bus

jed · Post by **jed** » Sun May 30, 2004 1:05 am

I was just wondering what made you self injure the first time you did. and how did you get the idea to do it?

nirvana · Post by **nirvana** » Sun May 30, 2004 3:04 am

the first time i cut myself, i was frustrated and angry, and tired of fucking up. so i felt like i deserved to hurt. and i found what i needed, cut, and never felt so relieved in my life. then i was hooked.

i'd had friends who si'd, so i knew about cutting. i had never really considered it before, didn't think i understood it. but i didn't have to understand it to know that it helped.

now i wish i knew why i still si'ed.

good question, though.
love, tara.

Shortie Blonde · Post by **Shortie Blonde** » Sun May 30, 2004 3:29 am

I cut the first time for a lame reason. It was two days before the last time I went to spend time with my bestfriend (like the end of february, i'm trying not to get addicted to it). I was planning on spending the night down in Boston at his apt with him...my dad said no. We didn't know any other way our plans would work out and I got really fustrated, in more ways than one. We worked out a plan the next day.

It wasn't even like deep or anything and the scar's practically gone now. I promised Teddie the day I saw him that I'd never do it again and I broke the promise after I broke up with my (regretably) broke up with my boyfriend.

darkrose · Post by **darkrose** » Sun May 30, 2004 4:11 am

The first time that I cut was a little more than a year and a half ago. My mom had found lump on her neck and had to go have it tested. Her doctor had told her that there was a 75% chance that it was cancerous. The day I cut was the day that she told me about the 75% chance. I was afraid and I wasn't able to sleep and I was mostly just afraid for her. That night I woke up crying and I found a razor in the bathroom.
I had watched Seventh Heaven like a year before that and there was this one episode were one of Lucy's friends is found cutting in their bathroom. It never occured to me as something that I could do. But that night I was feeling so sad and afraid and so I cut.
I'm not sure why I've kept cutting. It turns out the lump my mom had found turned out to be a thyroid problem that can be fixed with pills. I have kept cutting, and the reason is not at all clear to me why I have kept cutting.

-darkrose

Orange Crush · Post by **Orange Crush** » Sun May 30, 2004 12:27 pm

I hurt myself before cutting. It started off with banging my head against the wall, punching the wall, picking scabs etc.

I don't remember the first time I cut. It was about the time of my mock exams. I don't remember much anymore. I think I've blocked most of it out.

yellowdreams · Post by **yellowdreams** » Sun May 30, 2004 3:24 pm

self hate/ loathing. As to what cause that I don't know as it was about 11 years ago. I'm guessing, I felt ugly or useless for some reason. Probably something as trivial as a boy not fancying me.

Been lots of different reasons since then however.

Kimi

Sammy · Post by **Sammy** » Sun May 30, 2004 11:40 pm

i still don't remember when exactly it was, only that we were going through another fucked up time with my step dad (who my mom is now divorcing thank god!)...and i guess it was just everything....i read a lot so i'd known what cutting was for a long time......i saw that episode of 7th heaven too, but that was a while after i'd started...
i guess i finally couldn't handle it anymore, saw one of my safety pins and went from there......don't use them anymore though....

Sammy

riley9121 · Post by **riley9121** » Mon May 31, 2004 7:05 am

I dont know why I initially started to cut,(most of the "old" scars are healed) but i remember why I started up again. I stop cutting for awhile while i was college. About a week after I moved back home my great-grandmother, who I was close to passed away. It didnt hit me till the weekend came when I was suppose to drive down and see her. I came home from a nite out with friends to help get my mind away from her death. I was about 2 im the morning, I was lying in my bed crying and that didnt seem to work. Went into the bathroom looking to OD to be with her, lukily the pills where in a different cabinet. I found a razor blade and sat there on a rug cutting myself. Every time I cut its for a different reason. Yet it feels weird tracing back when I first cut...

wondercheese · Post by **wondercheese** » Wed Jun 02, 2004 7:19 pm

This should probably have a spoiler on it for bullying/ peer abuse.

