when you feel like you are a burden on those you care about

[skindeep]

Hi, I'm new here.

I told my bestfriend also a mentor and a second mom and our relationship goes really deep. She encouraged me to get help and I started seeing a counselor at school finally. But, I'm not getting better. For a while I called her when I was going to SI and she calmed me down. But now I feel so alone, I feel like I am a dissapointment to her and although she says to call her anytime, I feel like I am taking advantage and so I have been hiding my feelings from her. I feel like she means so much to me, thatI don't want to let her down or hurt her, by bringing her down all the time. I don't want to loose her friendship so I realized I have to change, or at least pretend that I did. I see her everyday so this is really hard. I've been sucessful at hiding my feelings but inside I am dying.
I don't really know why I am writing this.... I just don't know what to do... how much should we let ourselves depend on fpeople (I never really have or have trusted anyone this much before) and how much should we keep inside so that we can't hurt anyone. Especially when we care about them so much.
Does anyone have any suggestions?

[amarganth]

Hi,

I believe your friend meant what she said when she told you to call her anytime. By pretending you're fine, you'll put some pressure on this friendship, cause she must want you to confide in her. Only by channeling your problems can you get better, and if that is talking to her, then do so. Perhaps you will find other ways to 'relieve' the feelings that makes you hurt yourself physically, but you have to start somewhere.
I believe you are very lucky to have someone to talk to. I've been in the same situation as you are, and I know how hard it is to feel like a burden.

Hope you get better soon

[amerylis]

I know what you are going through because it is how I feel because I hate ringing/texting my friends because I don,t want to hurt them. They say they don't mind but I'm not sure that I believe them.
Take care of yourself and I hope you feel better soon.
Love and Hugs
Mandy

[badgirl22]

I had sort of the same problem and ended up really not talking to them anymore..I just couldn't stand lieing to them, but I couldn't call them "anytime" because I knew they had lives too and that I would be a burden to them if I did that..and they would eventually not like me or shun talking to me because I am too "needy." so I just don't go there anymore. I don't talk to them unless they talk to me..I usually say I am fine at that point..but I understand where u are comming from though..I know it is hard. I suggest u try talking to a T. where the T. has certain rules about that but I think if u feel bad u can call them..I dono..I understand though..
sadly...
-Badgirl22

[Space_Man]

Tough issue, and skindeep, you raise some good questions.

I’m gonna hesitantly lay-down the “age” card on the table: I am 35 years old…and, I’m willing to bet, older than everyone who has posted thus far. I won’t be so arrogant to say that I speak with “experience” or—gasp—“wisdom,” but here’s my take…although I don’t think anyone’s gonna like hearing it:

Friends & close family members are NOT therapists. Although I know they mean well, I think expressions like “call me any time” are mostly just well-meaning expressions…they don’t really expect to hear from you at 3 a.m. when you are feeling suicidal. Likewise, I think it would be really easy to overwhelm a relationship by really/honestly/genuinely opening-up to someone with some of the things that we (SI’ers) deal with. That’s what paid professionals are for. Does that mean the issue is black or white; communicate or clam-up? No, but I just think that a fair amount of caution is called-for when taking someone up on their offer of assistance; be very wary of overwhelming them…

[re-reads this post, and feels like the voice of doom…] Please, I would love for someone to argue with me why I’m wrong here…anyone…?

[badgirl22]

how many times have I heard someone tell me that? I wish I could argue with you but u are right sadly. I hate to admit that though because in college my friends were the kind of friends that were there for me 24/7 but that is how things were in college. Anyway, that is really depressing..
-Badgirl22

[morganbellamy]

*su* *poss trigger*

the thing is, more than anything i just want to tell someone about everything, but i cant take the thought that i am hurting them, or overwhelming them. i think, why add to their misery?
recently,in the past month or so things have got a lot worse, particuarly in the last week i have felt like.. well i dont want to go into it too much but find myself thinking more and more, what is the point? why bother? cos we are all going to die eventualy right? and no one knows how i feel. people know parts of it but there is no one who knows the whole truth and the thing is even if they did what could they do about it? NOTHING.

back to the post.. i find it so hard to trust in people, and confide in them, because once they know deep stuff about you, that can hurt you, then that makes u vunrable, they can use that against you and you can jst end up getting hurt. i cant depend on people. i jst cant do it. and i find that really hard because somethimes more than anything i jst want to be able to trust, and depend on someone but there is no one. there was joe, but i didnt fully depend on him. people can say, 'i'l always be here for you' but at the end of the day, they cant always be there for you, because they will always come first to them. im so tired, not as in i want to sleep, but mentaly and emotionaly exhausted and more than anything i jst want a break. i want to be able to go to someone and for them to put their arms around me and tell me that its all going to be ok and for me to actualy beileve them, and feel safe and assured but that cant happen cos i CANT DEPEND ON PEOPLE

hmm.. re reading that i sound like such a ray of sunshine..

