bus

Hello :oops: I haven't been active for ages, but feel that I might need all of you again. :oops: However, I wondered if there is any way to kind of "clear the record" or something? I've been around for so long and so much has happened, that I would rather have at least main posts (threads started by...

i will be reading along here, but i don't know if i will contribute. i am still having a lot of trouble admitting to myself that i have a problem with this, even though just as recently as yesterday a pdoc looked over my info and said 'aha, eating disorder, too, huh'. :-? ...and she's not the first ...

i'm afraid a diagnosis will change the way you act around me



*PM welcome*

hopeless
worthless
helpless
worried
tired



dysphoric

...because
i took my iron supplements
and
i had proper lunch

ooooh, mysterious other~ :o :D i wouldn't say that i am. well, sometimes. in periods. like, in 2003 i was constantly on here when i wasn't at uni because i didn't know what else to do. >_> then i got a job and stuff happened. then more stuff happened and i came back here last year and just bleh. :o ...

黒揚羽 / rudolph steiner, and later also a n o t h e r c e l l (kuroageha) translated lyrics: my once so beautiful wings have become this dirty i won't be returning a stale promise twice piercing scenes hurt so i will tear apart this useless body for you and offer it to you in pieces so please take me ...

i save everything i write
in hopes that one day i'll be published
and then when i die
you will inherit all those writings
and have a good life

i feel as though that is the only good thing i can do for you




*pm welcome*

I had one of the standard avatars when i first came to bus, but after not too long, I changed it to this reserved one. It's Rociel from Angel Sanctuary; it was my favorite series to read at the time and he was my favorite character. Now, I keep it because I would feel strange if I changed it after s...

i don't feel bad when i miss the days when my eating disorder was so bad that my period stopped coming.

in fact, i miss them so much, i would rather be back in that place, than the place i am in now, three years later.

...i had proper lunch at work, instead of those diet-shakes.

because...
I went to the appointment, even though I had vodka and milk for breakfast just before I went.

i know i'm an idiot

because i haven't harmed myself today
because i've organized some of my books in the new house
because i am still here

i want to move, yes, but i don't want to move in with you because you ignore me when i'm hurting, and you treat me like i'm worth less than the air around you when i'm trying to say something, and you talk right over me as though i don't exist. and i have to tell you, you're doing a great job of tha...

all you have to do is listen and reply once in a while, instead of just ignoring me all the time. that's all. so yeah, it IS your fault that i turned out this way.


...although i'll probably say the opposite tomorrow.

i'm scared that i won't know what to do when you're away

i was just so scared before and i ended up panicking when i couldn't reach you and then i got so angry with myself
and then you just disappeared.
and gods, i hope you're okay.

I'm sorry I don't read anything you write to me anymore. I want to, but I can't find the energy nor the motivation to even pick it up. I'm tired, and I know I say that all the time, but it's because it's a constant feeling, and if you think I'm being evasive, then leave me alone already.