bus

i can't stop the lies. they pop into my head and come out my mouth and... i feel so ashamed, but i need them. i need to hide. i need to cover up all the mistakes and crap i've caused. SI * * * * * every time she tells me she's cut again i know i've failed her. i know i should've been there. i know s...

when i say i love you what i really mean is i'm in love with you.....
i'm scared i'll never know if you ever felt the same way about me. i'm even more scared that you do

SA i'm scared because i think i miss it... or some of it. i don't remember feeling this lonely then. when i see the last guy that sa-ed me all i think is i wish he still wanted me. my father is sick and there's a chance it might be serious... i keep catching myself imagining and hoping that it is. i...

* i know what birthday present i wish i could give myself, but i know i couldn't do that to the people i care about. At least not today.

i had a dream about us the other night. i know i shouldn't have and i shouldn't have even thought about us, but i did.

SA







no one knows what he did. they called me a slut behind my back and he's a hero.
now i'm not sure myself.

i want him to stop telling me off for all my faults but at the same time i know it's all true. I hate him for hating me, but how can I feel that way when I hate myself too?

*i tell myself that i'm not controlled by them but deep down i know that when it's a choice between my habits and any other aspect of my life, the habits will always come first* *i don't love my father.* *I pretend i don't remember people who i know from the past because i know they won't remember m...

i have one friend IRL that i talk about it with. I only started talking about it with her a month ago because i found out she SIs and other stuff. I'm trying to get her here but no luck so far. Otherwise I've had a few different identities here on bus and on other forums. I'm trying to stick around ...

looking at my scars reminds me of everything that led me to them so in that way i don't like them... But i've always had scars (i fell through a window when i was 1 and got 80 stitches in my face) so i guess i'm numbed to it all a bit coz've the teasing and bullying i've experienced with those ones....

i'm proud of myself today because i ate lunch and told myself i wasn't failing by doing so. i don't know if i beleive myself

~ i've lied to everyone i know so often that i don't think i know the truth myself ~ ~ i missed the most important phone call of my life. now i'm afraid of sleeping ~ ~ i think i'm breaking her when all i really i want to do in the world is give her the pieces to show her how to put it back together...

'Opened Once' -jeff buckley- I once was open And one with a travelling heart I loved this sweet guy Just like the fiction Rushing in your riverbed Arise like applause in my head And in the half-light Where we both stand This is the half-light See me as I am Just like the ocean Always in love with th...