. Seeing it reminds of the crap I've overcome with it;s help, and of the things I've overcome without it.

I really REALLY do want to give SH up, I don't know how to process these feelings about my knife. It's almost like the loss of a loved one. I feel like I'm in mourning or something!
Is this strange?
Is there something I can do to make it easier?
"You loosen my chains and just ask me to trust you. But it's so much easier this way, even though I know that I am bound."

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....

Post by Guest » Sun Dec 05, 2004 8:02 pm

I SH and i totally understand where your coming from. i used to carry my utincels that i used with me, they were my safety net. my utencils were my best friend, and if some one took them away from me i would freak!! But...I feel, even though it's going to be hard, that you should give you Knife to your T. It's going to be a struggle and its going to be really really hard but I feel it's the right choice.

thats just what i feel but you got to do what you feel. It's your life, your recovery. You do what you think is best. :) :wink:

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Post by guanny » Sun Dec 05, 2004 11:38 pm

I completely understand where you are coming from. I'm also seeing a T and we have had discussions about my knife, although she has never asked for it. There have been several times when she recommended that I dispose of it and I have yet to be able to do that. As with you, it is a comfort for me to still have it and have that option available to me. I have been fairly successful in resisting my temptations, but it is all a matter of finding another way to deal with your triggers. The question of what to do with your knife is something you will have to deal with yourself.

It seems to me like you are trying to make excuses to retain it such as you don't want to break up the set, etc. When in actuality by making that knife your instrument of choice, the set is already broken. You need to resolve for yourself, what is more important, breaking the cycle or keeping the set in tact.

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Post by dreams » Mon Dec 06, 2004 2:03 pm

Take her a copy of debs 'bill of rights for people who self harm'
The Bill of Rights:
1. The right to caring, humane medical treatment
Self-injurers should receive the same level and quality of care that a person presenting with an identical but accidental injury would receive. Procedures should be done as gently as they would be for others. If stitches are required, local anesthesia should be used. Treatment of accidental injury and self-inflicted injury should be identical.
2. The right to participate fully in decisions about emergency psychiatric treatment (so long as no one's life is in immediate danger).
When a person presents at the emergency room with a self-inflicted injury, his or her opinion about the need for a psychological assessment should be considered. If the person is not in obvious distress and is not suicidal, he or she should not be subjected to an arduous psych evaluation. Doctors should be trained to assess suicidality/homicidality and should realize that although referral for outpatient follow-up may be advisable, hospitalization for self-injurious behavior alone is rarely warranted.
3. The right to body privacy.
Visual examinations to determine the extent and frequency of self-inflicted injury should be performed only when absolutely necessary and done in a way that maintains the patient's dignity. Many who SI have been abused; the humiliation of a strip-search is likely to increase the amount and intensity of future self-injury while making the person subject to the searches look for better ways to hide the marks.
4. The right to have the feelings behind the SI validated.
Self-injury doesn't occur in a vacuum. The person who self-injures usually does so in response to distressing feelings, and those feelings should be recognized and validated. Although the care provider might not understand why a particular situation is extremely upsetting, she or he can at least understand that it *is* distressing and respect the self-injurer's right to be upset about it.
5. The right to disclose to whom they choose only what they choose.
No care provider should disclose to others that injuries are self-inflicted without obtaining the permission of the person involved. Exceptions can be made in the case of team-based hospital treatment or other medical care providers when the information that the injuries were self-inflicted is essential knowledge for proper medical care. Patients should be notified when others are told about their SI and as always, gossiping about any patient is unprofessional.
6. The right to choose what coping mechanisms they will use.
No person should be forced to choose between self-injury and treatment. Outpatient therapists should never demand that clients sign a no-harm contract; instead, client and provider should develop a plan for dealing with self-injurious impulses and acts during the treatment. No client should feel they must lie about SI or be kicked out of outpatient therapy. Exceptions to this may be made in hospital or ER treatment, when a contract may be required by hospital legal policies.
7. The right to have care providers who are not afraid of SI.
Those who work with clients who self-injure should keep their own fear, revulsion, anger, and anxiety out of the therapeutic setting. This is crucial for basic medical care of self-inflicted wounds but holds for therapists as well. A person who is struggling with self-injury has enough baggage without taking on the prejudices and biases of their care providers.
8. The right to have the role SI has played as a coping mechanism validated.
No one should be shamed, admonished, or chastised for having self-injured. Self-injury works as a coping mechanism, sometimes for people who have no other way to cope. They may use SI as a last-ditch effort to avoid suicide. The self-injurer should be taught to honor the positive things that self-injury has done for him/her as well as to recognize that the negatives of SI far outweigh those positives and that it is possible to learn methods of coping that aren't as destructive and life-interfering.
9. The right not to be automatically considered a dangerous person simply because of self-inflicted injury.
No one should be put in restraints or locked in a treatment room in an emergency room solely because his or her injuries are self-inflicted. No one should ever be involuntarily committed simply because of SI; physicians should make the decision to commit based on the presence of psychosis, suicidality, or homicidality.
10. The right to have self-injury regarded as an attempt to communicate, not manipulate.
Most people who hurt themselves are trying to express things they can say in no other way. Although sometimes these attempts to communicate seem manipulative, treating them as manipulation only makes the situation worse. Providers should respect the communicative function of SI and assume it is not manipulative behavior until there is clear evidence to the contrary.
Courtesy of Deb Martinson- www.service4you.net/self injury
In specific I'm talking about point number 6.

