coping: therapy.

[Licentia Poetica]

So... stemming from my earlier post about dealing with emotions and recognising feelings...

Emotion/ behaviour: I have this... need for therapy... it's become my life. I cannot go without it. I count days till I'm "free" for an hour. Everything I do, I do because I imagine myself retelling it to my T. It's almost become my only reason for doing anything at all.

How is this behaviour/emotion bad/good for you?

Well it's good because I feel like there's a point to what I do. Things suddenly have purpose. I feel safe in my T's presence. I feel happier knowing she's hanging round my school somewhere, perhaps wtching me recieve an award, or looking at some artwork I've done. On the other hand, I've stopped living for myself, I've almost lost the essence of me in what I do, everything feels like it has an alterior motive and I almost end up making myself sad or depressed just for the attention of my T.

What would result from you changing this behaviour/stopped being so overcome by this emotion.

I could move forward in therapy instead of playing games. I could use therapy to actually get better rather than a large scheme for acknoledgement. I would start living for *me*, and things would be more purposeful entirely.

What is preventing you from changing this attitude for the better

I'm scared that to change, I have to let go of my T a bit, or even find a new one and the thought terrifys me because her support means just about everything to me right now. I'm scared that I'm not capable of living my life for me, and will find myself not having a purpose, and thus likely to sink even lower than I am now.

...Well yeah.. I gave myself stuff to think about I suppose. *thinks*

[plantt]

who else gives you acknowledgement(positive)?
what could you do to widen that group of people?
have you brought this issue up with your t?

i feel like i'm interrogating

[Licentia Poetica]

who else gives you acknowledgement(positive)?

*tries to be honest* Well... my mum is pretty negative about everything, and she's pretty much my only family that I speak to on a regular basis. My friends give me encouragement, but I don't feel I can ask for it, so sometimes if I feel insecure about something, I just don't get the support I need IRL. But at the same time it feels like my T's encouragement means a lot more than that of my friends... I don't know why. I think I've placed her in a "parent position", which sounds pretty weird to me, and also seems pretty hard to get out of.

what could you do to widen that group of people?

I could talk to my friends more.
Stop feeling guilty about asking for support.
Perhaps, I don't know, call my old T when I'm feeling particularly down.

have you brought this issue up with your t?

Yes, I have. She knows I'm pretty dependant on therapy, and I've spoken to her about this. She wants me to see another T somewhere outside of school seeing as my old youth T left her work... And she said she'd help me to stop being so dependant (see her less often, etc) but I'm terrified of all this. My problems are that I'm dependant on *her* not simply *therapy*, but if I want to go about fixing the problem, I tend to distance myself from *all therapy* not just *her*.

*sighs*

i feel like i'm interrogating

*shrugs* lol thanks.

[Tamrick]

Hi, its great that you are thinking these kinds of things through. Here are some more questions?

What do you hope to achieve from therapy - short and long term.
Have you explored who you are in therapy?
What were your dreams and goals and what are they now? (again short and long term)
What can you work on in therapy that will be more helpful than retelling stuff to your T?
Are there ways you could acknowledge yourself
- eg give yourself presents, write in a journal about your accomplishments, send yourself a letter, invite people to celebrate with you etc

Tamrick

[Licentia Poetica]

What do you hope to achieve from therapy - short and long term.

This is usually what gets me. Short term goals over-prioritise. See short term is getting by, stopping me from crashing, etc. Long term, well I suppose my goal is to get better. But that seems so clouded right now.

Have you explored who you are in therapy?

Who am I? Well, I still don't really know. I'm some kind of a teenager, stereotyped by society, very ambivalent, and trying to fit myself into some kind of category, which unfortunately for the moment means "screwed up".

What were your dreams and goals and what are they now? (again short and long term)

My dream is essentially to be happy. But I just have no bloody idea how to get there. And happy means so many different things to different people, in different times, different places. I get so confused.

What can you work on in therapy that will be more helpful than retelling stuff to your T?

