Not worth noticing?

Brokenwings11 · Post by **Brokenwings11** » Sun Oct 03, 2004 1:19 am

I've been SI for a week now and I've been doing it mostly at school and no one has noticed unless I've told them. I still have a few scars showing, and my parents don't even notice! And today they got all b1tchy at me because I wasn't smiling for the camera for our X-mas pic, and then they laid on the guilt trip and ngh! Sry, had to get that all out.

PoisonIvy · Post by **PoisonIvy** » Sun Oct 03, 2004 3:26 am

People are sometimes very ignorant to what they don't want to know. Just beacuse they don't notice doesn't mean that they don't care. Sometimes it just easier to look away then to try to deal with helping someone out. Try not to take it personally. Hope things get better, but if you want to talk, feel free to add me to msn, or PM me.

Brokenwings11 · Post by **Brokenwings11** » Sun Oct 03, 2004 2:37 pm

thanks for the tip. I've told most of my friends, and they've been very helpful and supportive in trying to get me to not SI. But my mother just saw two left over scars and didn't say anything about it. >.<

limestone · Post by **limestone** » Sun Oct 03, 2004 4:10 pm

hi
I don't understand. Do you want people to notice?

Brokenwings11 · Post by **Brokenwings11** » Sun Oct 03, 2004 4:59 pm

I'd like it if people would notice and try to HELP ME. But I'm so confused, I don't WANT my parent's to see, because I'm scared of them pretty much, and they're always busy with my younger brother, who is screaming and cursing his head off as I write this, and I just KNOW they would lock me up if they found out like they did him or put me on meds to keep me quiet and oh, crud I'm confused. That probably didn't help any, did it?

limestone · Post by **limestone** » Sun Oct 03, 2004 6:25 pm

Brokenwings11 wrote:I'd like it if people would notice and try to HELP ME.

would it help if you said to your parents, without mentioning si, that you need help with x y z and that you're feeling a bit unoticed at the moment.
why are you scared of them? you can't be locked up for si or put on medication if you don't want to be. medication rarely works for si anyway.
what kinds of things could you do to help yourself today? just 3 would be a good start.

Brokenwings11 · Post by **Brokenwings11** » Sun Oct 03, 2004 6:34 pm

I've TRIED talking to my parents and saying how I feel but IT NEVER WORKS. The last two times I tried they said I was being stupid, unrealistic, childish, and trying to lay on the 'guilt trip', and I just went to my room and cried my eyes out till I could call a friend. They don't even know what kind of music I like! Plus they haven't even noticed anything about my SI and my mother has seen two of the scars on my arm and she didn't even suspect ANYTHING. When my parent's get mad at me, it's just plain terrifying, even though they don't hit me or anything like that. I've been thinking of going and staying with a friend it things don't get better.....

On the topic of SI, I've been clean for about 4 days now because I don't want to worry my friends because I love them all so much and I don't want to hurt them anymore. ;-; I think it's getting better, because I really wanted to SI last night and I told myself NONONONO, and it worked. ^-^

tainted love · Post by **tainted love** » Sun Oct 03, 2004 7:32 pm

it sounds like you do want help, which is good. maybe since you can't really talk to your parents, you could see a counselor at school? just make an appointment, and you don't have to bring the si up right away. just talk for awhile, and eventually if you get comfortable enough, you can talk about it.

and good job on not cutting for four days!

Brokenwings11 · Post by **Brokenwings11** » Mon Oct 04, 2004 3:16 am

I was thinking of telling one of my teachers and getting some advice from them or whatnot. Thank God for youth meetings! Ty for the hint. (hug)

Tamrick · Post by **Tamrick** » Mon Oct 04, 2004 7:01 pm

Hi from what you have written it sounds like you are not getting enough meaningful attention at hime - that you want your parents to notice you and who you are and that is quite normal - I also used to wish my parents really knew me.

It sounds like you have some friends who can support you - can you do stuff with them? Try to have a few close friends and people who know about your SI and then some people who you can just do fun stuff with and who know nothing about the SI - it sounds like you need space just to be you and to be happy being you - give yourself that space. Do you write in a journal - online or in a book? What other coping methods have you tried to get people to notice you - besides SI I mean?

There are a lot of ways of getting people to notice you and they vary - you can 1. scream and shout and throw a temper tantrum in the shops
2. eat ice cream til it dribbles all over your clothes and you look messy
3. smile at everyone in the street til someone says hello
4. wear an outfit no one would expect you to wear
5. make your parnets breakfast one morning
6. post messages to companies complaining about their stuff so that you get free stuff in the mail
7. tickle your friends - they'll have to notice you - beware of doing this to your parents
8. get a really good or shockingly bad grade at school
9. be really late for some event
10. slam the phone down and swear loudly when someone is around
11. slam the door
12. leave your room messy for an age - and I mean really messy
13. when they notice tidy it up and see if they notice
14. draw red lines all over your skin or paint your skin with chocolate paint and wear it in the house

There are tons of ways of getting noticed - can you think of more?

