posts that make me ponder *si*

[limestone]

there are a few posts around that make me ponder a little.

do you regard self-harm to be more powerful than you are? if so, why?
where does this power reside? how do you access it? if you know how to access it then equally, do you believe it's possible to access the opposite?

can you draw/describe this power or is it untouchable? if it's untouchable how can you and others reach it to be able to feel bettter. e.g. that feeling inside when you're extremely upset and it's in your being - I can't quite describe it. I know what I mean but can't put it into words. like the times when you realise you're on your own because no one can help as you can't explain or others won't understand.

do people have to understand before they can help?

what would happen if you didn't hurt yourself this time? would what you fear happen? if you're not sure, what would you *like* to happen if you didn't si?

do you feel you won't be heard unless you hurt yourself? if so, what other ways could you make people listen to you? what is it that you need them to hear?

if you could name one thing that would improve your quality of life what would it be?

how do you view your emotions: as always one thing or a combination co-existing? do they last for a very long time and change without your control? if not, what happens to them? is it ok to talk about them with others?

what personal message does si give to you? what is it really trying to say, that each time you hurt yourself you think 'omg, i don't want to know, etc' but you know that maybe if you listened to it, it might help?

do you 100% believe that you have to hurt yourself? if not, then how do you manage to believe that you *don't* have to hurt yourself?

how long do you think you have to keep hurting yourself until things will change or feel better? do you want to be part of making the change and feeling better sooner without si? or is si a 'must' to getting to where you need to be?

who and where do you want to be?
how will you get there?
do you believe you can do it?
are you going to do things to make it happen?
or whose support do you need to help make it happen?

do you reckon that people need to go through a period of si to be able to get to where they want and need to be or is there another way or is it ultimately unavoidable?

[silent_scream]

Did you want answers? I gave mine: i dont SI so much anymore though...
Interesting things to think about, seriously... i answered some of thse a bit jokingly, because they were ongoing questions that I could think about for a long time...



do you regard self-harm to be more powerful than you are?


At the time I SI'd more: yes I did. But now I am more powerful than it, it is justsomething I did, not something I am.

do people have to understand before they can help?

I think people have to understand pain in certain degrees to be able to help: I mean: to understand that 'someone is hurting and needs help' should be enough. People have helped me without even knowing I have any problems though. It depends what kind of help you mean.

what would happen if you didn't hurt yourself this time? would what you fear happen? if you're not sure, what would you *like* to happen if you didn't si?

Nothing would happen: the Thing that I am dreading that makes me want to SI will or will not still happen: i'll just have more scars to carry me through it. Nothing would cahnge anyhting by me SI'ing.


do you feel you won't be heard unless you hurt yourself? if so, what other ways could you make people listen to you? what is it that you need them to hear?

I think a lot of people think this. and I used to think it a lot. And it makes a lot of sense to me: because everyone can identify with physical pain: and not everyone can identify with all types of emotional pain.... finding a way to express the pain without physical hurt is hard sometimes: but if we don't practise it: then we can't do it...

if you could name one thing that would improve your quality of life what would it be?

Beans to put on my toast. And a damn chocolate bar. No... I am happy with my quality of life. It is not the best: I have no money, never go out, have no friends and am scared of everything and I'm 7000 miles away from my fiance: and I hate it all: but my quality of life is just fine: I am healthy, I can walk, talk, see, hear, taste, laugh and and sing badly.... And I have a shelter over my head, and food in my fridge.

how do you view your emotions: as always one thing or a combination co-existing? do they last for a very long time and change without your control? if not, what happens to them? is it ok to talk about them with others?

I don't know. My emotions creep up on me and they are a scary thing. I am learning to recognise them and be able to accept how I feel rather than run from it. They do change without my control: and it is something I sued SI and bulimia to control: but now I've stopped those behaviours it is odd to watch how my body sorts itself out after a while just fine. It is ok to tlak to others about them now.

what personal message does si give to you? what is it really trying to say, that each time you hurt yourself you think 'omg, i don't want to know, etc' but you know that maybe if you listened to it, it might help?

Si is saying to me' you deserve to be hurt '. But I am saying to it ' I don't want to be hurt anymore '.

do you 100% believe that you have to hurt yourself? if not, then how do you manage to believe that you *don't* have to hurt yourself?

Because I don't ahve to hurt myself. .... I don't know. lol. I don't deserve it, and i owe my future not to SI.

who and where do you want to be?
Mrs *******s in America.
how will you get there? By plane
do you believe you can do it? Yesm, immigration willing.
are you going to do things to make it happen? Yes I will pack my bags, book a plane ticket, go to interviews, and go to a church at some point.
or whose support do you need to help make it happen? the immigration people, they have to like me!

do you reckon that people need to go through a period of si to be able to get to where they want and need to be or is there another way or is it ultimately unavoidable?

