bus

Yeah, PFD!!

I'm proud for eating lunch, for using DBT skills to get through my downtime this afternoon (instead of running straight back to the hospital! ) and for having a nap that was just the right length.

Also, for dealing with my ginormous email inbox!
-Lycander.

1) If you could paint the room you're in now to match how you're feeling or to what's going on in your life, what would it look like? I don't have the energy to paint. Unfinished drywall. Unmade mattress. Duffel bag of mixed up dirty clothes in the corner. Dirty window. I'd sweep the floor, though....

* Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point? I feel stupid. I feel like I can't keep myself quiet; SI helps me shut my mouth. I fucked up with Ian. I yelled at him in the car yesterday on the way home from a gig; now he, and his girlfriend, are really mad at me. On top o...

Hi. Me here. I want to not cut. I want to SI, too, often. But, ultimately, I want to not cut. I need to not cut. I want to play viola. I want to paint. I am a good violist. I am a good artist. It's been 5 months, 3 before that, not that I'm counting... It gets easier. Then it gets harder. Today's ha...

So -- 1. It's been about 35 days since I last SI'd, not that I'm counting. 2. I've been real close since about Tuesday, and Wednesday I finally gave in and bought a tool (I'd gotten rid of everything hazardous a while ago.) 3. I don't really want to admit I'm close, but it's worse when the SI "sneak...

Hi, Tatty. I read -- really, all of it! -- and ... ... I'm sorry it's confusing, and good luck. I'm not in a safe enough space to respond much, and Mab's doing such a good job, but I just wanted to send my well-wishes. (For me, staying safe and real sometimes means getting away from words and going ...

Thanks, Nat! Focus is a biggee for me. Sometimes drawing works. I'll use your suggestions and work on learning to focus without needing the intensity of cutting. Last night, I managed to procrastinate through -- folded laundry and read and emailed a bit -- and didn't SI. Feeling much less urgey this...

thanks for letting us know --
good luck to you.

pm me if you ever want,
-lycander

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself? -like scratching an itch... i just want to do it! i'm tired of saying no. there's a certain place i've been eyeing for weeks -- i like my scars a lot, but i'm an artist and like the lines to be balanced and beautiful, and there's a place th...

i really want to cut. i've been going so well lately except for yesterday when i cut deeply on my hand, but it's like i'm an alcoholic thats got a taste for vodka. i need to do it. hmm... know the feeling... i have a few friends who are (sober) alcoholics, and it's scary how much their descriptions...

If you're concerned about not needing it, do you think the stressors that prompt SI won't be present, or just that the feeling that SI needs to happen will be gone but the intensity of feelings will still be there? I don't know... hmm... I think it's some combination of the two. You'd think I'd wan...

Who would I be without SI... No such thing, eh? I mean, I'll have these scars forever, though they may fade somewhat. I'll always have had these years; not sure I'd trade that. Dealing with SI has taught me a lot of patience for other people and a new way to look at people's situations. When I final...

Thanks, too, dragonfly! The strength question is a really big one for me. It helps when people remind me that I have to be at least as strong to *not* SI as to do it. I remind myself that it's a cool skill to be able to slip into that alternate state, but that it's not really healthy, long-run, and ...

thanks, mallie, for the reply -- i'm going to try answering some of your questions -- That you wont need it, or that it won't be available to you? Weirdly, the former. I don't quite understand it -- hmm... Have you tried writing a pros and cons list of what SI does for you and why it would be good t...

have you taken care of your physiacl wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait. --Yeah, this happened last night. It's okay. Thanks for waiting. what had happened just before? --I was watching a movie. That day I had been reading "A Bright Red Scream," and looking for a job. what were you thinking ...

sometimes i like being in a new place -- i make new friends right away, and since they don't know all about my past, i can be "normal" in their eyes. that lets me be "normal" with myself, too. in a new place, i try to enjoy the superficial friendships i make -- not everyone has to be a bosom buddy! ...