if you have OD'd i need to talk to you *su*

[Bo]

ive od'd a few times.the first few times no one found me and i didnt end up in hospital but i tell you i felt absolutely awful for days after.
the last couple of times i did end up in hospital.and the staff didnt take to well to an od'er.i was treated like crap.and felt completely crap too.the last time i od'ed, a couple of months ago,was the worst. was unconscious and woke up a few days later with drips in my arm and distraught parents and my poor psych doc by my bed.and i was completely confused and not with it,so it was just a nitemare really.
the look on my mothers face broke me.i had crushed her.and after that i was sent ip for nearly 3 months!
its awful to feel so bad that u will try to die but its more awful to see someone you love in that situation.

[sine nomine]

i'm relly concerned that this thread, though it used to be useful, is becoming a place for people to trade war stories about overdosing. i'm not really comfortable with that, and i'd like to ask that people not go into great detail about their od stories.

deb

[butterflydust]

hmm. well i won't go into detail i promise. but after many lithium OD's, i've spent many nights draped over the toilet, all night long.
it's not fun.
it's not worth it.
throwing up at 3:00 in the morning did not make me less depressed or feel any better.

now, i am scared to take my medicine because i actually have PTSD from those nights spent over the toilet. now, every time i look at my meds i feel physically ill. every day it is a battle to get those things down.

to all of you that are considering an overdose: DON'T. it accomplishes nothing. it is miserable, freaking miserable. you wanna feel sicker than you've ever felt before? you want to have to be all alone in front of a toilet all night long?
NO. you don't. you really really don't.

[invisble kid]

I have over dosed on a lot of things a lot of times but only one was serious enough that they took me in for an attempted suicide and hospitalized me for three days. Those were some of the toughest days I have ever been through and I now hate hospitals I would rather die than go to one again.

[purpleflame]

thank you for starting this thread, 'cos I could kinda use it as well. I tend to think of ODing as the simplest, least painful option, and need reminding that it's not.

_________________
BMW M3

[Scooby-Doo]

Thanx to everyone who submitted their story. I have been struggling with deciding to OD or not, for the past few months. My first SU attempt was a gunshot to the face in which I never lost conciousness. I have been seriously considering the OD way. NOT ANYMORE THOUGH!!
You guys have saved my life without even knowing it ... at least for the time being ... and I only read the first page of replies.

[pleasecatchme]

i don't want to get too into it... i don't want to trigger myself or anyone else, but SUICIDE DOES NOT END PAIN. honestly, you think that you can just take your life and the world will be a better place... but it's not. how would you feel if your partner/sibling/child/parent/neighbour/enemy/cousin/aunt/best friend took their life?

if you kill yourself, it will ruin your mother's life. it will ruin your family. they will most likely follow suit, and kill themselves as well. suicide does NOT end pain. all it does is spread the pain around. how would you feel if your best friend killed themself? imagine what that would do to them...

they would throw away their dreams. sink into a depression... stop eating, bathing, smiling.

my sister's best friend killed herself a couple of years ago and it has ruined her (my sister's) life. she's on disability for depression, she turned down every university acceptance she got sent in the mail. she has no friends, no boyfriend, no job... and she's only twenty-two.

suicide hurts everyone. it's like saying "FUCK YOU" to anyone and everyone that ever KNEW you, let alone loved and cared for you.

how would you feel if your mother, or best friend took their life? do you want to ruin the lives of everyone around you? get help. even if the only reason you live is so that your mom can sleep soundly, LIVE. You will be thankful for it later. I promise.

my mom has been telling me this since i was about ten years old, and it is so true, "nothing is EVER so bad that you should kill yourself. EVER."

i was feeling very suicidal tonight, and was seriously considering an eleventh attempt. thank you to this post that i have decided to go to sleep... and wake up in the morning.

[Twitter Mouse]

I just OD'd a little while ago- and trust me, it doesn't help. I was delerious and sick and halfconcious for two days. They make you rink charcoal, and if you cant, they put a tube up your nose and down your throat. While I don't remember having it done, I heard from Nina and Mom that I was screaming and crying and coughing up blood (since it cut the inside of my throat from me trying to pull away). Having it taken out, I do remember, and it feels like someone dragging a knife along the inside of your throat, and leaves you able to hardly swallow for a few days. The whole eperience (or the bits I can remember) was one of the worst in my life. Now I'm back home, and I may have heart damage. It's something I don't think I'd ever do again, and I hope no one else does either... it's terrible...