[Guest]

For a long time I used to keep diaries of how i felt and what had happened and stuff. And i let one of my friends read it so that she would know how i could feel awful for no particular reason.

The thing with me, is that i get paranoid that everyone hates me, which makes me low, and then i act all weird and then i go quiet and then they ask whats wrong and then i end up telling them, and then we talk about it, and then they think im fine. And I HATE telling people things as well, basically because they dont understand.

I guess you have to remember that friends are there to cheer you up, have a laugh with, and talk to, and any half descent friend would tell you that they cant do anymore to help other than listen. And i hate that fact. But it's the truth.

I think, that you (skindeep) should maybe one day just tell you're friend that you've maybe no been telling her everything lately and why you havent been telling her. It's a rather pathetic answer that ive given... sorry x

[aimee929]

Friends & close family members are NOT therapists. Although I know they mean well, I think expressions like “call me any time” are mostly just well-meaning expressions…they don’t really expect to hear from you at 3 a.m. when you are feeling suicidal. Likewise, I think it would be really easy to overwhelm a relationship by really/honestly/genuinely opening-up to someone with some of the things that we (SI’ers) deal with. That’s what paid professionals are for.

I wish I could argue, but you are so right... I am also among the older ones here (I think)-- I'm 27, which seems old for SI, esp since I didn't start doing it till I was 22. But before my depression & SI I had never been in therapy or seen any kind of professional. I had just started grad school & met 2 wonderful friends, Jen & Angie, and we just clicked somehow. Pretty soon, we were going out together every night... and it was from Jen that I first heard the notion of SI b/c she used to do it. I never imagined doing it myself though.

Anyway, Jen & Angie told me that I could call them anytime, and I did. I would call them at 2, 3, 4am...a dn they would talk to me. But I was wearing them down and I didn't realize it. I was desperate though, and living in a town where I knew no one else. I started going to therapy 2x a week, but was having trouble opening up to my doctor. Jen & Angie seemed willing ot listen, so they heard ALL my problems.

A few months after we met, I started to become suicidal. My doctor did not want me to stay by myself on the weekends. So one weekend Angie let me sleep on her couch.. and I tried to commit SU while I was there. It was such a wrong thing to do, and it was not fair to make Angie deal with this. But I didn't understand that at th etime.

Angie made me go to my doctor the next day (the suicide attempt was on a Sunday), and that wwas when my doctor told me exactly what you said... that professionals were the ones trained to deal with people like us.

Needless to say, Jen & Angie just couldn't deal with me after awhile. I was too desperate, too depressed, too needy. And so about 3 weeks after the SU attempt, they stopped speaking to me. And our friendship ended.

I didn't speak to them for months... we were never really friends again but we are on speaking terms now... of course, UI haven't seen them in a couple of years. It is still very awkward for me to see them... it brings back a flood of memories. With Angie especially. It saddens me to think how I fucked up b/c Jen & Angie were wonderful friends... but it was the wrong time for anyone to know me.

I have lost several friends to depression and SI... it is a vicious cycle, and I am still struggling with it...

take care,
Aimee

[sanabas]

I tell friends they're welcome to call me any time, and I definitely mean it. Talking to random 'professional', which at 3am is more likely to be a volunteer with not that much training on some sort of phone counselling line, is much less helpful than talking to one of my close friends. And friends who tell me to call any time also mean it, which I know from experience of calling them in the middle of the night.

Small rant about real professionals, went out one night with hockey friends, had been awake for about 48 hours, didn't drink as I was fairly unstable, flipped out very hard, and had gone back to friends house, and she was worried enough to want to call an ambulance. We called mental health crisis team in Canberra, at 3am on Sat morning, and the actual paid professional on the other end told me to 'just go to sleep, and call back tomorrow if it's still bad.' Useless twits.

As for not being real/genuine/honest about stuff because it might overwhelm a relationship, what's the point of having close friends if you can't be honest with them? Some stuff is hard to deal with for me and for friends, some of friend's stuff is hard to deal with for me. But it's much easier to deal with than if I didn't have close friends I could talk to about it.