I was 12. So I had been enduring about 6 years of abuse from my peers in school. It started in about 1st grade. At first, I was just an ignored outcast, which was fine, because I prefered my own company, but then they started actively teaseing me, because I would spend my whole recess spinning in circles, or twirling on the bars, and nothing else. Later other kids started beating my up. We moved in when I started 7th grade and things were getting better. I had made a friend! She was as weird as I was, but unlike me, she wanted desperatly to be popular. A month or two into the shcool year, she turned on me. She started spreading rumors about things I suposedly said about classmates and mean stuff I'd done to her that I hadn't done. Anyway, she managed to turn the entire 7th and 8 th grades against me. It was starting all over, the beatings in the hallway, having to hide at lunch. Anyway, our math teacher noticed that we weren't gettnig alone and pulled us into the hall to see what was going on. I was pretty dissociated most of that year, but attention from a teacher was enough to make me really dissociated. She talked awhile, then left us alone in the hall to "work it out". The other girl, my ex-friend, was crying about how mean a friend I was. The little voice in my head was telling me that I wasn't human and I need to prove that. My swiss army knife was in my pocket. I went to the bathroom and started trying to cut myself, the blades were all too dull, I had to use the saw. I didn't really get much blood that frist time, but I still ahve the scar. Since it worked so well, I just kept doing it.

lazisma · Post by **lazisma** » Thu Jun 03, 2004 4:51 am

I started at 8. I'm 32 now. My dad went to work one night and was hit by a car. So badly that Mom overheard the docs making bets whether he'd live the night - they were actually exchanging money, in front of her! I was daddy's girl at the time. So I started sleeping in his bed, in his hunting cap. I remember the room was so dark and dreary. there was a pen knife on the bed. Guess he used it for mechanical stuff he'd pitter with in his room before bed. I wa fiddling with it and crying and it slit me accidentally. The sadness was replaced by curiosity and a moment of relief.

Dad came home alive body wise, but a dead, angry soul.

At 11 my PopPop died - first death in my life and I loved him so much - still do. I took a razor of his and cut thinking if I just did it, I'd have him in me. . like DNA or something. Made sense at the moment. MomMom followed him 10 months later. She was being considered for life support and my mom asked ME what to do. . ME?!?!? at 12 years old? I opted to "not make her a robot" and she died. Cut again.

13 thru 19 I fell madly in love with a man I thought was my world. Ended up he was gay and, although he "loved me the best he could", I was a mere cover for him. Cut again.

21, first intimate experience, left me ill with a dose of herpes. I thought I was doing it right - had him HIV tested (I was a vigin, he was soooo not). The test bought the virus out and I got it. cut again. The same year my best friend whom my world revolves around almost died due to kidney failure - again, the cut

23 I'm marrying the aforementioned man and 5 months prior my favorite cousin died in a car crash. A trip I was supposed to take with her. Still not over it and it's heading for 10 years now. Cut again. Got married anyway, fell apart needless to say.

Divorced and fell into a relationship with a man who, once he was in my life, no longer saw me as a human. Renamed me Whore, hit me, slapped me, abused me mentally, emotionally and physically. Razor blades in legs at that time.

It stopped. . . .

Then recently mom fell very ill and is in and out of hospital monthly on death's door. She called me insane when I asked that we both go, togehter - so not to single her out and show unity - and said "you're the F*&^%$# lunatic, you go - I'm fine. I blacked out and grabbed the knife and cut. Sharp knife, easy cut. My sister snapped me out and now I've relapsed. I'm dissociating and depersonalizing and cutting again.

So that's how it started with me. Where itends, only the Gods know.

Diamond Dog · Post by **Diamond Dog** » Mon Jun 07, 2004 12:02 am

azisma-My father also died when I was 11 and that's when I started SIing.