[angelic81]

Dear elf, I hope that you are still safe, I recently ODed and my boyfriend found me and had to call an ambulance, I felt so guilty that all I was using up precious time of the paramedics and the hospital staff..I just wanted to not be there anymore. I had to drink warm sticky charchol and have loads of blood tests . I will never forget the look on my mums face when she came to see me and I was hooked up to a drip and heart and oxygen monitiors in ICU. Afterwards in the ward you are not trusted with anything and it feels like you are back in pre school having to wait for your meds to be handed out.and being constantly asked why did you do it.
Although it was a horrible experience I am glad I survived I still have SU thoughts but I hope I never act on them again

[original_kido]

PLease don't it is so aweful there is not much more that I could add to these wonderful responses but wanted to attach my self to all the pro don'ts you have received. Please stay safe, it is much worse than anything you feel now and will regret it if lucky enough to make it through. Don't play with it there are so many other opions.

[sanabas]

Activated charcoal has the worst texture of anything I've ever had. Tastes horrible too, but the texture of it, and the sandy, crunchy bits, is enough to make me shudder typing this, and it's 3 years or so since I had it. And to add to that, black diarrhoea really sucks, and intensive care is really, really boring.

No fun all round.

[finngirl]

hmmm---I od'd when my daughter was 3---that was 8 years ago---in front of her---and I made the 911 call myself---and the police had to take my daughter into a squad until my parents showed up.

when I was in the er and then later in the psych ward I would not look at my daughter---cause I knew I was wrong in every aspect of the situation. I do not know if she remembers any of it--I am not about to ask her---BUT I now have a 3 yo and I know for certain--even when I cry he has to be the little man and take care of me---that is bad enough.

I know for certain now--that no matter what is wrong--no matter how bad the pain is---how lonely I feel---I just reach out and hold one of my kids--they do not deserve that kind of pain--loosing their mom.

Makes me sad just thinking about it

makes a good subject to talk to my t about next time.....

OH---ELF---hope all is going well for you now! (((HUGS)))

[Paradoxis]

*spoiler - little bit graphic*
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They pumped seven litres of water through my stomach first, while taking blood about three times (six times in total over the first 24 hours).

As bad as the pumping of my stomach was, it was nothing compared to the tube they put into my stomach via my NOSE. And they had to take two goes to get it in too. The first attempt nearly broke my nose and it started bleeding all over the place.

I had to be restrained because I was freaking out and refusing treatment. Having people fight with you and hold you still while they stick things into you is terrifying.

I didn't feel it when they put the drip in because I was in so much pain from the other stuff going on. They stripped me to the waist and put all those thingies on me to check my heart, and the machine kept going off and people would come running. Not very comforting.

So there's like about ten people around me, rushing around my half naked body, and my father comes in. I'll never forget the look of horror on his face.

Then they stick the thing up my nose and down my throat so they can get the charcoal in as quickly as possible. It stayed in for 24 hours. I think they put about six bottles in over that first day.

My throat was raw and painful for several days after that. It was agony to swallow.

Lying in the hospital bed all night, unable to sleep, watching the clock on the wall, feeling so empty. I felt all the world hated me, and rightly so. I've never felt more worthless and unlovable in my life.

My mother and brother coming to see me the next day, looking haggard, black eyed and sick, telling me they had rung the hospital the night before and been told I was in a coma (which I was not). They looked more broken and fragile and hurt than I could bear, and it was like a knife to my heart that I had caused this.

Ended up spending three months in the psych ward after that.

The other times I've OD'd, they just gave me charcoal to drink. Diabolical stuff to get down and keep down. And if you throw it up, they just make you drink more, and seem to get a perverse pleasure in watching you struggle with it.

The lack of kindness, only contempt from the nurses. Their open resentment for "wasting their time and resources". Being sent home the next day as if nothing had happened and no one cared whether you live or die. Being treated like you're just attention seeking. WTF????

Shitting charcoal nuggets for about a week is not fun either.

Not something I care to go through again. EVER.

If I were going to off myself now, OD'ing would be my last choice. There are more effective and less painful ways.

Para.

[aimee929]

After reading some of these other stories, my own seems barely worth mentioning. I tried to kill myself on January 16, 2000 (it's hard to forget a day like that) by taking many, many doses of 3 different prescriptions meds that I had (1 was for depression, 1 for anxiety, 1 for a different medical problem). I had only been in therapy for a month, and on meds for a few weeks. Needless to say, they weren't working or hadn't kicked in or something.

It happened at a friend's house, in her bathroom. I locked myself in her bathroom. She caught me, took the pills from me, and then I got them again.

Somehow, I was up all night, sick and throwing up and unable to sleep or eat ANYTHING, but didn't have to go to the hospital. I also protested going to the hospital like youw ould not believe. Looking back, I almost wish I had gone. But I had just started cutting a few weeks earlier & knew I would be found out... and was scared out of my mind.