No. People do not need SI. it is a shame that SI happens... and that people do go through a period of SI or a lifetime of SI: and during the time you SI you think you need it: and you get mad at people who say you don't... but everyone I know who has stopped have said they don't need it, and they didn't need it in the first place really: but they knew of nothing else to do.

[littlethings]

do you regard self-harm to be more powerful than you are? if so, why?
where does this power reside? how do you access it? if you know how to access it then equally, do you believe it's possible to access the opposite?

Oh dear, this is complicated. Off meds I do sometimes get to 'magical' thinking about SI (If I hurt myself the cat will stop coughing up hairballs...that sort of thing). But for the most part the power of SI is one of purification. But it's a two pronged thing. On one hand it is like a separate thing that has control over me, but on the other it is very much a part of myself, the only way I have control over it. It is the power of purification. This, by the way, is not how I *want* to feel about self-injury. It is simply how I think of it, these are not healthy patterns of thinking. Logically SI is not a force, nor is it a form of purification. It is an action.

can you draw/describe this power or is it untouchable? if it's untouchable how can you and others reach it to be able to feel bettter. e.g. that feeling inside when you're extremely upset and it's in your being - I can't quite describe it. I know what I mean but can't put it into words. like the times when you realise you're on your own because no one can help as you can't explain or others won't understand.

I have drawn my SI. Not the wounds, the feelings. Usually it looks like a girl (me but because of the following unrecognizable) about 6 or 7. She is covered head to toe in sticky black tar, and sometimes she is nothing but tar, usually choking me. That's the power- or that's the way I describe it. SI is like being stuck in a tar pit. The more I struggle, the more feelings I bring up the surface- so I get stuck deeper in the tar pit and the stronger hold it has on me.

do people have to understand before they can help?

I don't think they have to understand completely- but I do think they have to be trying.

do you feel you won't be heard unless you hurt yourself? if so, what other ways could you make people listen to you? what is it that you need them to hear?

The vast majority of the time I don't tell people IRL when I hurt myself.

thing that would improve your quality of life what would it be?

Living alone. Definitely.

how do you view your emotions: as always one thing or a combination co-existing? do they last for a very long time and change without your control? if not, what happens to them? is it ok to talk about them with others?

It depends on a wide variety of factors. Like medication. Sometimes I am up and down constantly. Other times I go days being realtively normal and days being deeply depressed. I do view them as a combination. Very rarely to I feel 'pure depression. It is more like depression with some guilt and maybe desperation, etc.

I talk about my emotions with others to a certain extent, but I don't like to upset others. My friends don't really know how to deal with me, and when they know I am upset and very depressed it can be stressful for them. So I don't talk about my emotions much, with the exception of the past tense- I will talk about emotions from past events because I don't worry so much that it will affect them.

what personal message does si give to you? what is it really trying to say, that each time you hurt yourself you think 'omg, i don't want to know, etc' but you know that maybe if you listened to it, it might help?

Oh I don't really know. It changes everytime. Sometimes it tells me that I've failed. And I look at my body and see how many times.

do you 100% believe that you have to hurt yourself? if not, then how do you manage to believe that you *don't* have to hurt yourself?

No. I will not physically stop to exist if I don't hurt myself. I may become suicidial, but I do think I am able to curb those impulses, at least avoid taking action on them. But there have been times when I did feel like self-injury was the only thing I could do to feel better- and so then I would not say I needed it, but I did 100% want it.

how long do you think you have to keep hurting yourself until things will change or feel better? do you want to be part of making the change and feeling better sooner without si? or is si a 'must' to getting to where you need to be?

Ugh. I don't know. It would nice to be know. But when I don't SI for more than a week or so (during stress) I tend to start becoming suicidal. I don't know how to get around that, because I can deal with specific urges, and the other emotional fallout. But the suicidal ideation creeps up, and it's too dangerous to let it stay- but I've yet to figure out how else to beat it. It's so insidious, and it leeches the goodness out of everything.

who and where do you want to be?
how will you get there?
do you believe you can do it?
are you going to do things to make it happen?
or whose support do you need to help make it happen?

I want to be me?
By not fucking up quite so much, maybe.
I'm trying. I'm really trying.
I don't know. Mental health wise I don't really have anyone, but I'm going to start DBT soon. So maybe that will help

do you reckon that people need to go through a period of si to be able to get to where they want and need to be or is there another way or is it ultimately unavoidable?

Well, obviously not everyone needs to go through SI to get to where they want to be. Honestly, I don't know that I would be where I am without SI- but I still think that doesn't mean I should depend on it for the future. I just need to work out some of the tricky bits.