bus

Want to die.

Want to show him how much him keeping me alive is hurting me.

Want to make him sit with me 24 hours a day if he's going to make me fucking put myself through this.

Hate myself for being a selfish whore and feeling like that...

It is because you're too busy to help most of the time. And I think that hurts more than complete rejection - that's why I try to push you away. And... yeah... sometimes I wish you didn't have a life. 'Cause I don't. And I know that makes me possibly the most selfish person in the world but... I'm h...

I wish he would act like he cares instead of just saying it

desperate. alone. panicking. can't cope. can't cope can't cope.

I won't pretend I'm not having a really bad time of it just now. I'm constantly aching and hurting inside, and every now and then I get completely overcome by the serious urge to die. And I keep the means to do so in a drawer in my room (yes, I know that's not safe, but I need to have it there... so...

*comments ok*

I wish he would realise how serious I am about this. If he would just know and let me know there's another way, then... I think I could change my mind...

I... I'm still not over it. And as much as I love you and want you to cuddle me until I stop crying... a part of me still can't forgive you. I think a part of me still hates you.

Why the FUCK can't you just be home and here for me and not have people staying with you when I need you this much?

I don't get this bad often, I just wish you could really be here to cuddle me, because your texts, however lovely, really mean fuck all.

If you can, try to work out what self harm would have achieved for you in different situations, and from there look at replacements. For example, when you were angry, did you s/h to physically work out this anger? If so, try to think of other physical ways to vent your anger - punching a pillow, run...

i am... Stronger than I believe. More in control than it seems. i am not... Alone. Broken. Trapped. i feel... Lonely. Relatively calm. i want... Him here. i need... To know it will be ok. i have... Friends. Some may not be here, but that's not because they don't love me. They'll be back in time and...

I miss you, desperately. And I need you maybe even more than I miss you. There's hardly anything I wouldn't give right now to have you here with me; to be able to cry into you, to have your arms around me, to have you stroke my neck in that way you do, and tell me it's going to be ok. Tell me you lo...

*comments fine - PM*

I know for a fact that all three of the girls that I've been "involved" with have just used me as a sexuality experiment.

I just don't know if they realise it themselves.

And sometimes it hurts me.

*comments fine*

*su*

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I can't be sure if I'm more afraid of him killing himself because I love him and want him to be happy, or because I am a selfish bitch and I need him in order to go on with my life.

If he goes, he takes me with him, and I mean that seriously.

*comments fine - pm*

I'm terrified of summer. No school means that I can literally sit at home and tear myself apart for a month. I have nothing to force me out, and I'll probably end up too scared of rejection to try to organise doing stuff. Eek.

When you're not here, I cry for you, even though I know you won't be thinking about me.

*Comments are fine-PM*

*su*


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- Sometimes I'm on the edge of suicide, but I don't do it... just in case I get it wrong, like I do everything else.

I wish you were here.

And I wish that you being here would help.

This time, love isn't going to be enough. I'm sorry.

So, so, so alone.

loved by one
hated by another