Immeadiately after(we're talking 3 or 4 weeks) my mom started seeing my dad's "best friend"

and when I found out I freaked I started hitting myself in the head and one night when my mom ignored me hitting myself in favor of him I cut and wrapped it up in a yellow scarf she had once given me.

Reflections · Post by **Reflections** » Mon Jun 07, 2004 2:39 am

can't remember & don't know.

Priceless · Post by **Priceless** » Mon Jun 07, 2004 10:47 am

first time i wanted to feel pain outside insted of inside, something to remove the focus on the pain inside.

Say no · Post by **Say no** » Wed Jun 30, 2004 12:11 am

The first time i ever cut myself was after i found out my best friend was doing it. I moved 2 yrs ago to where i live now and she still lives where i used to live and i felt like a bad friend to her. Since i lived out of the state i felt like i couldn't help her enough. It didn't help that she wasn't telling anyone at the time except me. So i started to look for ways to cope with it all. First i tryed drinking a little, but it just didn't work so then i started thinking about cutting and i would almost feel better just thinking about doing it. Then i just broke and couldn't control myself anymore.

Post by **sine nomine** » Wed Jun 30, 2004 3:14 am

thank you guys for not going into too many details about how you did it. i'm glad to see the focus on feelings and i hope that anyone else who responds to this thread will keep that focus.

deb

Wall · Post by **Wall** » Thu Jul 01, 2004 5:27 am

**
**
** possible SA/SI trigs
**
**
**
**
**
**
**

This is always a hard question for me. I've picked at my skin since I can remember. The first time I can remember intentionally injuring myself was when I was about 14 or 15 (I'm 39 now). I was sad and lonely. I don't know that I could have articulated a reason at the time. I was fascinated with fire and was playing with candles in my room. After accidentally burning myself, I decided to do it intentionally.

The first time I cut, I was in a relationship with an abusive BF. He would verbally berate my sexual performance and the way my body looked. I knicked myself shaving in the shower and decided to try cutting myself.

Re-reading my post, it appears that carelessness/accidents led me to SI. I'd never realized that before.

snowangel_03 · Post by **snowangel_03** » Thu Jul 01, 2004 4:44 pm

Broken and Sad wrote:first time i wanted to feel pain outside insted of inside, something to remove the focus on the pain inside.

*nods*

Was feeling very lonely and depressed, and called my (at the time) best friend. She was "very in love" with her (now) husband, and wasn't really helpful. Was something along the usual lines of "You'll find someone, Bellay, but you'll always have me, and we'll grow old and have saggy babylons together". We laughed a lot at that, tho I didn't find it funny any more.

After I'd hung up the phone, I felt worse. I felt so much pain inside me and I just wanted to stop that or create physical pain to cancel out the inner pain. So I cut.

spaz · Post by **spaz** » Fri Jul 02, 2004 3:38 am

The first time i cut was for attention.plain and simple. It was october of my senior year of high school- only about 9 months ago. it was a cut with a razor on the back of my hand. but as time went on, i started doing it and hiding it. Everytime i got upset i would cut. i've used everything. I've done it everywhere on my body. now i am addicted.

depressedgrl666 · Post by **depressedgrl666** » Wed Jul 14, 2004 2:10 am

i got the idea to cut when i was stressed out because all of my other friends were cutting and i wanted them to stop. i got so stressed out i cracked and had to let out the frustration, and anger i felt. i couldnt tell my friends i was mad at them cuz i cant let out any emotion, its like a wall i cant brake down. . . .

. . . . .

musicals_rule · Post by **musicals_rule** » Wed Jul 14, 2004 5:33 pm

Hmmm well it was about 6 weeks ago ish ...id been thinking abuot stuff thats happened in my life ...mum was killed wen i was 5 ...and why did i deserve this... etc and stuff and then stuff now happening in my life is a bit hard and confusing and so i guess i just did it ...i think i was in tears too ...wen i started ..it was every day ...now im trying to stop ...ive gone 13 days

bus

why

why

My story.

Who is online