I wish I could say I am over it, but I know that I have ever tried SU again, I would take pills. I guess I haven't learned my lesson. I am ashamed to say-- and I have never told anyone this-- that whenever I change meds or change my dosage (as the doctor prescribes), I save the old prescription. I think there is some sick of part of me that thinks I need to hang onto it.

Anyway, I can't totally relate to where you're coming from, but SU and thoughts of it continues to be a problem for me.

take care, i will be thinking of you,

Aimee

[Loli]

thank you for this thread. i had been oding for a while, on small things, and have been comtemplating SU for a long time. Your stroes has helped me not to act on what i was feeling

[_MessedUp_]

I spent several hours in absolute agony, i have never experienced stomach pains quite like it before. i got so scared, and decided i didn't wnat to die, but i already thought i was (i'd od on painkillers). in the end i hadnto tell my parents what i'd done so i could get help. i'll never forget the way they looked at me, it was a mixture of dissapointment, anger, hurt, and sadness. i really, really hurt them, trying to look them in the eye after that was near impossible. it was horrible.

[NotWhoIUsedToBe]

I won't go into too much detail here.. For one, I could extract little parts of every story that tells mine or what I have experienced.
Also I will make it my bit of therapy for the night without writing an essay or worse thesis.

- negatives -'s and my scare tactics -

- Knowing that Mum found me, greyish blue not breathing. My skin had creases on it because I had been in the same position for so long.

-realising her shock and panic finding me and trying to get it together to call the ambulance... Not being able to do any resuscitation while on the phone.

- having the ambo come, and I was later to find out, search through my house to try and find evidence of what I had taken. I had put/hid the bottles behind the bin...clever but not smart enough

- Mum also witnessing my blood as I had fallen over many times before passing out.

- becoming conscious in the ambulance, being dumb founded and out of it. If felt like the ride to hospital took forever... I almost registered being bored... but really it was just facing what I had done and just wanting to get it over with, or not facing it or at least try not to think about what I had to come having survived worse than I realised.

- gaps in consciousness and thu awareness of what had happened in as far as me getting to hospital, I woke to see my Mother's and sisters distraught, teary faces. And I drifting in and out, in and out, then one of the faces was my T. It was pretty vague, but I think she asked how I was doing... I think I replied ok.

- only later did the effect of my T showing up have more impact and meaning. For one, I take myself and put myself in her position seeing me as I saw me and as an outsider would have seen me.

- that was days in intensive care as well as 1 or two nights in a regular medical ward, before a long IP stint.

- then there was my mother on this time and/or od's before this being told by the Pdoc that my chances of succeeding were very high. a rough guesstimate was like 10%.. The agony this must as caused her then and in months to follow not knowing if I was going to live or die

- There is the hurt in knowing that at one stage my mother almost
wished I would die because she perceived my pain so great. ... years after this all my mother's grief over me (as well as family and [few] friends).. All the fear and pain I put them through is hard to even think about, let alone even fully comprehend.

- If you are easily emotionally hurt, and /or hurting already, the emotional repercussions are the most painful part of the whole su/od thing.- and nothing compared to any physical pain.

_- the physical side of it, also AWFUL, with charcoal, i.v's, losing consciousness. Losing the right to be responsible for yourself.

- The aftermath and attitudes and responses from medical staff, friends and family, not forgetting your reaction to yourself.



- The positives are very few.-


+ positives +'s

+ I learned my lesson/s the hard way, but have come out a better person for them +

+ I know it would take so much more than I can imagine to get me 'that' close again. +

+ dying is so much harder than living and living has to be worth it I wouldn't be alive, or life itself wouldn't exist. +

Ok exercise finished... it will tonight's entry.

[_MessedUp_]

ur post makes me think about how much life is worth living and how death is not as "easy" an option as many would believe. thanx

[Boris]

Hi,
One of my best friends just OD'd last night. She's ok...but anybody who's thinking of doing it, whether for SU or otherwise, just think about your friends. I'm worried sick, even though she insists that she's completely ok. She had to drink charcoal and was let out of hospital surprisingly quickly, and I'm glad it waasn't worse...but it just kills me to know that she was hurting that much.
Don't do it. Even a "little" OD like what she took is too much. It hurts.

[I Tried To Be Perfect]

I OD'd once. The charcole is awful... And I ended up havin an allergic reaction to something and my neck became swollen. At the time I didn't know it was an allergic reaction and I remember crying to my mom saying 'I don't want to die... I don't want to die... I'm sorry.' The worst part was knowing how bad I hurt everyone else, and then getting put in one of those crazy farm hospitals that never help. I know this is way late but I thought it might help.