bus

i am... lonely. oppressed. afraid. i am not... a freak, a deviant, or a threat to society, no matter what they say. i feel... fear that they'll hurt me or the people i love. confusion about why they would hate us so much. frustration that i can't make them understand. anger that they would dare thre...

Maybe this is OT but I'm wondering if anyone else on here has experienced this... My family loves hugs. Dysfunctional as we are, we do hug a lot. Or we used to. Lately I have had a lot of trouble opening up and letting myself be vulnerable to giving/getting hugs. My brother and I used to hug goodnig...

flipflopfetish - congratulations, and good luck! I hope everything goes smoothly.

sar - congrats on going to grad school! That's awesome! If I may ask, where are you attending?

the smell of crayons
reading someone else's notes in a textbook
#2 pencils with erasers
little votive candles
the scent of vanilla

sick (gory movie)
anxious (si dreams do that to me)
unhappy (what's to be happy about?)
achey (i shouldn't spend so much time hunched over the computer)
urgey (but afraid to si)
guilty (for something I didn't mean to do)
tired (but afraid to go to sleep)
dirty (need shower)

Over the last few weeks I've been hearing a lot of people (myself included!) talking about their struggles going back to school. While this may sound a little off topic, there are definitely some unique challenges faced by people who struggle with SI, ED, etc., and I thought it would be nice to have...

Everything they say to me makes me feel worse, but I don't have the heart to tell them to **** off and leave me alone.

*cries*

i miss SI...I don't want to keep fighting it...I'm sick of dissociation every day, and fighting off urges...I don't know why I'm fighting at all.

why keep trying if life is torture?

*cries all the tears I can't cry IRL*

Because I went to my Weight Watchers meeting even though I didn't want to.
Because I worked on math and actually understood some of it.
Because I fit in my capris again.

I obsess over rock bands and daydream about meeting them, but deep down I think that if we ever met, they'd be disgusted by me.

constructive stuff: :star: catch up on the laundry (soothing, repetitive task--I can fold laundry in front of the TV) :star: clean up around the house :star: back up the files on my laptop...this may be painful for some people but I don't really mind it :) :star: do the dishes :star: plan outfits fo...

BadLuckClover--thank you for sharing your story; I really appreciate it. The "sharpie tattoo" thing is a great idea; I've been trying that the last day or so and it really helps me. I can kind of say to myself "OK, there, I put a [whatever design] on my skin, now I can move on." It helps me let go o...

notagain - thanks...I needed to be reminded of that. I need to keep in mind that I too have regretted every cut, and sometimes hated myself for inflicting them...if I can just remember what you've said and what I know, I think I can overcome this urge. I'll try to think of that every time I look at ...

falling... - Thanks! That's a great idea--I'll give it a try. I really appreciate it.

I have been making a concerted effort to reduce my SI for about two weeks. I've had two slips, both "impulsive" rather than deliberate/planned. I think I am doing pretty well (definitely better than I expected!). However, I am still having a lot of thoughts about SI--specifically, plans and ideas fo...

I've found that reducing my deliberate SI is a lot easier than reducing the impulsive kind. I've had 2 slips so far and both were totally impulsive--I wasn't even really thinking about it...it just kind of snuck up on me.

scared of mom--I have to spend the day running errands with her
scared of cutting--I've slipped twice in 2 days, and I'm worried that I will lose control
scared of me--what is happening to me?!?!

Name: jae Are you currently trying to stop or reduce SI: yes, trying to reduce... If so what is your motivation: tired of hiding it, tired of the guilt...and the itching. (Sometimes I think that's my biggest motivation :roll:) Favorite coping skills: writing, drawing, talking to people on bus, exerc...

in 5 years I will be 22. Hopefully I will be at a good college pursuing something I want to do for the rest of my life (probably graphic design--nothing's written in stone though). SI free...but still on bus to help others. At a healthy weight and still at least going to occasionall weight watchers ...