I suppose this gets into the more long term stuff. But until I get my short term stuff sorted, I can't seem to work on talking about anything but the immediate crisis I happen to be in that week. And knowing my life and myself, I'm always in the middle of some crisis or another.

Are there ways you could acknowledge yourself

Yes, there are. I try sometimes. In fact I try a lot, but sometimes I'm so down, well actually most of the time, I really don't care enough to do any of that. If I could feel better in general, well I suppose I could work on encouraging myself, but at the moment, it's "survival" time. Only I seem to have been stuck in that moment for about 6 years...

*sighs*

Ack I've had a crap day. I might think more about these questions later.

Thanks Tamrick.

[plantt]

i think your goal must be to get better... to find out what 'being happy' means & involves for you... or i dunno why you'd bother even thinking this through...

for me... once in awhile if i can get myself to just agree to assume... that i *do* want things to change & all... even though i'm not really believing myself at the time... then i can think 'ok... if that's my long-term goal... then in *this* situation what's most effective short-term...'
i know what you mean... for me very often the short-term overshadows any long-term stuff. it's hard to keep going once your reasons don't seem to hold. i'm working(& not getting too far yet) at learning to act even when my reasons seemingly aren't there for me to hold to.

usually(i think) for me(sorry i'm going with the 'attempt to make some sense through relating' theory rather than the 'interrogation' bit atm )... i've found that when i repeat myself... retell things... etc... it's when i don't feel heard. when i don't feel validated. when i don't feel real. etc. ideally i think it's a matter of learning to do that for myself... i do believe that everyone needs some validation & listening from others... but i do think it's necessary for me to be able to do that for myself too. for now though... sometimes it just helps me to notice *why* i'm doing things. then think through short vs long-term helpfulness.

maybe very purposefully set aside a time in therapy for you to work at *not* retelling things. to work toward long-term things.
would it be possible to find a different t... while still seeing your current t?

[Licentia Poetica]

*nods* I completely agree with all that..

i'm working(& not getting too far yet) at learning to act even when my reasons seemingly aren't there for me to hold to.

That's hard that. Really hard. I know I have to try, but yeah... it's so difficult to go against your mood and work for the better, because in that mood you're not sure if it's worth it, or if there is ny 'better'.

would it be possible to find a different t... while still seeing your current t?

Was seeing youth T for a while, then she left her organisation. I 'drop in' on her sometimes but it's nothing formal. School T wants me to see someone at the hospital. I'm exceptionally against that idea. Don't know why.

*sighs*

[plantt]

School T wants me to see someone at the hospital. I'm exceptionally against that idea. Don't know why.

would you be willing to try it... even though you're against the idea?

[Licentia Poetica]

would you be willing to try it... even though you're against the idea?

because we all know plantt is very courageous with this aspect of self determination

*sighs* Well. I suppose I'm willing to try it. I'm not totally against it, it just seems like a waste of time. I have my school T, she's pretty bloody amazing. I still see my old youth T every now and then...

I'm scared of new people, and if I really thought about it, frankly I don't have the time.

...and I'm too scared they'll tell my mum or make me se a doctor or both - I don't know where I stand with someone new... (especially this organisation at the hospital)

So yes. I don't know where this is going.

[plantt]

it might seem pointless... but it sounds like your current t thinks it might be worth trying... & you sound like you trust your current t...

...and I'm too scared they'll tell my mum or make me se a doctor or both

*nods* can understand that. what about asking your t about that... how likely it'd be that would happen... whether or not you or she could find out about that beforehand... maybe have current t talk with any potential t about it...
what would you lose from trying it?
in order to shift away from the original problematic behavior in the first post... what else could you try? in order to shift from 'therapy=retelling day to t' to 'therapy=find what you believe happiness to be & move toward it'

[Licentia Poetica]

I suppose you're right. *thinks she may be too used to being stubborn*

If she brings it up again, I'll consider it.

*wonders what happiness looks like*

Thanks for all your help by the way