*SI*Obsession?

[Jtcg]

*
*
*
*
*
*

So as it is with other addictions, such as alcoholism...sometimes the worst part is the ideation of something...the longing for it, the thought of it that can consume you...

How do you deal with these thoughts? It isn't an urge to cut so much as it is a vivid picturing of it; I can see it happening...it becomes almost an obsession...

Can anyone relate at all?

[soulstory]

I can relate to this... it drives me crazy sometimes!! In my experience, the best way to avoid these obsessions is to distract myself. If I feed into them, they often lead to actual SI.

[Jtcg]

i was beggining to think it was just me!


i do have to distract myself quite a lot.

[plantt]

i can get really visual also. distracting can really help. for me... it helps too... if before/during/etc i really notice & acknowledge what i'm thinking. otherwise to me it feels more like i'm trying to avoid & just run from the thoughts n that makes them worse. but if i say 'ok, i'm having *these* kinds of images. they're upsetting me. they're just thoughts. i don't have to act on them. etc' then it sometimes helps

[Jtcg]

*SI*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*

So the reason i brought this up is because last week at work i "saw" all of my old scars bleeding...it was quite disturbing and i had to take a smoke break, it wasn't a hallucenation or anything...just a vivid imagining...and i haven't cut in at least a year...it is odd those that you don't think will scar wind up being the ones that do

[zani]

that must have been pretty scary to kinda see that! I thought maybe it might be ur unconcious exploring the fact that u haven't s/h in a while and its' way of letting go a bit. Sometimes a person needs to re-visit (not always literally) in order to let go. But that might also be a load of old tosh????
*
*
*
*
trig*
*
*
*
*
*
*

I do however relate big time to imagination of s/h. I find quite the opposite of others that i've just read that in fact if i go into the image in my mind more, i can actually feel whatever it is i imagine and it's like i've s/h but without the actual cuts or scars. I then find i don't need to s/h like i did b4, cos in my mind i already have...? Wierd?? or relate...?
I find i fantasize about some old bigger more major scars. I can almost see beyond the scar and how it was just after i cut. See right into myself and this can be dangerous as i fantasize about doing it again. It is then i REALLY need to pull myself in and use total distraction. I find it hard, in fact never told anyone b4 now, that i fantasize about s/h, cos i don't want pple thinking i don't wanna stop, cos i do, but the thought of being in control but being totally in pieces is exciting???? But i've been in pieces and it was anything but... i just wanted to be me again ..so i know it is just a thought and could never be like that in reality.....sorry went of the post a bit...hope u don't mind 2 much but it felt good to actually say that stuff 4 the 1st time. Thanks

[Firinn Annam]

o man all the time... the longer i go without the more vivid. I like your explanaition like outher addictions and the thoughts consuming... it's soooooo true

[littlethings]

There was a thread sort of about imagining SI I think...It starts out kind of graphic (complete with a bunch of us being amazed that other people do this), then it becomes more about intrusive thoughts and the like. Anyway, I've already put most of my thoughts there, so I thought I'd link it

http://busmail.org/phpBB/viewtopic.php?t=61452&start=0

You are most definitely not alone.

JoAnna

[Jtcg]

JoAnna,

You Rock my world! (in a good way)

thank you!

[solidwater08]

I can completely relate to how you feel.

I was SI free for 3 months, and then all of a sudden, I could just visualize myself cutting, or I'd see bleeding marks on my arms or something and I'd quickly try to hide what wasn't really there...

It was frightening, and I dwelled on it, and then I saw it and I felt it, and all of a sudden it wasn't a vision anymore. It was really there.

So I understand the feeling of obsession.

[pretty]

I can really relate too. The hardest part is the obsession with it, I feel a real longing for si sometimes, and that's hard to overcome.

When ever I don't have something else occupying my mind it's as though it defaults to obsessing about si. Like when I'm falling asleep or just waking up, all I can think about is si'ing, until I'm fully concious and able to think about something else. Especially since I've been trying to quit. Which sound different from what most people above are saying.

For me I've just sort of learned to get used to it, to recognise what's going on and wait it out. Usually I can fix whatever is causeing me to obsess about it, just by distacting myself or making sure I'm not too tired. It's still hard to focus on quitting though when part of me can't think of much besides si'ing.

Anyway, just wanted to let you know that I can relate and how I attempt to cope with it.

[limestone]

...
How do you deal with these thoughts? It isn't an urge to cut so much as it is a vivid picturing of it...

I can relate. For me I tried drawing the mental picture and that brought me relief. That is, I felt I could control whether or not I acted upon what I wanted to do. It moved the focus. Do you think drawing might help you?

limestone

[erinmv]

Wow sort of crazy how I just stumbled into this post...

I've been having a pretty hard time with this lately. I haven't SIed very much in the past few years. Just a few minor incidents here and there. But the past few months I have been absolutely consumed with it. I'm proud to say I haven't done it but I think about it all the time.

But the crazy thing is WHAT I've been thinking about. When I SIed it was never really about blood, it was more about pain. (To be perfectly honest blood freaks me out and makes me want to vomit.) But lately I've been having these really vivid "daydreams" or visions about cutting and it's super violent and out of control (not how it usually is with me). A lot of blood.

Anyway, so yeah I can relate. It's nice to know I'm not alone. I hope you're doing better.

[Spottykins]

I relate with the visual thing. at the moment its consuming me. i can remember back to when i was really bad and the look of my arms and legs. all i think about is doing it to my self.

i tried this recently and it sometimes it works but some time im so obsessed with cutting it doesnt calm me down at all. but i got a paint brush and painted big red lines all over my body. i dont know if it was the feeling of the brush or seeing my self covered in big red marks, but something helped.

[Bathelina]

Yes! I can totally relate!

Whenever I get a bad urge I picture it too, and it's really annoying. I can relate to you completely!

From Hannah :):)

[Jtcg]

You guys are the best


thank you for making me feel not so alone

[danzar2]

yes I have def felt that way efore espessially lately sonce I have been trying to stop.... Ill obsess for the whole night even though nothing is "wrong"

Erin

[Melly]

okay so i'm pretty late on this one, but i kinda get what you mean. I didn't si that majour a few months ago, but now its all i think about, all day, everyday. Thing is, i have to do it worse and worse each time otherwise it doesn't "satisfie" (spelling, sorry) me. Even when i keep myself distracted, the thoughts are still there, in the back of my head. hmm..

[Jtcg]

Melly,
I can relate. It seems to happen in a great number of things in life, you must do more to achieve the same relief. I there are times when i can't drown out the thoughts..they are there...and they get more explicit each time...what matters is that you not *DO* them...

[Bathelina]

YES I can relate. Whenever I get an urge I picture SI. It's pretty scary for me :S

Love,
Hannah :):)