bus

philosophical.
anxious.
like hurting myself to make my brain slow down.

panicky under the surface, but numb from everything else.
shaky.
upset.
hurt.

frustrated.
like a failure.

like searching for something sharp.

I wish I could cry. I'm too panicky.

anxious.
panicky.
shaky.
upset.
scared.

like i want to si for the first time in years.

out of control.

spinning.

anxious.
upset.
hurt.

overwhelmed.
not wanting to hurt you, but thinking that i probably have to.
anxious.
tired but unable to sleep.

anxious.
worried about hurting you.
afraid of failing more.

fat.
depressed.
anxious about money. and school. and life.

anxious.
overwhelmed.
upset.

lazy.
fat.
unmotivated.

exhausted
prayerful
more hopeful than i've been in the last few days

anxious
fearful of my father
like i need something good to happen. anything. please?

anxious. panicky. unfocused.

Because once I start again, I'll have to go through the stopping process again. I'm not sure if I can do that again.

I love you.

... and I'm worried I'm heading towards old habits again, I'm not sure how long I can hold off.

I really care about you. I do. But I worry that if she really wanted to try and make something work, I'd have to go back to her. She was my first, and I don't know how to have her hold less power in my imagination.

anxious about my midterm
panicky about the future

I miss you, but I can't stand the thought of being back with you. And I will never tell you either of those things.