It specifically says that
6. The right to choose what coping mechanisms they will use.
No person should be forced to choose between self-injury and treatment. Outpatient therapists should never demand that clients sign a no-harm contract; instead, client and provider should develop a plan for dealing with self-injurious impulses and acts during the treatment. No client should feel they must lie about SI or be kicked out of outpatient therapy. Exceptions to this may be made in hospital or ER treatment, when a contract may be required by hospital legal policies.
I personally feel that this may be a destructive thing to ask you to do. What will you do next time you 'need' to cut. Until she has helped you develop other coping mechanisms how can she ask you to give up the only one you know?

dreams :clover:[/quote]
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:redstar: I have been SI-free since 22nd November 2004 :redstar:

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marylou
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Post by marylou » Mon Dec 06, 2004 9:49 pm

Thanks. I don't if it's the same in the UK, but that's a really good point. I was kinda worried about that too.
I'm seeing her on Wednesday, I'll let you know what happens.
"You loosen my chains and just ask me to trust you. But it's so much easier this way, even though I know that I am bound."

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Post by noldo » Thu Dec 09, 2004 6:27 am

I think it isn't good your T has practically demanded your knife, but it would be good to dispose it eventually when you have other, healthy coping methods. I'm sure it's hard and I understand your feelings (like mourning) towards it. I think it's quite normal, it is/was an important thing in your life and it's hard to let go, to lose that "safety". Anyway, if you don't feel comfortable with giving it away now, don't do it, but keep that idea in your head for later. Well, curious to see, how it'll go, great you will keep us informed :D
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Post by marylou » Thu Dec 09, 2004 4:47 pm

Okay so I was meant to see my T yesterday and after LOTS of thought I decided I would take my knife to her. But then she cancelled because she's sick. ARGH!
However, I went to see a friend I always see post-T sessions and I gave him the knife instead. It was like the scariest thing I've ever done!! And I did it really quickly just as I was leaving him and I made him promise I could get it back whenever I wanted, which makes me feel alot better.

I'm still feeling really nervous and almost paranoid without it, but also strong. I had to phone my mate last night and get him to tell me where it was, because it was killing me not knowing where it was. It felt like I'd lost it, like it was gone. And he told me and I relaxed a bit. And then I phoned him again and asked him to put it somewhere else more permanent (before he was carrying it around in his bag) and gave him a list of places he couldn't take it to (like his girlfriends house) and asked him to tell me exactly where it was and if it was hidden behind something, or covered up. I had to know it where it was so I could see it in my head. I felt, I FEEL like I've abandoned it. In my head I'm telling the knife that everything is okay and we're just apart for a little while and I can see it in my head and know it's safe. It's crazy!!!!!!!!!! Feel like a bit of a psycho :o

But it's also really good because I've managed to cope (it's only been a day!) and I made it through the first night without it. Feeling very strong and proud of myself :D Go me!
"You loosen my chains and just ask me to trust you. But it's so much easier this way, even though I know that I am bound."

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Post by Twitter Mouse » Sat Dec 11, 2004 4:14 pm

Good for you :D :1hug:
And it's hey babe, with your guardian eyes so blue,
Hey my baby, don't you know our love is true,
I've been so far from here,
Far from your loving arms,
Now I'm back again, and babe it's gonna work out fine.


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marylou
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Post by marylou » Mon Dec 13, 2004 2:22 pm

Oooh! Went to "visit" my knife last night!
Worked out that with differing schedules I might not be able to see my knife again for AGES, so I got the train over to my friends house yesterday to visit it. My friend lives in another town half an hour away by train, so it's not like I can just pop round whenever.

It was weird. I knew exactly where it was and I went in my friend's house and went to where my knife is, my friend tried to follow me and watch but I told him to go away. I don't think he understood why, I don't really, but I didn't want him there when I saw it again. I think maybe I didn't want him to see how much of a relief it was to have it back again, to see how much I didn't want to put it away again. After a while I took it into the livingroom (my friend lives alone) and sat with it in my hands while I just hung out with my friend. It was weird and comforting at the same time.

Later on I had to leave, and I left the knife in his house. I was weird putting it back. Not having it again...
But I think it was really good to visit the knife. I feel better knowing it's there, knowing I can have it and knowing I can leave it and it'll be safe. It felt like a positive thing.
"You loosen my chains and just ask me to trust you. But it's so much easier this way, even though I know that I am bound."

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Post by dreams » Mon Dec 13, 2004 9:40 pm

I am glad your feeling positive marylou that was a really brave decision to make. I hope your therapy continues to go well.

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