[aimee929]

I tell friends they're welcome to call me any time, and I definitely mean it. Talking to random 'professional', which at 3am is more likely to be a volunteer with not that much training on some sort of phone counselling line, is much less helpful than talking to one of my close friends. And friends who tell me to call any time also mean it, which I know from experience of calling them in the middle of the night.

You have a point here... I have a couple of friends who told me I could call them at all hours, and they meant it, and I did... and they have been okay with it. Nowadays, I feel guilty doing it unless I'm really going off the deep end b/c I feel like I have worn out my welcome a bit. On the other hand, one of my closest friends is having a really tough time lately... last weekend she did SI for the first time in TEN years... we were on the phone for a long time the other night b/c for both of us, while some of our other friends may know that we SI, none of them actually do it themselves. My friend seemed so grateful that she could just vent to me about it, without having to explain WHY she was doing it... because I already know. We all do. So some friends are really wonderful.

As for not being real/genuine/honest about stuff because it might overwhelm a relationship, what's the point of having close friends if you can't be honest with them? ...But it's much easier to deal with than if I didn't have close friends I could talk to about it.

This is also true. What's the point of talking to friends if you can't be honest with them?? I have a few friends who always tell me that they WISH I would open up more... but they have betrayed my trust in the past, and so I just can't do it. There are other friends I just don't feel comfortable talking to when I am SU or want to SI... it's nice to have them as friends, but I also feel like they don't really know me anymore b/c there's this giant chunk of my life they know nothing about. (I should also say that most of these friends are from college, and my depression didn't kick in until 5 months after college)

I have 4-5 close friends I can talk to when I'm depressed, and 2-3 I can talk to when I'm SU or want to SI...

Friends can be a sticky subject... but I know that without them, I would probably be dead.


love,
Aimee

[coldblood]

You know the people you know better than they know themselves If they said call or talk anytime and they're a sincere person then really enjoy the friendship and contact them they're glad they can listen Sometimes talking something out is the most relaxing Of course professionals are there to help us BUT they aren't always there exactly when we need them Good luck and keep posting I find posting helps a lot

[badgirl22]

wow. I know what you all are talking about. I agree with everythign that has been said here. I guess being that I have trust issues with people makes it harder for me to reach out..and I have been disapointed and hurt so many times by people that I would say 99% of the time I won't call anyone even if I am in a real "crisis" time. And yes..most times the "crisis's" happen way way in the night..so who in their right mind would be ok enough to be woken up then??And if they were, how coudl they help anyway?? What you WANT to do and what you DECIDE to do is reallly up to you no matter who talks to you. IT is YOUR decision and most likly whatever you decide or have in your head up till then won't change with a phone call..I am just very sinicle about all this..sorry.
-Badgirl22

[queenb]

know what u are all talking bout and don't know quite what I think on the subject. I'm licky ib that I have one friend who I really can call at any time, and have done, without her getting fed up of me ( she also happens to be a SIer). But I have others who don't know about the SI but suspect and tell me i can call them whenever but who I'd never ever call, no matter what happened.
I also hppen to have a husband which complicates the situation a bit because I find it really to talk to him and tell him exactly how bad things are. After 4 years with no SI ( longer than our relationship) he thinks I no longer want to do it- I OD on Tues which really shocked him, and now I'm struggling not to cut again (its so hard cos i know it would make me feel better), but I can't tell him that os Im scared as to how he'd react...and wether he'd cope with it or not...
I feel like areal burden to everyone at the moment- they all think I'm temporarily having a problem and willbe better in a few days. I meanwhile just want to be dead. I don't want people to have to cope with me; yet I need to talk to someone...
Any suggestions out there?

[friarygirl]

Replying to Space_man - (btw, I'm MUCH older than you!)

Well, when I say to my d that she can talk to me anytime, I really mean ANYTIME.

When I say I'll try and be there for her, I WILL always try and be there.

When I say I want to help, I TRULY want to help.

I don't care if its 4 in the morning. I dont care if I'm in the bath, or stressed out, or talking to my best friend, or feeling like I'm holding up the sky all on my own.

I'm so far from being a professional it's laughable. But even though I don't always do the right things, I'm ALWAYS there, ALWAYS truly want to help - hell, if you really love someone that's what you just do! I guess it's possible you can overwhelm people, and I'm sure a lot of people do say 'call me anytime' half-hoping you won't - so I suppose you have to be fairly sure your 'personal' supporter does really care about you.

I know I can't help like a professional can, I often do/say the wrong things. But I think she knows I at least will always do my best - it may not be enough, but I will always try.

