bus

I'm not in danger of actual SI right now, but I'm feeling shitty as hell, so angry I can't see straight, and urgy as hell. I haven't been to this board in so long, but somehow remembered it just now and figured writing here would help. how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself? what...

You were right, but I can't admit that to you. At least not yet. I'm tired. I don't want to go round and round on this because I don't believe my points are entirely invalid. I'm still seeking balance, regardless of what you may believe.

This too shall pass.

I still think I might be falling for you. And I'm scared. D: How can I ask for what I want when "what I want" is to have every possible conversation with you? But there's not time for that. Real life gets in the way. Our other relationships get in the way. I'm trying to be content with letting this ...

I thought about SI and SU tonight so vividly and so much but ended up eating dinner and studying math instead.

You disgust me.

How can you have so much drama in your life and so little consideration of other people around you? It's like you're a horse with those blinders over its eyes. Except horses are smart and smell better.

Because I want to buy myself a cool ring to celebrate my six year "clean" date next winter.

*offers hugs* My therapist gave me a piece of advice that might help you, too. I'm prone to mood swings and, therefore, urginess, if I go too long without eating and let my blood sugar get too low. My T suggested that I keep something to eat in my purse. I now have an "emergency" bag of trail mix in...

I got a very strong urge last night to visit a site I know would trigger the hell out of me.

But I stopped.

Am I finally realizing that I don't deserve to beat myself up?

Holy shit, I have the BIGGEST crush on you. But I don't want to tell you, since I like you as a person. Talking with you is fun and comfortable. I'm afraid we wouldn't talk at all if I were to tell you that I'm attracted to you. I feel like a teenager again. It's a good thing I'm not acting like a t...

Fuck you SO hard. Fuck you for making me doubt myself, fuck you for being rude and impersonal and not even fucking listening to what I've got to say, fuck you for putting me into a box without even giving me the chance to explain myself. YOU FAIL SO HARD. It is so hard to keep opening myself up and ...

I am so incredibly sick of your elitism and self-righteousness.

1. I love you very much, but I don't like you right now. More accurately, I don't like that I feel like I can't open up to you right now. I have so many things that I'm dying to discuss with you, but I know you don't have the time. 2. It is scary how well we connect, the understandings we have of ea...

Oh, you'd better believe I'm interested in what you have to say. I'm just too scared to tell you I'd like to hear. I'm afraid you'll reject me, or even worse, that you won't reject me but wish you had.

Part of me wants to write you a long email and tell you everything-- the stuff I told myself I couldn't tell you last weekend, the stuff that I've been thinking about, the alienation, the anger, the discontent-- all of it. Part of me wants to turn off my phone and hide all weekend, and you can call ...

because it would have come off as manipulative and done me more harm than good. because i didn't want to lose so much time SI-free. because i didn't want to lose credibility in the eyes of my T and pdoc. because i didn't want to have to care for wounds. because it would have given my friend somethin...

Before You Self-Harm write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself: how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself? what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation? On the positive-ish side, at least for a minute...

(not on BUS, which seems obvious to me) (it's about religion) Dear you, Why is it, that when I leave you a journal comment that says that I'm not a praying sort but am thinking of you during your hard time, do you feel that it is THE RIGHT THING TO DO to come and PROSELYTIZE to me on my OWN JOURNAL?...

You are so full of shit that I can't even believe it. You can't fucking have it both ways. Make a fucking choice.

And the Pollyanna shit? Is annoying. Stop it.

How do you fucking do it? How do you deal with all this loss and sadness and pain every day AS A CAREER and not want to go hurl yourself off a bridge or something?
I'd like to know your secret.

I knew I'd do serious damage and have to go to the hospital.
I knew I'd lose credibility to my counselor and doctor.
I knew it wouldn't accomplish shit.