bus

I want to kill myself so badly right now. But I probably won't. I guess I don't have the guts. How did life get this bad? How did I rack up this much pain? What can I do to make it go away?

Because I resisted the urge to say all I wanted to say in anger. Actually I still am resisting it. Hence the visit to bus, need distraction.
I'm also proud of myself for lookin for distraction rather than cutting or giving into anger.

This is making me not feel love. Its making my heart hurt with anger and pain. I do still love you, but I don't feel love right now. I only know I love you because I care that I don't feel love, because I still do care about you-if you're ok and about your wellbeing, I still think of you like I did ...

I'm really hurting, I don't think you know how much. Do you wish I would just keep my mouth shut and go with it, even though it hurts me, makes me uncomfortable and I'm not at all OK with it?

My fiance Jared.
The little bit of self respect I do have left.
God.

Pissed off. About to cry. So angry I'm shaking. So so so so mad!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA...

**possible triggers I feel like killing myself. I think about it a lot. The only 2 things that stops me is that I don't know for sure I'd still go to Heaven and my that it would really hurt my mom. She doesn't deserve that. Itd be so easy though. I'm not stable. Gee what would make me think that?

because its summer and i want to be able to wear dresses and sandles without giant cuts on my ankles

Right now I hate my fiance. Maybe I dont actually hate him but I certainly don't feel any love. Will I ever again? 6/27/08 Actually I love my fiance, when I wrote this we were fighting. It was anger I was feeling, not hate. I didn't feel love because anger was taking up all the room. I am so honored...

horribly depressed

I'm more sad than I thought I would be. I miss you. Actually no I don't. I don't miss you. You kinda treated me like shit, made me feel bad about myself and you were bossy as hell. So no, I don't miss you. I miss the idea of being in a relationship. I miss what I wanted our relationship to be, but i...

I think i'm delaying the inevitable. I know we will end up breaking up. Well at least I'm 99.9% sure. I feel like I would be settling with you. I know I deserve better. I know I deserve a guy who doesn't lie to me, look at what you're looking at, say some of the things you've said to me or treat me ...

Something doesn't feel right. I'm not sure why.

I slipped. I don't even know how I feel right now. Sad I guess. I love Jeff so much....soooo much. It hurts me so bad that I hurt him. I am so sorry but I had to do what I had to do. I don't want to break up but I just really don't think this is meant to be, despite how we feel. Jeff I'm so sorry. P...

I did what I know God wanted me to. Or, rather I'm in the middle of doing what He wants. Can't say as I like it though. But it did take a lot of strength so I'm proud of myself for doing it even though it hurt.

**possible triggers**

I want to slip. I can feel the place on my ankle right now. Hes the only reason I dont, the only reason. Man I want to so bad. But I won't.

talking about this weekend makes me mad because you dont want me to go. you say not to take that personally but how can i not take that personally? i mean seriously. it especially makes me mad because i think youd be fine if some of your friends said they wanted to go. whatever. save me from listeni...

I still gets those lows where I feel like crap. Just like I do right now. This is when I want to cut. I can't even describe how I feel. Empty, bored, sick....heck I don't know just bad. I hate this crap. Why do I feel like this? Why do I want to cut? I have what I want in my life, most importantly I...

O hell no, you did not just lie to me about that. I'm so pissed at you right now and you just made it 10x worse. I mean I knew you would lie but it still pisses me off.