[Space_Man]

morganbellamy: That’s why this web board is so nice…even though no one here can give you an actual/physical hug, most of us are good listeners—and certainly have a good idea of where you’re coming from.

aimee929: Well, at least you came out of that experience with a bit of wisdom…

sanabas: I will respectfully disagree with you about the point of having good friends that you are unwilling to be fully honest with. IMO, no one is 100% honest with anyone else in the first place (heck, some people aren’t even completely honest with themselves, let-alone others). I don’t think it is necessarily a negative mark against the relationship if one is hesitant to (for example) divulge SI’ing to a friend. To my mind, it is merely a privacy/boundary issue; a good thing, actually...depending on how you look at it.

queenb: You sound like you’re feeling very alone right now. Are you seeing a therapist?

friarygirl: That’s truly wonderful that you are so willing to be of assistance to your friends (just like sanabas is), but I still think that you are an exception to the rule…

[friarygirl]

Well it's nice to be an exception!!!

Actually I'm just a Mum, struggling to understand, and to help my daughter. And I think a lot of Mum's would feel just the same. Maybe you should post this on f&f and see what response you get there!

But even if it was a friend (it would have to be a VERY GOOD friend or I wouldn't attempt to commit to that level of help) i would try and do the same. If I didn't think I could deal with the subsequent demands, I'd never make the offer in the first place, because you should not let people down when they need someone most.

Thanks again Space Man - it's lovely to have a younger man calling me exceptional!

[sanabas]

sanabas: I will respectfully disagree with you about the point of having good friends that you are unwilling to be fully honest with. IMO, no one is 100% honest with anyone else in the first place (heck, some people aren’t even completely honest with themselves, let-alone others). I don’t think it is necessarily a negative mark against the relationship if one is hesitant to (for example) divulge SI’ing to a friend. To my mind, it is merely a privacy/boundary issue; a good thing, actually...depending on how you look at it.

I agree with that. 100% honesty is pretty rare, and being hesitant to divulge stuff isn't a negative mark. I'm sure I'm not 100% honest with my friends, and it doesn't mean it's not a good friendship. The bit I was disagreeing with though, is not divulging stuff and being honest because it might overwhelm the relationship. There's lots of reasons not to divulge stuff, to tell the complete & entire truth, etc. Feeling guilty or uncomfortable about stuff is one of the reasons my brain produces for example. Not divulging SI because you see it as something private is another example. Not divulging it because it might be overwhelming seems silly to me. My friendship isn't conditional on no tough issues being raised, and I'm sure the same goes for my friends, even if I don't raise those issues for other reasons. So I'll say the same thing, just try and make it a bit clearer: What's the point of having close friendships if the friendship won't be able to cope with honesty?

[Space_Man]

…Thanks again Space Man - it's lovely to have a younger man calling me exceptional!

…The bit I was disagreeing with though, is not divulging stuff and being honest because it might overwhelm the relationship. There's lots of reasons not to divulge stuff, to tell the complete & entire truth, etc….Not divulging SI because you see it as something private is another example. Not divulging it because it might be overwhelming seems silly to me. My friendship isn't conditional on no tough issues being raised, and I'm sure the same goes for my friends, even if I don't raise those issues for other reasons. So I'll say the same thing, just try and make it a bit clearer: What's the point of having close friendships if the friendship won't be able to cope with honesty?

You raise many good points, and I understand exactly what you’re saying. In the final analysis, I think this just comes down to who you & I are as individuals. For myself/in my own life, I stand by my position about not divulging SI for fear of overwhelming a relationship…and yet, I very clearly understand why and how you believe a “close” friendship would be able to withstand it. Said another way: I guess I just don’t feel very “close” to many of the people in my life—whereas, you do.

[fillerbunny41702]

Friends & close family members are NOT therapists. Although I know they mean well, I think expressions like “call me any time” are mostly just well-meaning expressions…they don’t really expect to hear from you at 3 a.m. when you are feeling suicidal.

Totally with you on the friends and family members thing.. chances are, if they've made the offer, it's because they care and don't want to see you hurt. They mean well, and they can be a great source of support- but they're not trained professionals.

As far as whether or not calling's okay, I think you have to gauge it based on the relationship in question. Personally, I've lost three close friends to suicide.. what I wouldn't have given to have gotten that 3 am phone call instead, you know? When I tell somebody to call me, I mean it.

Everyone has their limitations. The trick is to know yours and know your friends'. If you need to call somebody, call somebody. If for any reason you're uncomfortable with calling a friend, you can always call your T (if you have one) or a helpline or such.