Tamrick

Brokenwings11 · Post by **Brokenwings11** » Mon Oct 04, 2004 10:00 pm

((gigantic huggle)) Ty.

All my friends know about my SI, and they've all been suportive to me. X3 They're so awesome.

How to get noticed? Um.........well, they're not home a lot.......or I'm busy with stuff....so I don't have many opportunities to see them or whatnot........ ty for the help.

(SI FREE FOR 5 DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! XD)

Brokenwings11 · Post by **Brokenwings11** » Tue Oct 05, 2004 10:16 pm

The counsler at school told my parent's I was SI today. Gods, I was having anxiety attacks during my last class.

I just finished talking to my 'parents'. They said they were hurt and mother was crying a little. She suggested I go to a shrink or something like that. I flatly told them I hat3d them and if things weren't better by New Year's I was moving out of the house. Gods, I them so much.

I don't know whether to feel ashamed or @ngry.

I told them mostly how I felt. I left few things out. I said I h@ted them, and I wish I was somewhere else. I told them about my 7 year depression and my SU longing. I showed them my scars. They never guessed, never knew about what I told them. I still them, but now I wonder if I have that right.

I'm still confused. I don't know what to do anymore. Did I do the right thing in telling them?

Brokenwings11 · Post by **Brokenwings11** » Mon Oct 11, 2004 10:56 pm

Well, I was SI for about 10 days, which made me extremely happy, until I started to SI in class today; since I didn't have anything sharp on hand, I used my nails. A bit after that, I went to see my guidance couseler, who called my mum, who drove me home. I feel better now, but this morning I felt like sh1t, and thinking no one cared, and yada yada yada. I'm really d1sgusted with myself. Me and my family patched things up, and I really think things are going to get better. I haven't been mad at them for like...almost 2 weeks! It's a record! My mum remarked that she though my counseler was getting worried about me....I really feel bad, and I really do think I have a disorder now. But hey, I'll live with it. I plan on seeing a therapist soon. Ty to everyone here on the Bus for being so freaking awesome! **gigantic huggle** X3

Bathelina · Post by **Bathelina** » Tue Oct 12, 2004 6:09 pm

I know that I have been told this and not done anything: but, never the less, I think you should tell your problems because you don't want a problem to start developing.

Good luck! Try not to SI again!

Lots of love,
Hannah

:):):)

Brokenwings11 · Post by **Brokenwings11** » Sat Oct 16, 2004 2:14 am

Thanks Hannah. I really apprecitate the post.

Now, I just need to get this all out:

I SI to punish myself, I wish I was de@d, I wish God would let me die, I wish people could see the real me, I wish that I could be stronger, I wish I wasn't here, and I just feel really crappy right now...I feel so bad right now that I'm filled with negative feelings every few days. EVERY FEW DAYS. It's never been so bad before. I just keep getting tired, and touchy, and, and, downright SH1TTY. I don't know what to do. My friends are already worried enough as it is, and so is my family, and even the guidance counselor at school is....I have to learn to rely on myself...I don't want to worry them any more than I have...but I just can't stop this either. I don't know what to do anymore....

Zebraseal · Post by **Zebraseal** » Mon Nov 08, 2004 3:40 pm

Thank you for writing all this, Brokenwings11. A lot of it seems familiar, as I too have issues with my parents, and I can't really trust them to understand any of my problems even if I've told them stuff... But I'm not living with them any more, which is for the better for everyone.

Also, I too SI to punish myself, ultimately. It's good to hear someone has feelings exactly similar to mine.

No suggestions, really, just a warm thank you, a wish taht you'll get better and stronger and happier now, and a small *hug* if that's ok.

morganbellamy · Post by **morganbellamy** » Tue Nov 09, 2004 4:05 pm

Brokenwings11 wrote:they would lock me up if they found out like they did him

you mentioned your brother.. what happend with him, if you dont mind me asking? did/does he sh too?

Brokenwings11 · Post by **Brokenwings11** » Sat Nov 13, 2004 7:33 pm

To Zebraseal, thanks so much, and to morganbellamy, let's just say...he got really, really violent.

I've been SI free for about 23 days now, and I'm seeing a therapist every week. I've become pretty good at resisting the 'bad voices' in my head now....it happened this week Monday-Wednesday, but I was able to ignore it....well, at least not do anything. Things are better now. Thanks so much to everyone for their help here on the Bus. ~gigantic huggle~ Things aren't perfect, but they're better.

Zebraseal · Post by **Zebraseal** » Mon Nov 15, 2004 11:00 am

Glad to hear you're doing better. 9 days free for me this time, and intending to go on being free for a long, long time still. *hugs!*

Brokenwings11 · Post by **Brokenwings11** » Sun Nov 28, 2004 10:26 pm

.....yeah, I SI'd again last week on Friday, I think. And I did it again Sunday (last week), so I've been SI free about... 6 days. Fun fun.

Spent the holidays as a maid, basically.....God, Macaroni and cheese is the one thing we don't have leftovers of. Got a job taking care of my neighbor's cat but today is the last day. ;-;

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