bus

of course we weren't fine... of course we needed you... you wanted to believe that we were managing, and so it was easy to lie to you... but you didnt help... and now I'm not sure how much I can trust you :/

your attitude has really dissapointed me.. i thought you were different, but maybe you're just like the rest of them after all.. :L

fuck this hurts.. and i wish i could explain it to you, and i wish you were able to make it better.. i hope that your claims to care for me are not empty, but are real, cos i need you right now..

there is genuinly no way i would be where i am now without your support and encouragement.. i just wish i could tell you that...

im finding myself thinking more and more about SI again... i know i cant go back there, i know that i wouldnt be able to get back out again.. i know that its not as appealing as my head thinks it will be.. but the urges are still there, and i dont know how to cope with them.. im trying to just ignor...

i think im going to miss you this weekend..

please help me.. please..
please be there to listen, and care, and talk me through this.. please dont judge me..
please..?

i want to tell you.. i want to be honest with you, i want to be able to trust you.. but in the right context.. i want to tell you as a friend, rather than you having to know because it is damaging people. i love that your getting to know me better, i love that i can be honest with you. if you were t...

i dont know what to do...

i need to talk to you.. i need to ask you to be gentle in the meeting.. i need to make sure you do care.. i need your encouragment.. please.. i need to talk..

im so scared.. because the paranoia i feel around you isnt normal.. it is wrong.. we used to be so close, now whenever im around you, im paranoid that you will leave me, that you will walk away.. i want you to be mad at me, cos i can deal with that, i can understand it if you are mad at me.. and i ...

please be nice tomorrow.. please, just be nice to me, for once dont embarras me, dont humiliate me, dont put me down.. and dont trash talk my family.. sure, i dont like my rents, but dont complain about the way they brought me up, it isnt their fault.. you know nothing about me, so please just dont ...

please.. please...please dont do this.. the last time something like this happened i didnt cope, and that memory has haunted me ever since.. i really dont know what i would do should this happen, im panicking at the thought of it.. i cant imagine what it would be like if you went through.. please.. ...

just so you know, the idea of turning up on sunday scares me shitless.. im so fucking terrified, and you dont have a clue.. i hope you see behind the smile, and realise how much its going to cost me to turn up and be happy and pretend things are still OK..

im so so scared... :L im falling apart and i cant gain control again.. i hate the road im going down, but i dont know how to stop it, i dont feel like i have any control over anything anymore.. i dont know whats happening to me, and its fucking terrifying..! :'(

im so sorry, for everything.. please know that i do care, i dont deserve you, which is why im not fighting it.. i dont want you to hurt, its been hurting me too for so long now.. i wish i knew how to fix this, i wish there was a way.. but i dont deserve you, you could do so so much better, i dont u...

i feel alone, and confused, and i dont know who i am anymore...

im so glad i saw you today.. made me smile so much


and... im sorry im not good enough for you anymore.. i cant tell you whats going on, im sorry, i wish that i could, but its confidential stuff..
i hope one day you'll forgive me for all this..

im not coping with all this... :'(

if imma go see you tomorrow, please please be nice.. please notice me, please give me a smile to show that you care, that you can see how much this hurts.. please.. i trust you, i dont know why, but i do.. and you, im so scared of seeing you again on sunday, im in an even worse place than last week,...